Terrified of hospitals

I'm over hospitals, first Elmo fractured his L1, then a couple weeks ago I became really sick and couldn't keep any food down and became so dehydrated I needed to go into the hospital for a day. They did lots of tests and never did find out what was wrong however they believe it was just an infection. Then a few days ago Elmo went back into hospital for what they thought was appendicitis but turned out to be a swollen colon. He was released yesterday and is much better but over all I am just sick of hospitals.

I have to go back to the hospital tomorrow morning for yet another test as my doctor keeps wanting to check that the Chronic Fatigue isn't anything else. I will only be in there an hour or two, however its still the hospital and the truth is hospitals terrify me. I have managed with all these trips because Elmo needed me or because I knew I needed to be there and I'm not going to let myself be horribly sick to avoid hospitals. At the same time though they terrify me and it gets me all uptight every time I have to go. 

I am rather impressed though that I have managed to visit the hospital this year and I didn't switch, well for very little time anyway. A year or two ago I would not have been able to cope and would have hid away inside and let another part deal with being at the hospital. I even managed to avoid panic attacks. For me this is a huge improvement, that I have been able to face my fears and keep myself calm.

I believe I know where my fear from hospitals comes from, but it frustrates me at how irrational it is. When my grandmother went into hospital (she was sick for all of my childhood) it usually meant I was left alone with my grandfather and bad things would happen. I believe I associate the hospital with those bad things despite the fact I realise that it was my grandfather and not the hospital at fault, and it just provided my grandfather with opportunity.

I am not really sure about the point of this post, other than to let out my frustration and anxiety about hospitals out. I do want to write in my blog more and plan to try, however as you may have figured out by this post I am still struggling with the Chronic Fatigue and been quite sick on top of that and that makes it hard to keep on top of blogging.

More Blood Tests

I just got home. Had a doctor's appointment this morning - she didn't have a lot to say except we are trying something new - B12 injections - had my first one today. Then she wanted me to have some more blood tests to check my thyroid and hormones since they weren't normal on the last few tests. Nothing to be concerned about just a little outside the norm and she wants to keep an eye on it.

I appreciate her being so thorougher, and having these tests no longer stress me out - I have become so used to them this year. The nurses at the pathology center all know me and are all of my particular "situation". Though despite being aware of it one of them was seriously shocked last time when Natalie came out and said "No more needles". But they are good about it and luckily there was no switching this time.

When people find out about the DID there are 2 reactions I wait for - the first when they hear about it, the second when they actually meet one of my alts - particularly a little one. Its not that people don't believe me when I first explain it - they just cant really comprehend it - I can understand that. A friend once video taped Katy playing and showed it to me later - it was one of the scariest thing I have ever seen. To see me with different posture, mannerisms, voice, behaving in a way I would never act - it was just freaky. There is such a difference between hearing about something and actually seeing it.

I am never sure someone is really okay with me having DID until after they have spent time with at least one of my alts.

Post Viral Fatigue Syndrom

I feel bad its been over a week since I have posted on either blog. I have wanted to and thought about it but I just been so tired that I havent been able to. Not that I am feeling much better now but I want to keep this updated and so I am going to take this slowly and try and post as much as I can. I will also try to keep this updated as often as I can.

I went and saw my doctor on Friday and the blood tests that had come back all were normal. The only tests that hadnt come back were the ones testing for muscle degnerative diseases and my doctor thinks they are unlikely - however she will call me if those tests come back with anything unusual.

While the Luvox no longer was making me sick it was still not helping and I was feeling more tired if anything so my doctor has taken me off the Luvox and is starting me on Zoloft - another anti-depressant that has been shown to help with Chronic Fatigue.

She has also taken me off the pill. I have been on Monophem (a type of pill) since 2003 as I have always had bad periods and monophem controls it - I found out in 2008 that the reason I have bad periods is because I have Polosystic ovaries. She tells me that occasionally the pill can make people feel generally unwell and tired. It doesnt seem likely but it can creep up over time so its worth checking out. It takes about 3 months to get the pill out of our system so if thats what causing all this it will take a while to feel better.

After all the tests and everything my doctor was confident in diagnosing me with Post-Viral Fatigue Syndrom (PVFS). This is the same thing as Chronic Fatigue Syndrom, its just that you need to have the symtoms for 6 months to be diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue - before that its PVFS.

This news was both a relief and frustrating. Relief because its not Lupus or something worse, nothing life threatening. Frustrating because there isnt really a know curer. Just time and rest, the Zoloft has helped in some cases but not all - I can only wait and hope.

I am thinking I will withdraw from uni for this semster as I cant see me catching up in time for the exam - even if the Zoloft starts helping in the next fortnight. If I havent had improvement by the end of May I will be applying for leave for next semster because I dont know what else I can do.

I will try to post more soon. In the mean time thank you to all of you who have sent me your well wishes and prayers they are much appreciated.

Sick, sick, sick

So sick of being sick! Went and saw Dr Parkin yesterday - Jazz reckons he is up himself and snootie - though he was very througher about testing for everything and making sure we ruled out stuff. This meant more blood tests. 7 tubes to be exact which freaked out Shadow. Natalie and Katy werent happy either.

They are testing for Auto-immune diseases, diseases that attack the mucsles and checking my liver. I have to wait till Friday week (14th May) for the results and I dont want to wait that long. The entire thing is getting me stressed out. What is wrong with me?! I am trying not to let on to my younger alts that I am scared cause that would terrify them.

The Luvox is still making my tummy sick and generally that makes me feel more tired and it interrupts my sleep which doesnt help.

I have an extension for my assessment which is good I guess but at the moment if I cant do any of it so I hope I start feeling a little better soon or their wont be any point to the extension.

Sorry this blog has just been me whinging about being sick lately but this is really affecting everything - I dont even have the energy to play WoW which is insane. I wish I has someone near by who would wrap me up in their arms and tell me it will be ok. I could really use a hug