A bit of this and a bit of that....

Today we are seeing Margaret (the psychologist). This is not really a big deal as it used to be - I used to feel a sense of dread. Margaret is a fantastic support, pushing me just a little out of my comfort zone to try and experience the emotions or try and face a memory, however when I back away she lets me. It is a slow process however she makes most of us feel safe, secure and in control. The sense of dread came from wondering what I would face and knowing that I really didn't want to look at that dark side of my memories.

However since having the Chronic Fatigue (CF) she no longer pushes us, we just don't have the energy to cope with that kind of thing. So for that reason, we have cut back our sessions to once a fortnight and mostly she helps me deal with day to day issues - helps me cope with the sense of helplessness that comes with CF, helps me brain storm ideas to deal with issues that come up; like how to stop the littles from buying things that we really cant afford.

The last few sessions we have been discussing my loneliness, how to make new friends when I don't work & I no longer go to uni classes. At the moment its pretty hard since I rarely go out as it wears me out, and the idea of making new friends just feels too hard while I am this tired. However I have to have faith that I wont always feel like this else I would given in to depression.

Meeting new people always comes with a certain amount of anxiety, since a few of the littles get scared of new people, especially males. Then there is the fear I will switch in front of them - the numerous "what ifs" that come with DID. Then there is just the general anxiety that most introverts feel when it comes to the prospect of meeting new people.

To answer Candycan's question :
Each of my alts introduced themselves with the name that I refer to them as - the only exception is when I refer to my littles by an age - they each share the same name as me & it gets confusing to say inside "Hey Kylie" - you get a lot of responses! As such we refer to them by their age, we did try nicknames for a while but a few of the younger ones didn't like that - they prefer being called their age than a name they don't see as their own.

I always find names and their meanings fascinating - our name is so much apart of our identity despite the fact that we never choose it for ourselves. Even nicknames are usually given to us by friends or family. I am not sure where my alts came up with their names - I asked a couple of them and they didn't recall choosing the name so much as that's just who they were.

Sage summed it up the best when she said;
"You look in the mirror and see 'Kylie', if I look in a mirror (inside) I see 'Sage'. No matter how much I have questioned who I am as part of our system, I have never questioned that I am Sage. It was never a choice, just a fact that that was who I was and who I am."

Writing this has taken me ages of coming back and forth just because I am so tired - but I am glad I am doing it. It gives me such a huge sense of accomplishment which is such a nice feeling, and such a rare one these days. I am sorry if any of my posts ever feel a little disjointed but its hard to keep the flow when I am writing a single post in lots of small sessions.

There is one final thing I want to mention before I finish this. I recently came across a wonderful project by a survivor when I was checking a few blogs I haven't been keeping up with until recently.
Basically a survivor has set up a little art project called the Expressive Arts Carnival. On the first day of each month he posts an art project for the month - he excepts submissions for roughly 3 weeks and then will post all the submissions on his site for that months project. In his words, "The purpose of these activities is not to provide therapy. Instead, the goal is to build a healing community where people can submit what they have done related to a monthly theme." He has past projects up there and it is amazing what people have come up with. I think it is a beautiful idea of bringing together people and allowing them to share the expression of how they feel in art.

Nadia and I have been working on our submission for this month's project (due 23rd November). It has been a really special experience - I have never worked so closely with one of my alts to create something.  When it is complete I will post it up here - in the mean time I wanted to share this project with you and encourage other survivors to enter their own works of art.