Love Can Happen

Why do people get married?

That is what Natalie & the 4 year old asked Elmo, my fiancee. They are afraid of the change marriage might bring. They have been asking many similar questions too. They want to know who Elmo is marrying - is he marrying me or are they part of it?

A Beautiful Picture of Elmo & I by kaer-morhen*

Their relationship with Elmo is complex - he recognises them as part of me but also see that they are each uniquely themselves. He told me once that one of the first things he learnt about DID from dating me was that each part isn't just 2 dimensional. While each part might have their reason - their part in our system - they each have their unique personalities - traits, likes & dislikes - some of which are separate to my own. All that said, Elmo still sees that they are part of who I am and that makes him love them for who they are.

When he talked to my littles about marriage - he told them it would change nothing at home, that it would be to show the world his love and commitment. He said that while he is marrying me - he is making a commitment to all of us to be there. Together they decided that I would be Elmo's wife - but they would be part of his family.

I am very lucky with how supportive Elmo is in our relationship, however it is hard and we both have to work at our relationship. Every relationship has their struggles and with me bring so much baggage into our relationship that puts all the more pressure on us. The thing that keeps us together is that we communicate - we talk through everything - even the things that dont have answers, we talk about it until we both feel better and know we are there for each other.

Today Elmo and I put a deposit on our wedding rings - we have booked the venues and are starting to interview celebrants and photographers. We are getting married in 10 months and I am so happy - there is still a lot of stress and I still have bad times (Ive been a bit triggered lately but more on that in another post) but I am also able to laugh and I feel loved and know its going to be okay.

2 years ago when I started this blog, I didnt think I could be happy like this - being in a healthy relationship and getting married seem to be an impossible goal for someone with DID. Who would want to take that all on? However it happened - because I am someone worth loving and I found someone who sees that and loves me and whom I love.

I write all this to let others who feel like I did 2 years ago who feel that a relationship is out of reach. It can happen, with the right person and with a lot of effort on both parts - but it is worth it - 110%.

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* The picture above is one I commissioned from a great friend (and my Maid of Honour) for Elmo's and my 1 year anniversary. You can check out her other works at Deviant Art

Pranic Healing

I mentioned in the post Christmas at the Beach that I had been trying something new for the Chronic Fatigue. One of the things has been Pranic Healing and I have been meaning to post about it for a while.

Just before Christmas Mum told me she had invited a man over who believed he could help my Chronic Fatigue through Pranic Healing. My first reaction was skepticism, I do believe there is more than we really understand however I think a lot of clairvoyants, healer etc. out there who are taking advantage of innocent and usually people who are hurting. I think their are few gifted people out there to the number who claim they have gifts.

Anyway, I agreed to meet Steve and surprisingly I felt comfortable around him and my instincts told me he was for real. I have always felt I could trust my instincts and they are usually fairly close to the mark. I agreed to try a session with him.

Pranic Healing is interesting - it requires no actual touch. Steve began by reading my aura and chakras and seeing where the work needed doing. He than asked the spirits to help guide him and heal me, it was much like a prayer I might say. He had me lie down on a massage table and he cleaned out my aura. Both this and the reading were mostly hand actions about a foot away from my body. He asked me to focus on happy memories occasionally, to think of things that would make me smile and try and get me to hold on to those memories. He then focused on putting healing colours into my chakras.

 One of the things that Steve mentioned was that each of our chakras have little shields and that sometimes they get hurt or broken. I think this hit home for me because I often feeling that me shields are cracked - they have taken to many direct hits and wont hold up against much more.

Honestly I was still a little skeptical, but I had agreed to try it and be open and I believed for the most part I was. After that first session, I walked away feeling lighter but I actually didn't feel better until the next day. It was not a dramatic improvement but I felt more awake and less "clouded" in my mind. It might not sound like much but from the way I have been feeling this is a lot to me. It has meant I could pick up a book a read for an hour without exhausting myself.

The next day Steve gave me a call to ask how I was feeling, I explained about feeling more awake and less clouded however that the pain that comes with Chronic Fatigue had not lessened. He admitted that he had been focusing on energy and had forgot about the pain and the next time we worked he would work on that.

I had the second session two days ago. The pain in my muscles and lower back is less though not completely gone and the pain in my joints, hands & feet are still the same. He has given me some exercises which involve breathing and visualising colours to help with different things. I think I will continue with the exercises, I cannot really tell if they help or not but they are relaxing if nothing else. Overall I think Steve has helped, I don't think Pranic Healing holds the cure to Chronic Fatigue but I do believe it has helped make some of the symptoms a little more manageable, for a time at least.

I am still skeptical on a lot of these practices - mostly because of people and not because I think there is nothing to them. I think this comes down to trust and I find it hard to completely trust people. I don't trust very many people completely. Its actually interesting because many people have told me I trust to easily. But if I am honest I am usually open and trust people to a point - if they break that trust then I close of completely, but it takes a long time for anyone to get my full trust. I just don't think people realise that because they see the small amount of trust I give at the start and think it is all the trust I have.