Love Can Happen

Why do people get married?

That is what Natalie & the 4 year old asked Elmo, my fiancee. They are afraid of the change marriage might bring. They have been asking many similar questions too. They want to know who Elmo is marrying - is he marrying me or are they part of it?

A Beautiful Picture of Elmo & I by kaer-morhen*

Their relationship with Elmo is complex - he recognises them as part of me but also see that they are each uniquely themselves. He told me once that one of the first things he learnt about DID from dating me was that each part isn't just 2 dimensional. While each part might have their reason - their part in our system - they each have their unique personalities - traits, likes & dislikes - some of which are separate to my own. All that said, Elmo still sees that they are part of who I am and that makes him love them for who they are.

When he talked to my littles about marriage - he told them it would change nothing at home, that it would be to show the world his love and commitment. He said that while he is marrying me - he is making a commitment to all of us to be there. Together they decided that I would be Elmo's wife - but they would be part of his family.

I am very lucky with how supportive Elmo is in our relationship, however it is hard and we both have to work at our relationship. Every relationship has their struggles and with me bring so much baggage into our relationship that puts all the more pressure on us. The thing that keeps us together is that we communicate - we talk through everything - even the things that dont have answers, we talk about it until we both feel better and know we are there for each other.

Today Elmo and I put a deposit on our wedding rings - we have booked the venues and are starting to interview celebrants and photographers. We are getting married in 10 months and I am so happy - there is still a lot of stress and I still have bad times (Ive been a bit triggered lately but more on that in another post) but I am also able to laugh and I feel loved and know its going to be okay.

2 years ago when I started this blog, I didnt think I could be happy like this - being in a healthy relationship and getting married seem to be an impossible goal for someone with DID. Who would want to take that all on? However it happened - because I am someone worth loving and I found someone who sees that and loves me and whom I love.

I write all this to let others who feel like I did 2 years ago who feel that a relationship is out of reach. It can happen, with the right person and with a lot of effort on both parts - but it is worth it - 110%.

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* The picture above is one I commissioned from a great friend (and my Maid of Honour) for Elmo's and my 1 year anniversary. You can check out her other works at Deviant Art

Mum & Me and defining healing

A couple of weeks ago I wrote Loss of Routine, in which I mentioned my relationship with my mother. At the time I had a comment asking if we were able to talk openly about things and since then I have been meaning to write a post about my relationship with my parents.

My mum and I have an interesting and complex relationship, in many ways we are very close, particularly since we spent so many years just the two of us (see here).  However we have made very different lifestyle choices and my Mum doesnt always understand my choices. This causes alot of fights and tension between us, particularly when I have spent any great deal of time at home. I think we are also amazingly similar in our personalities despite the different lifestyles, we are both extremely stubborn people who need to feel in control of our own lives which causes its own clashes.

I  have also always felt that I need to look after Mum as much as she looks after me. Mum has always provided for me and always been there in her own way. However she doesnt cope with things very well and I have always felt I need to be strong for her. In this aspect I have often felt like the mother in our relationship. My mum is not really aware of me looking after her and I prefer it that way. My mum is very particular about each person playing their "roles" in life and its her role to mother me not the other way around. However I am the only person she lets close enough to help her.

To answer Paul's question (can we talk openly about things?) the answer is yes and no. I talk to my mum about most things in my life and Mum has always shared with me more about her own struggles than most parents do with their children. But there are a few things that we dont really talk about too much.

My Mum is a very opinionated and strong willed person and she struggles to accept things that she doesnt understand. This is particularly so when it comes to things she doesnt understand in my life, and I think this is because of her love for me. However it makes any things in my life she doesnt understand to be difficult topics to discuss. The two things that this really limits our conversations on is my beliefs and DID.

Yesterday, Mum & I drove with Charlie & Rascal back from the beach house to my parents home. Andrew drove back in his car with Satan & Oscar (my parents dogs) which allowed Mum and I to have some really good talks, just the two of us.

One of the things we talked about was that Mum does understand DID or Chronic Fatigue and doubts she ever will however she realises that ignoring it or puting it down will not help me heal and she does realise I have been hurt & sick and need to heal. This was hard to hear but comforting at the same time - that my mum doesnt understand and struggles to accept my diagnoses hurt, I have always felt my mother and I are closer than most mother/daughter relationships and to know that she doesnt completely believe it all makes it so much harder to trust other people to be understanding. However knowing that even though she is struggling she wants me to heal and she wants to be supportive was encouraging. Mostly I knew these things about Mums thoughts on DID already, but to talk to her and hear it from her say it was good.

Another thing we talk about was uni, we discussed why I have chosen to stick with a psychology degree and why, something my Mum never particularly understood. She listened as I told her how I am struggling with comparing myself to others, that I feel in all aspects of my life I feel I am falling behind my peers and my life at uni is a huge example of this that slaps me in my face whenever anyone asks "hows uni going?".

I talked about Chronic Fatigue and how I was anxious about going back this semester and the fear that the stress of uni would set me back with the Chronic Fatigue and I would have to start healing all over again. Mum wanted to know why I was going back then and I was able to tell her about how I felt that I was disappointing her with how much I am struggling with uni, that I am so far from being completed. That the reason I was going back was because I didnt want her to feel disappointed in me further, that I am so consious of how long it is going to take me to complete my degree part time and I felt bad putting working on it off even longer.

Mum and I talked about me having come so far and that I should let myself have all the time I need rather than pushing myself too much before I am ready. She has encouraged me to withdraw from this semester (which hasnt started yet - starts in March) and spend some time doing a little volenteer work so that I am doing something and pushing myself a little while not having the pressure and stress. I think prehaps she is right, and knowing I have her support in this makes me feel it is okay to do. I am going to talk to Margaret (my psychologist) about it before I definitely do anything because I find talking things over with her help me to look at it in a different way and more confident in my decisions.

We also talked about how much she is struggling with Ann's death, we talked about her being depressed but she is not ready to achknowledge that she needs to allow herself to heal - she sees too many obstcales and wants to just put on her mask and keep going - because to her its the only option. I try to encourage her otherwise but she needs to see it herself before she will do anything. Its hard to see her in so much pain and not be able to help more. I listen, and I provide comfort, sometimes I encourage her to do little exercises I have tried or heard about, I tell her about options of help that are available but until she is ready to start healing and seek help there isnt much I can do.

I deal with her pain better than I used to, I recognise that I am doing all I can and that I cannot carry her burdens. I have learnt to listen and be supportive without adding her issues to my own. I have learnt to also take time for myself to process and let go after I have spent time listening to my Mum. Listening to her stregthens my own resolves in healing, I recognise that putting up a mask and "getting over it" only causes more pain and negativity in life. I want more; I dont want to just appear to be happy - I want to be happy.

Paul from Mind Parts said something in his post, Reflections on 2010, that struck a chord with many of his readers, myself included:

“I also have an appreciation for the fact that healing is really about living. It is not all about therapy. The work we have done has helped me live more of the life I want to live.”

I think this so well worded, it defines what healing is to me. I want to live life to the full, I want to be happy and content and I want to have the tools to deal with hard times so that my outlook on life will no longer be defined by them. I want to learn to look forward in to the future and not have that vision obscured by the past. Healing is the means to do this, its the means to allowing myself to live life to the full. Healing is about living.

Does Dissociation Make Us Special?

Paul's blog, Mind Parts, is a very well written blog that really gets me thinking about my own healing journey. I am slowly going back over his past highlighted posts. Yesterday I read his post "Does Dissociation Make Us Special?" and it provoked in me a lot of emotion as well as thought.

I'm not sure I completely understand why I had such a strong emotional response to this post. I felt hurt, betrayed and even anger. Intellectually I understood what Paul was trying to say and I even agree with a lot of it, which is why my emotional response surprised me.

I can understand the risk of viewing ourselves as special because of DID, how it might hinder healing. If I believe I am special because of DID then I am unlikely to move past it, wanting to hold on to that feeling of "specialness". That doesn't mean people diagnosed with DID aren't special, they are - each of those people are strong individuals who survived something horrible - but what makes them special isn't DID, or what they survived - it's that they are strong unique individuals.

I have come to know many other survivors through Pandys, blogs and other forums, and I believe all of those friends, are beautiful, strong and loving people who I have great admiration for, I think they are special people. However, personally, I haven't really ever felt special, while I can relate to these people and recognise that I fall into the same category as a survivor, I cannot see myself in the same way.  I realise that is part of my low self esteem, the part of me that still believes all of those cruel things I heard as a child. But understanding something intellectually and accepting it within yourself are two different things and while I do a lot better at not putting myself down I have yet to accept that I might be special, for whatever reason.

The topic of language in his post was an interesting one, that I still have two minds about. For a long time I struggled with terms such as "alt" or even "survivor". I still do. I have always called my "alts" 'my little ones' or if talking about them individually I refer to them by their preferred name. As I began to involve myself in the "survivor" community (blogs and forums mostly) I began to use the language myself, not because I felt differently about it but because it made it easier to communicate. It made it easier to explain to close friends.

Paul said:

The language of dissociative disorders and their definitions present narrow views. These views tend to tie us into a particular way of thinking (and sometimes being) and ultimately hold us back...

It's rather easy to say "Personality A did this" or "Personality B was out" and people, particularly treaters, will know exactly what you mean. But that's usually said because of lack of awareness, or strict adherence to the dissociative language and paradigms. As we develop awareness–as we heal–we necessarily find ourselves at odds with these paradigms and with the goal of dissociation.

I disagree with this, I do see the point he is trying to make however for me the language and definitions provide a common ground and understanding when talking to others about DID. It gives me a place to build from to then take those terms and use them to help people try and see my own personal experiences. That having been said, while I may use these terms while communicating about DID it doesn't define the way I think, feel and experience it.

I don't think using it to communicate has ever held me back or I have used it to distinguish myself, or to seem "special". Some words still rub against me the wrong way, but it is easier just to use them rather than try and explain the complex ways I feel and view my system. 

As far as referring to each alt by their names, (or as Paul puts it "Personality A " or "Personality B") this is something I do instinctively. I am aware that when I call them an alt or part some of my little ones feel insulted, they feel I am making them less than what they are.

A final comment on Paul's blog, just because I have disagreed with parts of his post and I had a huge emotional response to it, has not changed my opinion of it. It is a well written blog which I find challenging. I have a great amount of respect for Paul, what he writes and what he tries to do with things like The Expressive Arts Carnival. I admire his strength and his ability to write topics that could be consider controversial in a respectful manner.