Love Can Happen

Why do people get married?

That is what Natalie & the 4 year old asked Elmo, my fiancee. They are afraid of the change marriage might bring. They have been asking many similar questions too. They want to know who Elmo is marrying - is he marrying me or are they part of it?

A Beautiful Picture of Elmo & I by kaer-morhen*

Their relationship with Elmo is complex - he recognises them as part of me but also see that they are each uniquely themselves. He told me once that one of the first things he learnt about DID from dating me was that each part isn't just 2 dimensional. While each part might have their reason - their part in our system - they each have their unique personalities - traits, likes & dislikes - some of which are separate to my own. All that said, Elmo still sees that they are part of who I am and that makes him love them for who they are.

When he talked to my littles about marriage - he told them it would change nothing at home, that it would be to show the world his love and commitment. He said that while he is marrying me - he is making a commitment to all of us to be there. Together they decided that I would be Elmo's wife - but they would be part of his family.

I am very lucky with how supportive Elmo is in our relationship, however it is hard and we both have to work at our relationship. Every relationship has their struggles and with me bring so much baggage into our relationship that puts all the more pressure on us. The thing that keeps us together is that we communicate - we talk through everything - even the things that dont have answers, we talk about it until we both feel better and know we are there for each other.

Today Elmo and I put a deposit on our wedding rings - we have booked the venues and are starting to interview celebrants and photographers. We are getting married in 10 months and I am so happy - there is still a lot of stress and I still have bad times (Ive been a bit triggered lately but more on that in another post) but I am also able to laugh and I feel loved and know its going to be okay.

2 years ago when I started this blog, I didnt think I could be happy like this - being in a healthy relationship and getting married seem to be an impossible goal for someone with DID. Who would want to take that all on? However it happened - because I am someone worth loving and I found someone who sees that and loves me and whom I love.

I write all this to let others who feel like I did 2 years ago who feel that a relationship is out of reach. It can happen, with the right person and with a lot of effort on both parts - but it is worth it - 110%.

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* The picture above is one I commissioned from a great friend (and my Maid of Honour) for Elmo's and my 1 year anniversary. You can check out her other works at Deviant Art

The Mind VS Feelings

NOTE: Please be aware that sex is a topic in this post - it is not discussed in any depth but it is mentioned. If you feel this might trigger you, take care of yourself and skip this post.

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Glimpses of Co-Consciousness

A chalk pastel picture one of the littles did

Until recently, whenever one of my parts came out, or was in control, I would go into my 'room' within the house in our head. During that time I would not be conscious, of either what was happening inside or in the real world. However this is slowly beginning to change, I am starting to be aware of what is happening outside (in the real world) while I am switched. It has only happened a few times and I was only able to perceive  bits of what happened during that time. I still do have bad times when I hide away completely and littles take over, like last night - I lost about 5 hours to the 6 & 7 year olds.  However that is happening less and these glimpses of co-consciousness give me a lot of hope.

When I compare this to when I first found out about my parts it amazes me how far I have come. Back then, I was unable to communicate with them, there were no rules in place and they were able to do pretty much whatever they wanted. I had no idea what happened during those times and would usually be gone for hours, sometimes even days at a time.

Healing is such a difficult and scary process, and its hard to see how any of it helps. I honestly am still not sure how it does help but obviously something is helping if we are making this progress. What I really want to say to anyone out there who is working at healing: keep at it, it is definitely worth it. That isn't saying I feel that this means I am healed, or even close, I am still working through some very difficult memories and there still is stuff I haven't remembered yet. I also don't feel that just because I have come as far as I have that I am suddenly an authority on healing. I just hope that my experiences help other people feel less alone.

Expressive Arts Carnival March

This month's Expressive Arts Carnival activity is an interesting: it is to create a memoir in 6 words and present it in an image. When I first heard about it I was really excited and while I thought it be hard, I definitely thought it be a fun one.

Unfortunately this month has been a busy one which has left me rather tired a lot of the time with very little time to have put towards an entry. However I was looking at it yesterday and realised its due in a couple of days and thought I'd see what I could come up with. I actually came up with a few and was able to put a few of them together in Polyvore.

It was interesting, once I got started, more kept coming to me. I found that they reflected different aspects of my life currently and overall.

This is one of the first ones I did - it is a reflection of the way my every day life is. Obviously its commenting on living with DID. Once upon a time I would have probably put "difficult life" or something more negative. However I no longer view DID as a negative thing, just simply a part of my life and a way to survive what happened in the past. However it does complicate life, for example with my boyfriend - he is dating 'me' not all of my parts. He does a relationship with each of them but its different.

I actually created this in Polyvore a while ago, though originally it said "caged by the memories... imprisoned by the fear". I simply edited it to fit the 6 word limit and I actually think it flows better now. At the time of creating this I was having a lot of flashbacks and nightmares and I was not handling being around people.

Since my little outburst of anger just over a week ago, I have found myself having some new memories and nightmares and I find myself frustrated with how much the past influences me now - particularly since I had no control or choice in what happened. I find it completely unfair and that makes me angry. It is hard for me to deal with and feel this is reflected in this too.

Recently I have been spending a lot of time with a particular group of friends. As I have mentioned previously, they are a great bunch of people and has really been uplifting to spend the time with them. I feel stronger and have more belief in my self that I can cope with whatever is thrown my way - both in healing and every day life.

I feel this one is a little 'sappy' and cliché but it is amazing how much friendship makes a difference and I wanted to acknowledge that in some way.

No matter what mood I am in, I always like to have music playing. I have rather eclectic taste and find that my mood often influences the choice of song. When I am having a particularly hard time I will often play music quite loudly or at least in a headset so it seems loud.  It is my way of coping with difficult times. This seemed particularly appropriate since I have been dealing with new emotions, anger in particular.

While this a very simple thing, it is something I am very proud of. It feels good to say it: the past will not define me. I think this came to me partly out of the anger I mentioned earlier, the frustration of how much the past influences my life now. But it is also a huge statement of how far I have come, at least to me. A year ago I dont believe I would have used such strong and confident language. I felt that I would never be free of the past and now, while I recognise there is so much for me to work through, I believe that its possible and I will get there. For me, this image as well as the statement holds so much hope.

The final one, though I didn't really present these in any particular order. I'm not as pleased with the presentation of this one as I am the others. I am not sure what it is but I am just not quite happy with it. However I feel the statement is very true of life, it is similar to the point I was making in last month's entry (Your truth) - where I was talking about choosing to look at things in a positive way or a negative way. 

I have recently been spending some time talking to a friend who has been hurt badly by a guy in the past. He was a very nasty piece of work and the abuse he put her through was horrible. These days she doesn't trust any guy, she doesn't let anyone near her and has very few friends. Rather than try and work through what happened she runs away from it and tries to pretend it doesn't exist. I can understand where she is coming from and I know that I can simply be there for her. But I find it really sad to watch how fear rules her entire life. I also find it scary to think that it would have been very easy for me to go down the path she has.

I truly believe that each person can choose the way they look at and live life. It is hard at first, but with time and practice it slowly becomes easier and then it is a habit. This is the choice I am talking about here. 

I haven't really decided which one I am going to send to Paul for this month's carnival, however I enjoyed making them and sharing them here.

Measuring Progress

When discussing healing I have often heard the saying 'one step forward, three steps back'. It is something I have said myself, there are times when things are so confusing that you feel you have been spun in so many directions that you don't know which way you face. There are plenty of times when the set backs are so easy to see, but it is rare to see the progress until you look back and realise how far you have come.

How do we measure progress? what is considered a step forward? what is considered a step back? There are definitely times when it is obvious, such as being able to handle a situation that I couldn't before. However, this week I have realised there are plenty of things that can be considered either - it is just a matter of the way you look at it.

About a week ago, I found out about a new part, Laila. I still don't know much about her - she seems to be an adult. However the way she speaks reminds me a little of Elsie or Sasha so I wonder if she is another non-human alt. I do know she is nocturnal, this is something she has told Stacy - and so far she has only come out at night.

When I first found out about Laila, I was disappointed. I felt that I had been making progress lately and felt that a new part was obviously a set back. I definitely thought along the lines of 'one step forward, three steps back'. Later, days later, I started to really think about it differently. In the past many of my parts have been around a long time before they have become known to the system and I believe this is the same with Laila. A new part doesn't mean I have 'split' again, it is just a part as surfaced that I didn't know about before. This could be because she has a skill we need, because she carries memories we are ready to face or simply I am in a place where I can accept something new.

Laila appearing now can be taken as a sign of our progress - of my own acceptance of our system. It is all a matter of perspective - the way I choose to look at it. I still don't know why Laila is a part, or why she has come forward now however I am choosing not to see it as a set back.


My last session with Margaret (my psychologist) was a hard one, it left me shaken and I really struggled with the things we discussed. Ever since I have seen Margaret we spent very little time discussing the past, my childhood or any of the abuse. Not that Margaret hasn't tried to get me to talk about it, but I am a master at avoidance and changing the subject and Margaret will only push me so hard - I need to be ready. My last session was different, we discussed my last visit to my grandparent's house (after Nana had died, but Papa was still alive). I talked about how it felt, the fear and the need to get out. We discussed other things but I will go into that another post. I have mentioned in other posts that I can actually talk about the abuse to some degree however it is like telling a story - I am detached from the memories and don't feel any emotions about it. This was different - I talked about my memories, my feelings - I didn't just tell a story.

Being a hard session could be taken as a bad thing, a set back but the truth is I managed to start to face the emotions, to talk just a little about the past. That is a huge step and Margaret made sure I knew that before we ended our session. The 7yo didnt flip out at me talking either - which is a big thing for her (she is the keeper of secrets).

This weekend has been a wonderful weekend, I was simply happy. There was nothing particularly special about this weekend, I did have lunch with a great friend who I haven't seen in ages, I went to church, I cuddled my friend's new born. These are all simple things but they brought me so much happiness. I came home from church on Sunday night and I was happy. I am happy. content and just simply in a good mood.

I could look at my great mood and say that it is of little consequence, I just had a good weekend. However when I think back to 2008, I was so depressed, I didn't think I would ever be happy again. Even just reading my blog at the end of last year, I felt that I wasn't living life. The fact that I am happy is such a great thing and is evidence of the progress I have made. It is also a reminder of the great things and people I have in my life.

I don't believe I have suddenly turned a new page and I am going to be always happy and making huge bounds forward in healing. Life doesn't work like that. There will set-backs. There will be bad days. However I can see I have made progress and that I am making progress. More importantly, when difficult things cross my path I can choose the way I look at them. I hope this reminds me to look at things more positively, to recognise even the baby steps forward.

Parts of me?

When I was talking to Steve about DID he asked me where I felt my little ones came from. I had a lot of trouble answering this and I thinnk Steve recognised that as he then changed the question to where did my psychologist think my parts come from. I told him that Margaret said that they are each a part of me - that my mind created different parts to deal with different things in a difficult situation.

Intellectually I have accepted this but when ever Margaret (my psychologist) or someone else talk about them as part of me I want to argue with them. Its a purely emotional response, I recognise that and generally I stop myself from arguing and just bite my tongue, so to speak. Steve seemed to be of the opinion that they are spirits helping me. But that doesnt feel right either.

I have always felt a sense of togetherness with my little ones, a sense of kinship, similar to the ties to family - a connection to them. I remember Paul describing a circle that encompasses all of us - I could relate to that. I have been considering this for a while and I actually found something written down in our shared journal, I am not sure who inside decided to give their opinion but I liked it and thought I would share:

When we were hurt our soul shattered, breaking into different pieces. As it healed it became a multiple of wholes; all connected but seperate, shared in a body.

I dont know how true that is, but it does show that feeling of togetherness while explaining the sense of seperatness.

I suppose Margaret would say that it is not really productive thinking like this. Margaret has been very good at helping me - she has taught me so many skills in coping, she was the one who diagnosed us, and she has help to empower me in particular in really trying to actively heal. She encouraged me to get back into my art after I took that long break. However Margaret seems to feel the only path to healing leads to intergration.

For those of you who dont know what intergration is, the idea is that all of the parts of a person with DID "intergrate" or join together to become one person again. I have heard of people who have interegrated and it has fallen apart months or even years later. I have heard of people who are currently living "intergrated". I also know of people who have full co-conciousness; in other words that are full aware all the time however who is in control can still vary. Or at least that is how I understand it.

Currently my goal in healing is to reach co-conciousness, to be able to function in the every day world. Intergration just doesnt feel achieveable to me at this point and some of my little ones panic at the idea of integration. I guess I panic a little at losing something that has protected me for so long.

When I first found out I had DID - before I could even hear my littles ones, I thought that it was a disaster, something to be ashamed of, that I was somehow broken. I believed that intergration was the only solution. Then as I started to get to know my little ones, I started to realise it wasnt the end of the world, I started to read as much as I could on DID and began to realise that there were other options. At that point I would have said I would never intergrate - that it was an impossibilitity - too hard and too far out of reach. Now? Now I think its a possibility, I feel more together than I ever have however I still feel a strong sense of seperateness at the same time. The idea of integration creates less anxiety than it used to though there is still some. It is something I will consider in the future - for now co-conciousness seems a good goal.

Does Dissociation Make Us Special?

Paul's blog, Mind Parts, is a very well written blog that really gets me thinking about my own healing journey. I am slowly going back over his past highlighted posts. Yesterday I read his post "Does Dissociation Make Us Special?" and it provoked in me a lot of emotion as well as thought.

I'm not sure I completely understand why I had such a strong emotional response to this post. I felt hurt, betrayed and even anger. Intellectually I understood what Paul was trying to say and I even agree with a lot of it, which is why my emotional response surprised me.

I can understand the risk of viewing ourselves as special because of DID, how it might hinder healing. If I believe I am special because of DID then I am unlikely to move past it, wanting to hold on to that feeling of "specialness". That doesn't mean people diagnosed with DID aren't special, they are - each of those people are strong individuals who survived something horrible - but what makes them special isn't DID, or what they survived - it's that they are strong unique individuals.

I have come to know many other survivors through Pandys, blogs and other forums, and I believe all of those friends, are beautiful, strong and loving people who I have great admiration for, I think they are special people. However, personally, I haven't really ever felt special, while I can relate to these people and recognise that I fall into the same category as a survivor, I cannot see myself in the same way.  I realise that is part of my low self esteem, the part of me that still believes all of those cruel things I heard as a child. But understanding something intellectually and accepting it within yourself are two different things and while I do a lot better at not putting myself down I have yet to accept that I might be special, for whatever reason.

The topic of language in his post was an interesting one, that I still have two minds about. For a long time I struggled with terms such as "alt" or even "survivor". I still do. I have always called my "alts" 'my little ones' or if talking about them individually I refer to them by their preferred name. As I began to involve myself in the "survivor" community (blogs and forums mostly) I began to use the language myself, not because I felt differently about it but because it made it easier to communicate. It made it easier to explain to close friends.

Paul said:

The language of dissociative disorders and their definitions present narrow views. These views tend to tie us into a particular way of thinking (and sometimes being) and ultimately hold us back...

It's rather easy to say "Personality A did this" or "Personality B was out" and people, particularly treaters, will know exactly what you mean. But that's usually said because of lack of awareness, or strict adherence to the dissociative language and paradigms. As we develop awareness–as we heal–we necessarily find ourselves at odds with these paradigms and with the goal of dissociation.

I disagree with this, I do see the point he is trying to make however for me the language and definitions provide a common ground and understanding when talking to others about DID. It gives me a place to build from to then take those terms and use them to help people try and see my own personal experiences. That having been said, while I may use these terms while communicating about DID it doesn't define the way I think, feel and experience it.

I don't think using it to communicate has ever held me back or I have used it to distinguish myself, or to seem "special". Some words still rub against me the wrong way, but it is easier just to use them rather than try and explain the complex ways I feel and view my system. 

As far as referring to each alt by their names, (or as Paul puts it "Personality A " or "Personality B") this is something I do instinctively. I am aware that when I call them an alt or part some of my little ones feel insulted, they feel I am making them less than what they are.

A final comment on Paul's blog, just because I have disagreed with parts of his post and I had a huge emotional response to it, has not changed my opinion of it. It is a well written blog which I find challenging. I have a great amount of respect for Paul, what he writes and what he tries to do with things like The Expressive Arts Carnival. I admire his strength and his ability to write topics that could be consider controversial in a respectful manner.

Roles My Alts Play

I was updating the "Meet My Alts" page and was thinking about the roles they play in our system. I have never sat down and put them into categories and thought it be interesting to try and do so. I know they will overlap so you may see certain names in multiple categories.

The Littles
This is what I call all my alts who are children

• Kylie (4yo)
• Natalie (4yo)
• Katy (5yo)
• Torry (5yo)
• Kylie (6yo)
• Julia (7yo)
• Kylie (7yo)
• The Twins (8yo)
• Sasha

The Teens
My alts who are neither children, nor are they adults, they don't tend to need "looking after" that the littles need however they aren't part of the Bigs either.

• Sage (12yo)
• Kylie (12yo)
• Nadia (16yo)
• Shadow (unknown)
• Jessica (25yo)

The Bigs
These are all my alts who are adults, who have responsibilities inside and help out more. When large decisions are to be made the Bigs and I generally have a meeting about it to discuss it and come to a decision that is best for the system (or at least that is what we try and do).

• Stacy (33yo)
• Jazzie (19yo)
• Elsie (ageless)
• Kylie (10yo)

Memory Holders
These are alts that hold the memories of abuse, while some of the others may be aware of what happened or know certain memories these particular parts carry the majority of memories

• Kylie (6yo)
• Kylie (7yo)
• The Twins
• Kylie (12yo)

Emotion Keepers 
While each of my alts experience different emotions - these parts seem to hold a certain emotion particularly in regards to the abuse.

• Natalie - fear
• Kylie (6yo) - sadness
• Kylie (little 8yo) - guilt
• Kylie (big 8yo) - anger

Note: Elsie is telling me that Shadow belongs in this group too though I am not sure what emotions he really keeps.

Protectors 
These parts act as protectors of our system, through different methods - not all of their methods are really helpful however they are "skills" that were needed at one point or another.

• Torry - Ever seen a child put their hands on their hips and say something like "you're being a meanie" or "don't upset my friend/mummy"? This is how Torry behaves.
• Kylie (7yo) - protects us by keeping our secrets and making sure the others keep secrets. This is one of those situations where it causes more problems than actual protection but she is trying to protect us.
• Kylie (little 8yo) - passiveness, her very nature is a form of protection - if she senses danger she will try and make the perpetrator happy by doing what she thinks they want so as to lessen the amount we are hurt.
• Jessica - She thinks that if she hits on guys and has sex with them then she can remain in control and they cant hurt us by forcing us. She also tries to make sex meaningless (and therefore the abuse meaningless) by trivializing it. Another one of those situations that causes more problems - but she means well, even f we disagree with her.
• Sasha - is a more animalistic form of protection - the natural "fight or flight" responses. If anyone feels threatened or if Sasha perceives a threat she is automatically on high alert.
• Kylie (12yo) - her disdain of men keeps them at a distance and so are less likely to hurt us emotionally. Her lack of care when it comes to other peoples opinions also helps protect from hurtful words. The 12yo has faded into the background more as we have grown to trust people more and let them in -however she is there, cautioning us to take care in who we trust and let in. If I ever get in an argument with someone she comes close, putting up walls to protect us from hurtful words.

Note: Kylie (older 8yo) is very protective of her twin (the little 8yo), however she isn't particularly protective of our system.

Helpers 
These are parts who help our system function now in every day life. 

• Stacy - keeps things organised - ensures the chores are done (clean clothes, cooks food etc.), keeps track of appointments and important dates, makes sure rules are followed by other alts and has a little more control inside than the others (with the exception of the 10yo).
•  Kylie (10yo) - the mother of our system - she is a source of comfort, love for the littles. She keeps track of who is out and tries to be aware of who we interact with. She also helps Stacy with discipline inside.
• Jazzie - interacts with the world when I cannot (in situations where I am around people who aren't aware of the DID). Helps the 10yo with cuddles and comfort of the littles.
• Elsie - helps us deal with triggers and flashbacks, helps keep us try and stay calm when it isn't safe for us to flip out. She also is a good listener for the other alts when they need to talk to someone.
• Julia - she is a friend and playmate of the littles. When the littles are out she often shares consciousness with them - helping them with things like reading, using the computer, typing, putting on movies, finding appropriate TV shows etc. If the "bigs" want to have a meeting then Julia will be the one to take the little to the play room or the garden and distract them.
• Sasha - helps ensure our basic needs are met (food, water, sleep, warmth, shelter). For instance - when we are having a bad day I don't always notice if our body is hungry - Sasha will ensure that on days like that we eat. Sasha also helps by often sleeping with Natalie to help her feel safe (Nata enjoys cuddling Sasha's fox tail)

Other Roles
These are more individual things that apply to a particular alt rather than a group.

Inner Child - Kylie (4yo) and Katy
Both of these parts are the child in me, unaffected by the abuse.

Artistic - Nadia
Expresses ideas and feelings through art and writing

Student - Sage
Loves to learn and always happy to find an answer if the littles have a question. While I wasn't really aware of Sage while I was studying I think she is part of the reason I have yet to give up on university.

Empath - Natalie
Natalie can sense how the others are feeling - its like an extra sense to her - she can reach out and feel where each of the other alts are inside and how each of them are feeling, if someone is triggered then Nata generally gets overwhelmed with their feelings of fear & hurt. It is an ability she cannot control.

Elsie helped me write this, she is very good at keeping track of who is who within our system and really understands who they are, even those who put up a "bravado". I have found working on this very helpful to understand my system more - I haven't always understood why I have so many parts and the roles they play.

If you want to know more about my alts as "individuals" check out our "Meet my Alts" page. You may also be interested in our post which provides a "map" of inside, though it is a little out of date missing rooms of alts I wasn't aware of at the time - however it will give you a good understanding our "house".

More Blood Tests

I just got home. Had a doctor's appointment this morning - she didn't have a lot to say except we are trying something new - B12 injections - had my first one today. Then she wanted me to have some more blood tests to check my thyroid and hormones since they weren't normal on the last few tests. Nothing to be concerned about just a little outside the norm and she wants to keep an eye on it.

I appreciate her being so thorougher, and having these tests no longer stress me out - I have become so used to them this year. The nurses at the pathology center all know me and are all of my particular "situation". Though despite being aware of it one of them was seriously shocked last time when Natalie came out and said "No more needles". But they are good about it and luckily there was no switching this time.

When people find out about the DID there are 2 reactions I wait for - the first when they hear about it, the second when they actually meet one of my alts - particularly a little one. Its not that people don't believe me when I first explain it - they just cant really comprehend it - I can understand that. A friend once video taped Katy playing and showed it to me later - it was one of the scariest thing I have ever seen. To see me with different posture, mannerisms, voice, behaving in a way I would never act - it was just freaky. There is such a difference between hearing about something and actually seeing it.

I am never sure someone is really okay with me having DID until after they have spent time with at least one of my alts.

A bit of this and a bit of that....

Today we are seeing Margaret (the psychologist). This is not really a big deal as it used to be - I used to feel a sense of dread. Margaret is a fantastic support, pushing me just a little out of my comfort zone to try and experience the emotions or try and face a memory, however when I back away she lets me. It is a slow process however she makes most of us feel safe, secure and in control. The sense of dread came from wondering what I would face and knowing that I really didn't want to look at that dark side of my memories.

However since having the Chronic Fatigue (CF) she no longer pushes us, we just don't have the energy to cope with that kind of thing. So for that reason, we have cut back our sessions to once a fortnight and mostly she helps me deal with day to day issues - helps me cope with the sense of helplessness that comes with CF, helps me brain storm ideas to deal with issues that come up; like how to stop the littles from buying things that we really cant afford.

The last few sessions we have been discussing my loneliness, how to make new friends when I don't work & I no longer go to uni classes. At the moment its pretty hard since I rarely go out as it wears me out, and the idea of making new friends just feels too hard while I am this tired. However I have to have faith that I wont always feel like this else I would given in to depression.

Meeting new people always comes with a certain amount of anxiety, since a few of the littles get scared of new people, especially males. Then there is the fear I will switch in front of them - the numerous "what ifs" that come with DID. Then there is just the general anxiety that most introverts feel when it comes to the prospect of meeting new people.

To answer Candycan's question :
Each of my alts introduced themselves with the name that I refer to them as - the only exception is when I refer to my littles by an age - they each share the same name as me & it gets confusing to say inside "Hey Kylie" - you get a lot of responses! As such we refer to them by their age, we did try nicknames for a while but a few of the younger ones didn't like that - they prefer being called their age than a name they don't see as their own.

I always find names and their meanings fascinating - our name is so much apart of our identity despite the fact that we never choose it for ourselves. Even nicknames are usually given to us by friends or family. I am not sure where my alts came up with their names - I asked a couple of them and they didn't recall choosing the name so much as that's just who they were.

Sage summed it up the best when she said;
"You look in the mirror and see 'Kylie', if I look in a mirror (inside) I see 'Sage'. No matter how much I have questioned who I am as part of our system, I have never questioned that I am Sage. It was never a choice, just a fact that that was who I was and who I am."

Writing this has taken me ages of coming back and forth just because I am so tired - but I am glad I am doing it. It gives me such a huge sense of accomplishment which is such a nice feeling, and such a rare one these days. I am sorry if any of my posts ever feel a little disjointed but its hard to keep the flow when I am writing a single post in lots of small sessions.

There is one final thing I want to mention before I finish this. I recently came across a wonderful project by a survivor when I was checking a few blogs I haven't been keeping up with until recently.
Basically a survivor has set up a little art project called the Expressive Arts Carnival. On the first day of each month he posts an art project for the month - he excepts submissions for roughly 3 weeks and then will post all the submissions on his site for that months project. In his words, "The purpose of these activities is not to provide therapy. Instead, the goal is to build a healing community where people can submit what they have done related to a monthly theme." He has past projects up there and it is amazing what people have come up with. I think it is a beautiful idea of bringing together people and allowing them to share the expression of how they feel in art.

Nadia and I have been working on our submission for this month's project (due 23rd November). It has been a really special experience - I have never worked so closely with one of my alts to create something.  When it is complete I will post it up here - in the mean time I wanted to share this project with you and encourage other survivors to enter their own works of art.

further update

There is not alot I can say about living with DID lately, being so tired I dont have any energy to fight it and to be honest I no longer want to. I still find it scary and I am still worried if people will be able to except all of us, but I know already that there are people who do except us and still love me.

True, I have lost a few friends over it, but to be honest it is their loss - not mine. What kind of friendship did we have anyway, if they could not except all of me? There are other friends who dont know how to handle it and they just pretend it doesnt exist. And I am ok with that, I worry what will happen if I switch in front of them but I am less worried about that then I was when they knew nothing.

So what am I still frightened of? Never finding love. Not finding a person who would willingly take me and all the baggage. I am lonely, and even more than ever, I want someone who can wrap their arms around me and tell me that it will be ok - that they are there for me. I want someone to share the load with.

Back on topic...
Being able to retreat these days and let Stacy handle things is such a blessing - maybe not the healthiest way to deal with things. But when I have no idea how I am going to organise clean clothes because I dont have the energy to do the laundry - its nice to just let another part deal with it. We are all tired and none of us have the energy but sometimes different parts are better at finding enough energy to get the little things done.

I think Chronic Fatigue is hardest on the little ones. The 4yo wants to know why we cant go to the park anymore and play on the swings. Or visit a pet shop on a bad day just to see the baby animals. She doesnt understand why we dont have the energy to play.

A few of my alts find it frightening because they feel vunerable. If anything was to happen I wouldnt be able to fight anyone off. I dont believe anything will happen & its not like I ever go out, but once bitten, twice shy. Though I dont know that is the right saying for this instance - its close. I guess what I am trying to get at is that after everything that has happened its hard not to consider the worst happening again.

Now Natalie is all upset at this train of thought. **sigh**

I am tired, I think I will go back to sleep now.

The House in my Head

In my post Bill Henson Assessment I mentioned a "room" system. I will try to explain it here.

When I am "out", as in I am the one interacting with the world the one doing things, talking to people etc. my alts are "inside". To make this more pleasent, provide for everyone's needs and to make organisation easier, my alts changed "inside" into a house - creating rooms, decorating them, etc.  Here is a description of the rooms in our "house"

Our house is divided into 3 sections or levels.

The Main Area

The first or the main section is made up of rooms that almost anyone can go into. I say almost because there are some rooms in which Stacy bans people unless they can behave and follow the rules.

The Common Room
 This is a room where everyone is welcome to just be together, to "hang out" and just chat etc. It has a large TV on one wall which shows what is happening on the "outside" - in other words it shows what I (or who ever is out) can see and hear.

The Front Room
This room was created later when I first started to hear my alts. They can be very noisey and I couldnt control it. I found it scarey and overwhelming. So the front room was created and the rest of the house was "sound proofed". This meant that I could only hear my alts when they were in the front room. There are alot of rules associated with this room, the main one being:

Only one person at a time, except in special circumstances - which require Big K's permission.

These days I can choose to hear what is happening in the main are, if I choose to or if someone is really excited and making alot of noise, but the front room is still used if someone needs to get my attention.

Comfort Room
This is a soft cuddly room filled with pillows, cushions and soft toys. This is where the little ones can go if they want comfort and dont want to be alone in their room.

The Play Room
I guess this is pretty self explanatory - its a room filled with toys and games for the littles to play inside.

The Art Room
This room is for art and a place for the littles to express themselves. The 10yo sometimes organises fun craft activities here for the younger ones when they need to be distracted.

The Outdoor Area
This is a large garden or backyard which is divided into sections.

The Play Ground
Once again pretty self explanatory - This where the play equipment is, the sand pit, swings, slide, climbing etc.

The Grass Area
This is just like it sounds, an area covered in soft grass where the littles can run around and play chase or have a picnic

The Gardens
This area is a large garden with paths wondering all through it. It has ponds, and small waterfalls. I am told that this area is very much based on the Chinese gardens.

The Quiet, Relaxing Area
A place to sit and mediate, pray, or just think. One of the paths in the Garden area lead to this and in a way its part of the Gardens. It has a large Gazebo with comfortable benches that over look a large pond and waterfall.

 

Our Rooms Area

This where each alt has their own room (we call them bedrooms though not all have beds Im told) - no one but the alt is allowed in that room. We cant hear/see what happens in that room but we can feel them there and know they are safe. This is where my littles go when they want to hide from the world. Its also where my bigs get peace from the littles!! I cant describe what these rooms are like as each of the littles have decorated their own room and filled it their own things.

The Basement

This is where I go when I go inside and one of the little come out. I am not concious of going inside or what happens when I am inside - I only know I go here because the little ones tell me this is where they feel me when I am inside.They also say there are alot of dark things down there that cant see but that feel bad. My guess would be that this is stuff that is still repressed which scares all of a us alittle.

So that is our house as it is today. The 4yo, 6yo, 7yo and Julia created the pictures. Stacy and some of the other littles helped explain to me what each room is for as a Im not really aware of the house yet.

For me I can now hear my alts as I said - though not when they are in their rooms or if I am in mine. I can also "feel" if I am out and focusing. Though they can hide from me so I cant always. When I 'feel' them I get a sense of how they are feeling but also there is a feeling that is unquie to them that doesnt change.

Littles Art

Art therapy is an important part of the healing process with DID, it allows parts to express and explore how they feel as well as being a calming exercise during hard times.

Since this has been a particualarly hard week, I have encouraged my alts to do some art. The little ones recently saw a documentary on mosaic art and have been fasinated with it especially after the 12yo said "its just like us, lots of little pieces put together to make a beautiful whole picture." So I gave them lots of different coloured paper and some glue and left them to it. A few of them have agreed to share their art with you.
 

 

Natalie (4yo)

Kylie (6yo)

 

Elsie (age unknown)

I apologise for the quality of the photos, I need a new camera but I doubt I will be getting one anytime soon. I hope you enjoyed their art.

Triggers

Sorry its been a while since the last post; we have been really triggered lately. For those of you who dont understand what triggered is, its when something in everyday life that makes you remember the abuse. It causes anxiety and sometimes panic attacks. We havent had panic attacks in a while - mostly because we recognise when theya re about to come and use strategies to calm down enough that they dont happen.

However when we get triggered I lose alot of time to the alts; we feel anxious and dont get much sleep. We have recently been readign about grounding - something that is supposed to help people with DID handle anxiety. This is something we plan to discuss with our psychologist on Thursday. In the mean time we are trying a few things.

A few of my alts have also been wanting to try a new type of art (the style isnt new, but they havent done it before) - mosaics. So today we are going to cut up lots of coloured paper and use glue to make pictures and patterns. I am hoping this will help the little ones feel better - or maybe express how they feel.

Expression of emotion is important and art is often used in therapy for this - particularly with children - or child alts.

Sorry for the shortness of this post but I just wanted to give you an update.