Love Can Happen

Why do people get married?

That is what Natalie & the 4 year old asked Elmo, my fiancee. They are afraid of the change marriage might bring. They have been asking many similar questions too. They want to know who Elmo is marrying - is he marrying me or are they part of it?

A Beautiful Picture of Elmo & I by kaer-morhen*

Their relationship with Elmo is complex - he recognises them as part of me but also see that they are each uniquely themselves. He told me once that one of the first things he learnt about DID from dating me was that each part isn't just 2 dimensional. While each part might have their reason - their part in our system - they each have their unique personalities - traits, likes & dislikes - some of which are separate to my own. All that said, Elmo still sees that they are part of who I am and that makes him love them for who they are.

When he talked to my littles about marriage - he told them it would change nothing at home, that it would be to show the world his love and commitment. He said that while he is marrying me - he is making a commitment to all of us to be there. Together they decided that I would be Elmo's wife - but they would be part of his family.

I am very lucky with how supportive Elmo is in our relationship, however it is hard and we both have to work at our relationship. Every relationship has their struggles and with me bring so much baggage into our relationship that puts all the more pressure on us. The thing that keeps us together is that we communicate - we talk through everything - even the things that dont have answers, we talk about it until we both feel better and know we are there for each other.

Today Elmo and I put a deposit on our wedding rings - we have booked the venues and are starting to interview celebrants and photographers. We are getting married in 10 months and I am so happy - there is still a lot of stress and I still have bad times (Ive been a bit triggered lately but more on that in another post) but I am also able to laugh and I feel loved and know its going to be okay.

2 years ago when I started this blog, I didnt think I could be happy like this - being in a healthy relationship and getting married seem to be an impossible goal for someone with DID. Who would want to take that all on? However it happened - because I am someone worth loving and I found someone who sees that and loves me and whom I love.

I write all this to let others who feel like I did 2 years ago who feel that a relationship is out of reach. It can happen, with the right person and with a lot of effort on both parts - but it is worth it - 110%.

-----------------------

* The picture above is one I commissioned from a great friend (and my Maid of Honour) for Elmo's and my 1 year anniversary. You can check out her other works at Deviant Art

The Mind VS Feelings

NOTE: Please be aware that sex is a topic in this post - it is not discussed in any depth but it is mentioned. If you feel this might trigger you, take care of yourself and skip this post.

------------------------------------------------------

Running away from a Good Thing

The most exciting news I have since my huge break is that at the beginning of the year Elmo proposed! We are planning a small garden wedding for March 2013. I feel very lucky to have found someone who is so loving and supportive and who respects my needs even when they can be a little difficult. He also amazingly great with my littles but I plan to post about that in a later post.

A drawing I made representing how safe I feel with Elmo

The hard thing for me at the moment is that despite all this, I am having to fight a part of me that is telling me to break it off and run away. I understand that this just my subconscious just trying to protect me from being hurt and have been talking to Margaret about it too. According to her, everyone has pre-wedding jitters and when you couple that with my abusive childhood, a father who left me and hasn't contacted me since age 6 and the lack of good examples when it comes to marriage; its no wonder I am fearful of commitment.

The thing is, knowing all this doesn't make the feeling go away - I still want to run away. I'm really worried that I'm going to screw up and ruin this great thing. Its frustrating because I want this to be a fun exciting time and I cant seem to escape my past. I'm angry that long after his death my grandfather is still screwing up my life.

I have talked this all through with Elmo and as usual, he is completely understanding and loving, though I know it hurts him that part of me wants to run away. One of the things I have been doing is writing a list of all the things I love about Elmo and reading through it when I get scared or want to run away.

Expressive Arts Carnival: Coping and Safety

I seem to have failed at getting to back to posting regularly but I am trying. Things are still a little tough, particularly with the Chronic Fatigue. I am exhausted all the time and my body hurts, I went and saw my doctor yesterday and she had me have more blood tests and I a special test I am going to have to travel to Sydney to get it done (that's about 4 hours by public transport). I also have to see another specialist for another opinion. I love that my doctor is so thorougher however I'm always scared these tests will find something worse than the Chronic Fatigue and Fibromyalgia.

That is not what I want to write about in this post. I want to write about my recent Expressive Arts Carnival submission. This month's activity is about 'coping': Through drawing, painting, photography or any other visual means, create an image about mechanisms you have used to cope when you thought you could not.

It took me a while to think of how I do actually cope. For me breaking down and falling apart has never really been an option. There have been times when I have wanted to, but something inside just wont let me let go of the reins, so to speak. There have been times when I have dissociated for days on end and my parts have taken over and there have been times when I will withdraw from all my social circles but I have always been able to function to some capacity. For a while I was going to draw about my alts and how they have helped me to cope over the years, because I probably wouldn't have survived some of my experiences without them. However I wanted to focus on how *I* cope and not just my parts, and I realise I have many coping mechanisms in place that I never really acknowledged all that much.

When I am overwhelmed with emotions or when I need some time to myself to sort things out I will sit at my desk with my headphones on, and this is what I decided to represent here. Sometimes I just curl up and listen to the music and other times I will draw while listening.

The night I started this artwork I was in one of those moods where I was exhausted and triggered and I just wanted to escape. I put a Natasha Bedingfield album on and started to draw. We had a bunch of people over (which has become a regular occurrence) but I took the time I needed for myself and trusted my friends to understand and respect that. I am really proud of that, that I was able to take the time I needed for myself and that I put my needs before the feeling that I should be polite to our guests.

When I submitted this to Paul he commented he didn't know if I looked "lonely and sad... or whether you just want to be by yourself and escape". My housemate and friend said that the girl looks content. Honestly it is hard to describe how I feel at these times, I still feel the emotions that triggered me and caused me to turn to this however at the same time I feel a particular sense of calm and contentment. Its a certain type of retreat that allows me to sort through everything that has been going on while separating myself from it at the same time. For me, particularly when I draw in these moods, its when I make huge steps within myself.
 
Unfortunately last month I was not able to participate in the Expressive Arts Carnival as I was not up to drawing and I didn't get my artwork done in time. It was disappointing because it was a great theme and the artworks were amazing. I really suggest you check it out here. The theme was safety, and I actually did start to draw something for the carnival, it just didn't get finished in time. However I did finish it this month and I decided to share it here anyway.

When I started this artwork I was having a particularly hard time with threats from a person who has hurt me in the past. He was sending me sms', prank calling the house phone and making it obvious he was watching me and my home. I was terrified and safety really felt like an issue. Elmo, my boyfriend, has been wonderful about the entire thing. He respected that I was too scared to go to the police and he made sure I wasn't left alone, and just made sure I felt as safe as I could given the situation.

This picture isn't really a portrait of us in any way, it is just a couple that I sketched up, I am hopeless at making my art look like someone I know. However it is supposed to represent how safe Elmo has made me feel particularly when it comes to hugs. I have felt very lucky that I have Elmo in my life, particularly in time when we can really help each other through some hard times. I'm not confident that I would have been able to get through the last few months as well as I have without his love and support.

Originally, I was going to put these artworks into different posts, however I realised how much the to themes are related, well at least for me. To cope I have needed to find ways to face what ever is troubling me in a safe way. And my relationship to safety has changed based on how well I am coping with everything. I do not think I can completely separate the two themes. Letting Elmo in and being able to go to him for hugs was a huge risk for me however he has helped me to cope as much as my music and drawing. I don't feel that I am explaining the relationship between coping and safety very well however I am really tired and I might go into it more in another post.

On a slightly random side note, I am particularly proud of both of these drawings as pieces of art. I hope you enjoy them as much as I do sharing them.

Falling

It has been over a month since I last posted and I feel bad for that. Not simply for the people who read this but more for myself. Writing this blog is extremely therapeutic for me - it helps me to really analyse what I am going through and help me to feel calmer. Margaret explains this as the thinking, logical part of the brain connecting to the emotional part of the brain and helping process things and calming the emotional part. It is why journaling is supposed to help so much. I have also been avoiding doing any art and this is also particularly unhealthy for me as art is a way of safely expressing how I feel.

The reason for all this is I have been having a particularly stressful couple of months. To summaries, Elmo fell and fractured his spine (he has a wedge fracture in his L1 for those of you who have knowledge about spinal injuries), I caught a nasty flu which exacerbated the Chronic Fatigue, I started getting flash backs in relation to a new and particularly nasty memory, and started getting pranks and threats from a man who has hurt me in the past. My house-mate, and good friend has also been particularly struggling with his own issues. Overall, the last 7 weeks have been more than a little difficult.

It can be interesting how things work out; this year I have become a lot closer to a wonderful group of people and started dating Elmo and now all of this difficulties have been dropped in my lap. Had it happened 6 months ago I don't think I would have coped however with the great support I have around me I have been able to get through with out completely breaking down (though there have been moments I have felt close). I am not saying that any of this is good, or even okay - more that it is amazing how the universe/God provides.

Before I began to write this post I entitled it 'Falling' because that has been how I have been feeling lately in a number of ways. I feel that I have fallen off the side of the planet when it comes to keeping in touch with people and keeping up with my blog and reading others. I was literally falling down I was so tired with the Chronic Fatigue (even managed to give myself a mild concussion one night and sprain my wrist). And I have been feeling like I am doing everything I can to not fall into all the emotions that have come with this new memory.

Things are getting better slowly. After 7 weeks in a full back brace, Elmo was given the all clear today to take the brace off, and is getting around just fine. I changed my mobile number and the threats seemed to have stopped (though Elmo is still being very protective). I am very slowly starting to get my energy levels back to where they were and I am not falling down any more. While I am still having a lot of nightmares and still struggling to come to terms with the new memory I am beginning to be desensitised to it and the number of flashbacks has significantly reduced.

I will be trying to write more often though my posts may still be short and irregular at the moment. But I do want to get back in the habit because as I said at the beginning of this post, it does help and when you guys leave comments it really is encouraging and does make a difference.

So to all those people who have regularly read and commented on my blog in the past, thank you, you have helped me get through some difficult times.

Learning to Deal with Anger

I feel bad it has been so long since I have posted anything. While things are still going well for me it has been a busy couple of weeks, at least for someone with my energy levels. However I am coping well considering and while still quite tired and sore I am managing fairly well.

As I described in my last post I have made some new wonderful friends, become closer with Tiger and began dating Elmo. All of these people, particularly Elmo, have become a wonderful support network and I believe it is because of them that I have been making some new steps forward in healing. The amazing thing is I dont think any of them realise how much of a difference they make to me. I try to explain and show how grateful I am but I dont know how to explain or show them without going into things that I really dont want to share.

A particularly difficult step forward happened on Saturday night. Saturday had been a great day, I spent it with Elmo, Tiger and the others and Tiger taught us to make sushi. It was wonderful and so much fun!
Tiger was feeling particularly lonely Saturday night so I invited him over to my place for the night. This meant that I had to settle Tiger in the spare bed and change the sheets on my bed so that Elmo and I could sleep there. This was fine – I really didn’t mind, in the scheme of things it was a small task. However, I felt annoyed and frustrated, my chest felt heavy and tight – like a huge lump was on it and I had the overwhelming urge to hit something. Inside I was told I was angry. It’s really the first time I have ever felt like that in my memory. It was terrifying.

I tried explaining to Elmo the best I could and he was really good about it. He talked to me and teased me a little and allowed me to throw a tantrum which ended with me hitting him with a pillow. I think he found the entire thing rather amusing once he knew what was going on and I was letting it out. For me it was frightening, not just the feeling and not understanding, but I felt out of control – I felt violent by hitting him with a pillow. I realise it was harmless and I would possibly have a pillow fight in play – but while I had no interest in hurting Elmo, hitting him with a pillow in that mood felt violent and that terrified me. I told Elmo that I didn’t like being violent and felt that it was and he thought that made me cute.

I know what I experienced was a good thing; I managed to feel something I haven’t felt by myself for as long as I can remember. I managed to do it without switching and I let it out in a healthy manner, even if it wasn’t a particularly mature way of handling things. But it was difficult, upsetting and frightening for me; it didn’t feel good. It didn’t feel like progress.

As for the reason for this anger, well it had been a wonderful day. I was happy to Tiger come and stay. Making a bed is not a big deal. But I was tired, I had been pushing it for a couple days and I was in pain and I was frustrated because I hadn’t been able to contribute with the sushi day as much as wanted because of it. I hate feeling helpless and tired. I hate that the Chronic Fatigue impedes on my relationship both with Elmo and with my friends. The anger was at me and the situation I am currently in due to the Chronic Fatigue. I’m not sure what triggered the anger to come out at that moment, perhaps it was simply that I had the support I needed and my mind felt I was ready.

What ever the reasoning I do accept that it is a step forward even if its a difficult one. It still frightens me and I am not particularly happy about it but I am still proud of myself.

A Sense of Belonging

I have been struggling lately to post anything here, I cannot seem to find the right words. Things have been really well for me lately - I have been spending a lot of time with some new friends and have even started dating someone. For the first time that I can remember I felt like I belonged somewhere.

Its not that I haven't had friends in the past, because I have and I genuinely care about them and know they care for me. However I never have felt free to be completely myself and I have never felt such unconditional acceptance. They are okay with me - all of me - they do not mind if I switch and have began to get to know each part and they treat each with respect. It is a relief not to have to constantly be on guard or being worried about what will happen if one of the little ones comes out.

I still get anxious, and there is a part of me that is still really worried that we will be rejected or hurt. But my general feeling is one of belonging and that is the most amazing feeling.

Tiger is a huge part of that, he is a good friend who introduced me to this wonderful group of people. Recently the littles 'adopted' Tiger as our big brother - which he seems to take rather seriously. He really wants to take care of us and that amazes a lot of the less trusting parts inside. He is just so generous with himself and so loving, he really is a wonderful example that there are good people in this world.

All of this socialising, while does wonders for how i feel, hasn't helped with the Chronic Fatigue. I really struggle to give myself enough rest while still getting out and enjoying my friends and boyfriend. For the most part I make light of it because I don't want anyone to worry or fuss. However I do realise that its a big problem that I have to be careful with or else I am going to end up really bad again and I really don't want to go back there.

I am travelling to Sydney this week to see a nutritionist/homoeopath who has experience dealing with Chronic Fatigue and has helped others in the past. I am hopeful that she will be able to help. But I still recognise that I need to find a better balance.