NOTE: Please be aware that sex is a topic in this post - it is not discussed in any depth but it is mentioned. If you feel this might trigger you, take care of yourself and skip this post.
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The last couple of weeks I have been particularly triggered and this means that I cant handle being as physically close to Elmo as I might normally be. There are times when he tries, just to see if I can handle it and when I say no he is often hurt, which then scares/upsets me in return.
We talked about it and the reason he gets upset is because he feels bad that 'he' upset/scared me. But the thing is, it isn't his fault - I'm not scared of Elmo, just of the sexual intimacy and being further triggered. At the same time, I understand that me saying no is not about the sex, but this is where the title comes in. What my mind knows and my emotional reaction don't always match.
I found this a lot with healing, I can intellectually understand that I am safe, that those who have hurt me in the past no longer have access to me. I also understand that sex can be about love and intimacy, but emotionally it is entirely separate for me. Another example is feeling that my alts are separate to who I am - they have their own personalities and while I understand intellectually they are a part of who I am, it doesn't always feel it.
I'm not sure if other survivors struggle with this, but for me, taking what I know and applying it emotionally is hard. One thing I use is my journal - to help me remember the things I learn and to read over them when I am having troubles.
I do feel very lucky to have Elmo who is so supportive and understanding, even when it puts pressure on our relationship. I have some wonderful friends who have been showing me so much, love support and acceptance of all of me. The last couple weeks the stress and being triggered has been making me much sicker and I have been feeling pretty down. Its good to remember that great things I have around me.
2 comments:
I think its understandable to be facing such struggles but if we look around at whom we know is married (even if its just online people's) we can see that such issues in relationships CAN be overcome. I also think its important to realise that even people without our sort of background can struggle with sex and relationships too, so its not just us.
I think its great that you have Elmo to help you out and be supportive. I think that as long as you're communicating as best you can with him then you'll be able to work through it.
Will be praying xoxox
I think anyone making a big change feels the difference between their thoughts and feelings. Though they don't necessarily have the intensity of being triggered.
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