Good Intentions vs Reality

I have found that no matter how good my intentions are I always seem to go through phases where I don't write in my blog, I don't use my journal and I put aside my healing time. Its not that I dont want to heal, or I am even trying to run away. It is simply that I am too caught up in day to day stress that I dont have the energy for me.

I discussed this with Margaret (my psychologist) today and started talking about "Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs". For those of you who don't know about Maslow, he was an American Psychologist and the Hierarchy of Needs is one of his more well known theories which he published in 1943.

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs
(picture from here)

Maslow's theory suggests that the most basic level of needs (the bottom tier of the pyramid) must be met before the individual will strongly desire (or focus motivation upon) the secondary or higher level needs. In my case, I have been very stressed lately about money and my health and haven't had the energy to focus on healing.

My talk with Margaret made me feel that it is okay to give myself a break from healing and to focus on daily stresses when I need to. Despite that I do still need to spend some time for me and feeling better and this blog is part of that and with that in mind I am going to try to put aside time each week for me to focus on me and my healing journey.


** Information on Maslow's Hierarcy of Needs is from Wikipedia

Measuring Progress

When discussing healing I have often heard the saying 'one step forward, three steps back'. It is something I have said myself, there are times when things are so confusing that you feel you have been spun in so many directions that you don't know which way you face. There are plenty of times when the set backs are so easy to see, but it is rare to see the progress until you look back and realise how far you have come.

How do we measure progress? what is considered a step forward? what is considered a step back? There are definitely times when it is obvious, such as being able to handle a situation that I couldn't before. However, this week I have realised there are plenty of things that can be considered either - it is just a matter of the way you look at it.

About a week ago, I found out about a new part, Laila. I still don't know much about her - she seems to be an adult. However the way she speaks reminds me a little of Elsie or Sasha so I wonder if she is another non-human alt. I do know she is nocturnal, this is something she has told Stacy - and so far she has only come out at night.

When I first found out about Laila, I was disappointed. I felt that I had been making progress lately and felt that a new part was obviously a set back. I definitely thought along the lines of 'one step forward, three steps back'. Later, days later, I started to really think about it differently. In the past many of my parts have been around a long time before they have become known to the system and I believe this is the same with Laila. A new part doesn't mean I have 'split' again, it is just a part as surfaced that I didn't know about before. This could be because she has a skill we need, because she carries memories we are ready to face or simply I am in a place where I can accept something new.

Laila appearing now can be taken as a sign of our progress - of my own acceptance of our system. It is all a matter of perspective - the way I choose to look at it. I still don't know why Laila is a part, or why she has come forward now however I am choosing not to see it as a set back.


My last session with Margaret (my psychologist) was a hard one, it left me shaken and I really struggled with the things we discussed. Ever since I have seen Margaret we spent very little time discussing the past, my childhood or any of the abuse. Not that Margaret hasn't tried to get me to talk about it, but I am a master at avoidance and changing the subject and Margaret will only push me so hard - I need to be ready. My last session was different, we discussed my last visit to my grandparent's house (after Nana had died, but Papa was still alive). I talked about how it felt, the fear and the need to get out. We discussed other things but I will go into that another post. I have mentioned in other posts that I can actually talk about the abuse to some degree however it is like telling a story - I am detached from the memories and don't feel any emotions about it. This was different - I talked about my memories, my feelings - I didn't just tell a story.

Being a hard session could be taken as a bad thing, a set back but the truth is I managed to start to face the emotions, to talk just a little about the past. That is a huge step and Margaret made sure I knew that before we ended our session. The 7yo didnt flip out at me talking either - which is a big thing for her (she is the keeper of secrets).

This weekend has been a wonderful weekend, I was simply happy. There was nothing particularly special about this weekend, I did have lunch with a great friend who I haven't seen in ages, I went to church, I cuddled my friend's new born. These are all simple things but they brought me so much happiness. I came home from church on Sunday night and I was happy. I am happy. content and just simply in a good mood.

I could look at my great mood and say that it is of little consequence, I just had a good weekend. However when I think back to 2008, I was so depressed, I didn't think I would ever be happy again. Even just reading my blog at the end of last year, I felt that I wasn't living life. The fact that I am happy is such a great thing and is evidence of the progress I have made. It is also a reminder of the great things and people I have in my life.

I don't believe I have suddenly turned a new page and I am going to be always happy and making huge bounds forward in healing. Life doesn't work like that. There will set-backs. There will be bad days. However I can see I have made progress and that I am making progress. More importantly, when difficult things cross my path I can choose the way I look at them. I hope this reminds me to look at things more positively, to recognise even the baby steps forward.

Progress

Last week I wrote a post entitled "Change"; it really ran off topic and to places I didn't really expect - I hadn't even realised that was where my mind was at. It was a good reminder to myself of how far I have come. There are days when I feel that I am not getting anywhere and that I am at a stand still.

This is particularly true since I have been struggling with Chronic Fatigue. It is so hard to be focused on healing when I don't have the energy for simple tasks - like cooking my own dinner. Yet thinking back on this year I realised that I have started to accept my parts so much more than any point in my life. I fight them less and have come to rely on certain parts - I don't know how I would have got through the last few months with out Stacy to help me. I have grown to love them - even the difficult ones. I see this a huge progress - especially when I think back to 2007 when I started therapy - I wouldn't tell my psychologist about my parts and didn't want to acknowledge their existence in any way. I still struggle to see them as part of me - when people say this to me I have to bite my tongue to stop myself from arguing. They feel like separate individuals to me. But one step at a time.

I think a huge lesson I have learnt since I have had Chronic Fatigue, is that I need to take the time to care of my body and my mind. If I don't then it will fall apart and wont be able to carry me through this life. I often want to put other people, things, work, uni etc. before myself - particularly when it comes to my physical health. However if I don't stop to take care of myself it will effect my ability to do those things in the future - even more so if I don't take care of myself in the now. While this is a lesson I have learnt more in the light of physical health, I realise the truth of it in relation to mental health too.

It is hard to see progress when you look at your own healing journey, particularly in the short term. But as time rolls by and you look back at where you were, you do see how far you have come. I read a few different blogs of survivors, all who are at different places with their healing - some I look at and wonder how I will ever get to the place they are at. Some are just starting their healing journey and may even look at my blog and think where I am at is out of reach. But each path is different and we shouldn't try to compare; as hard as that is at time. However what I want to get at was that we will all get there eventually, if we keep working at it. Even in those times when we feel we are at a stand still we are still making baby steps - steps that may be so small that we don't see the progress now but when we look back later we will see that we have moved forward.

Does Dissociation Make Us Special?

Paul's blog, Mind Parts, is a very well written blog that really gets me thinking about my own healing journey. I am slowly going back over his past highlighted posts. Yesterday I read his post "Does Dissociation Make Us Special?" and it provoked in me a lot of emotion as well as thought.

I'm not sure I completely understand why I had such a strong emotional response to this post. I felt hurt, betrayed and even anger. Intellectually I understood what Paul was trying to say and I even agree with a lot of it, which is why my emotional response surprised me.

I can understand the risk of viewing ourselves as special because of DID, how it might hinder healing. If I believe I am special because of DID then I am unlikely to move past it, wanting to hold on to that feeling of "specialness". That doesn't mean people diagnosed with DID aren't special, they are - each of those people are strong individuals who survived something horrible - but what makes them special isn't DID, or what they survived - it's that they are strong unique individuals.

I have come to know many other survivors through Pandys, blogs and other forums, and I believe all of those friends, are beautiful, strong and loving people who I have great admiration for, I think they are special people. However, personally, I haven't really ever felt special, while I can relate to these people and recognise that I fall into the same category as a survivor, I cannot see myself in the same way.  I realise that is part of my low self esteem, the part of me that still believes all of those cruel things I heard as a child. But understanding something intellectually and accepting it within yourself are two different things and while I do a lot better at not putting myself down I have yet to accept that I might be special, for whatever reason.

The topic of language in his post was an interesting one, that I still have two minds about. For a long time I struggled with terms such as "alt" or even "survivor". I still do. I have always called my "alts" 'my little ones' or if talking about them individually I refer to them by their preferred name. As I began to involve myself in the "survivor" community (blogs and forums mostly) I began to use the language myself, not because I felt differently about it but because it made it easier to communicate. It made it easier to explain to close friends.

Paul said:

The language of dissociative disorders and their definitions present narrow views. These views tend to tie us into a particular way of thinking (and sometimes being) and ultimately hold us back...

It's rather easy to say "Personality A did this" or "Personality B was out" and people, particularly treaters, will know exactly what you mean. But that's usually said because of lack of awareness, or strict adherence to the dissociative language and paradigms. As we develop awareness–as we heal–we necessarily find ourselves at odds with these paradigms and with the goal of dissociation.

I disagree with this, I do see the point he is trying to make however for me the language and definitions provide a common ground and understanding when talking to others about DID. It gives me a place to build from to then take those terms and use them to help people try and see my own personal experiences. That having been said, while I may use these terms while communicating about DID it doesn't define the way I think, feel and experience it.

I don't think using it to communicate has ever held me back or I have used it to distinguish myself, or to seem "special". Some words still rub against me the wrong way, but it is easier just to use them rather than try and explain the complex ways I feel and view my system. 

As far as referring to each alt by their names, (or as Paul puts it "Personality A " or "Personality B") this is something I do instinctively. I am aware that when I call them an alt or part some of my little ones feel insulted, they feel I am making them less than what they are.

A final comment on Paul's blog, just because I have disagreed with parts of his post and I had a huge emotional response to it, has not changed my opinion of it. It is a well written blog which I find challenging. I have a great amount of respect for Paul, what he writes and what he tries to do with things like The Expressive Arts Carnival. I admire his strength and his ability to write topics that could be consider controversial in a respectful manner.

A bit of this and a bit of that....

Today we are seeing Margaret (the psychologist). This is not really a big deal as it used to be - I used to feel a sense of dread. Margaret is a fantastic support, pushing me just a little out of my comfort zone to try and experience the emotions or try and face a memory, however when I back away she lets me. It is a slow process however she makes most of us feel safe, secure and in control. The sense of dread came from wondering what I would face and knowing that I really didn't want to look at that dark side of my memories.

However since having the Chronic Fatigue (CF) she no longer pushes us, we just don't have the energy to cope with that kind of thing. So for that reason, we have cut back our sessions to once a fortnight and mostly she helps me deal with day to day issues - helps me cope with the sense of helplessness that comes with CF, helps me brain storm ideas to deal with issues that come up; like how to stop the littles from buying things that we really cant afford.

The last few sessions we have been discussing my loneliness, how to make new friends when I don't work & I no longer go to uni classes. At the moment its pretty hard since I rarely go out as it wears me out, and the idea of making new friends just feels too hard while I am this tired. However I have to have faith that I wont always feel like this else I would given in to depression.

Meeting new people always comes with a certain amount of anxiety, since a few of the littles get scared of new people, especially males. Then there is the fear I will switch in front of them - the numerous "what ifs" that come with DID. Then there is just the general anxiety that most introverts feel when it comes to the prospect of meeting new people.

To answer Candycan's question :
Each of my alts introduced themselves with the name that I refer to them as - the only exception is when I refer to my littles by an age - they each share the same name as me & it gets confusing to say inside "Hey Kylie" - you get a lot of responses! As such we refer to them by their age, we did try nicknames for a while but a few of the younger ones didn't like that - they prefer being called their age than a name they don't see as their own.

I always find names and their meanings fascinating - our name is so much apart of our identity despite the fact that we never choose it for ourselves. Even nicknames are usually given to us by friends or family. I am not sure where my alts came up with their names - I asked a couple of them and they didn't recall choosing the name so much as that's just who they were.

Sage summed it up the best when she said;
"You look in the mirror and see 'Kylie', if I look in a mirror (inside) I see 'Sage'. No matter how much I have questioned who I am as part of our system, I have never questioned that I am Sage. It was never a choice, just a fact that that was who I was and who I am."

Writing this has taken me ages of coming back and forth just because I am so tired - but I am glad I am doing it. It gives me such a huge sense of accomplishment which is such a nice feeling, and such a rare one these days. I am sorry if any of my posts ever feel a little disjointed but its hard to keep the flow when I am writing a single post in lots of small sessions.

There is one final thing I want to mention before I finish this. I recently came across a wonderful project by a survivor when I was checking a few blogs I haven't been keeping up with until recently.
Basically a survivor has set up a little art project called the Expressive Arts Carnival. On the first day of each month he posts an art project for the month - he excepts submissions for roughly 3 weeks and then will post all the submissions on his site for that months project. In his words, "The purpose of these activities is not to provide therapy. Instead, the goal is to build a healing community where people can submit what they have done related to a monthly theme." He has past projects up there and it is amazing what people have come up with. I think it is a beautiful idea of bringing together people and allowing them to share the expression of how they feel in art.

Nadia and I have been working on our submission for this month's project (due 23rd November). It has been a really special experience - I have never worked so closely with one of my alts to create something.  When it is complete I will post it up here - in the mean time I wanted to share this project with you and encourage other survivors to enter their own works of art.

Misdiagnosis - Skitzophrenia vs DID

Thursday is the day I visit my psychologist. I cannot say enough how lucky I am to have found someone who can help me and my alters. There are alot of therapists and psychologists who dont know how to deal with DID. Some just dont believe it exists. There alot of misdiagnosis - usually saying DID is skitzophrenia.

Let me try and explain the differences between skitzophrenia and dissociative Identity disorder:

DID is a way with coping with trauma, usually sexual abuse. A young mind breaks off apart of themselves to deal with the memories, the on going trauma, the emotions etc. This is basicly how alters created, they deal with what our minds couldnt cope with at the time. However each alter is a part of the host.

skitzophrenia is a mental illness, its a chemical imbalance in the brain. Skitzophrenia actually destories brain tissue. There are a number of symtoms one of the most common is hearing voices. This is where the misdiagnosis comes in. However the voices a person with Skitzophrenia hear are not parts of themselves. ANd usually they believe these voices are coming from outside influences.

I saw alot of psychologists and councellors before Margaret (my current psychologist) but while I went to them to help me with what I had been through I did not tell them about the DID. It took me over a year with Margaret to trust her enough to tell her about my alts.

I was terrified that if a doctor or councellor found out they would have me locked up in a hospital - have me committed. I have a large fear of hospitals - not quite phobia I have managed to enter them without having full blown panic attacks at the door - but they are a place I try to avoid - at all costs.

Luckly Margaret reckonised it for what it was, and has been able to help me with it alot - despite how good I am at avoiding. I have a habit of steering the conversation away from anything to painful. Funnily enough I cant actually say what happened to me without trouble if I trust a person. But when I do I tell it like its a story I dont connect with it within myself. I just say the words. I never let myslef feel the pain.

Part of therapy is to visit that pain in small doses to learn how to handle it. I am just starting to get to this stage in my therapy - first I had to establish trust and make sure I was in a stable place. Which I am for the most part - uni assessments dont help. Another part of therapy was learning how to deal with results of trauma - the symtoms of PTSD. the panic attacks, the fear, the nightmares.

I can handle panic attacks now - it took a long time but now I can focus concentrate on my breathing and calm myself just enough before I am hit with a panic attack. I still panic and it is still hard when I am triggered but I dont go into a full blown panic attack.

Nightmares are harder, but in some ways I am doing better with this than 2 years ago. For a long time a good nights sleep was 4 hours max, nightmares where a constant thing every night. Now I can get a full nights sleep, and sometimes go 3 or 4 nights without a nightmare. However it comes and goes in waves. there are times when I will only get a 1 or 2 nightmares a week and they are fairly easy to manage. Then there are times when the nightmares come back every night worse than ever, alters and myself are triggered really badly and our body remembers. But with time and work with Margaret I hope the bad nights are further and further apart.

Fear - it is still very much apart of my life, not just fear of being hurt again, but fear of rejection from people. Fear of large groups of people or loud noises. Fear of how people will react if I switch and an alter comes out. Fear of never being loved.

This is probably the biggest thing I am focusing on at the moment - trying to get past my fears.

Triggers

Sorry its been a while since the last post; we have been really triggered lately. For those of you who dont understand what triggered is, its when something in everyday life that makes you remember the abuse. It causes anxiety and sometimes panic attacks. We havent had panic attacks in a while - mostly because we recognise when theya re about to come and use strategies to calm down enough that they dont happen.

However when we get triggered I lose alot of time to the alts; we feel anxious and dont get much sleep. We have recently been readign about grounding - something that is supposed to help people with DID handle anxiety. This is something we plan to discuss with our psychologist on Thursday. In the mean time we are trying a few things.

A few of my alts have also been wanting to try a new type of art (the style isnt new, but they havent done it before) - mosaics. So today we are going to cut up lots of coloured paper and use glue to make pictures and patterns. I am hoping this will help the little ones feel better - or maybe express how they feel.

Expression of emotion is important and art is often used in therapy for this - particularly with children - or child alts.

Sorry for the shortness of this post but I just wanted to give you an update.