Change

I don't know if I have mentioned this before but I play World of Warcraft (WoW) - a very popular MMORPG (Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game). For those of you who are not familiar with the gaming world, WoW is a fantasy game in which there is an entire world in which you are a part of with thousands of other players from around the world. WoW has actually played its own part in my healing process in a number of ways though I am only beginning to realise it. It has been a source of friends, escape, accomplishment and  has helped my own confidence. Some of my alts also play, they have their own characters and it has often been a source of distraction for them.

In a couple of weeks a new expansion for WoW is coming out - but unlike past expansions this one is is changing a lot of the original world, bringing new quests, changing the zones and each of the classes have now had a complete make over in preparation to the upcoming expansion. The change to WoW is exciting but I have found that I have been a little anxious about it.

I have been thinking about a change and why it scares me, not just in WoW, that is just a small thing, but fear of change throughout my life. While I haven't come up with any definite answers I do have a few ideas. I think the thing I have realised the most is that I fear the unknown rather than the change itself. 

Familiarity and routine provide a sense of security, knowing what to expect allows me to feel a sense of control. Change brings the unknown, the unexpected and that makes it harder to feel safe. I have spent my whole life planning, making sure that no matter what the situation that I have a plan and that I know what I am going to do. A lot of people have called me organised and think it is a good thing - and in its own way it is. However its also a sign of my own anxiety, obsessiveness and need for control. When I think back on times when my plans have fallen apart I realise that I have fallen apart with them - feeling lost and afraid. The biggest example was realising that I no longer wanted to be a primary teacher.

When I was in primary school, year 2 (I was 7 or 8 years old at the time) I decided I was going to be a primary teacher. Even at that age I looked out for kids younger than myself, I would go out of my way to help them out - that never changed. At the time adults would smile when I told them what I was going to do and I heard a number of people say that I would change my mind a dozen times before I finished school. As I grew older I did consider other professions but never seriously - I was going to be a primary teacher and that was it.

When I finished high school I took a year off and worked as a live-in Nanny for 4 beautiful children, I loved them dearly and still think of them often. The following year I went to TAFE and completed my Certificate 3 in children Services which allowed me to work in child care centers, it also allowed me to qualify to enter my chosen university (I had broken down in my final year of high school and it had seriously hurt my grades). In my first year of uni (2007) we did a prac in which we spent 2 weeks in a primary school observing and helping out a teacher. I learnt so much and I truly loved working with the children but I also realised that I could never make teaching my life, I hated the politics involved.

I had been studying a double degree in primary teaching and psychology - the plan being that I would be a teacher and maybe later in life be a school counselor so that I could really help young children who really needed it. When I completed that prac and realised I didn't want to be a primary teacher I was at a complete loss as to what I wanted to do, I started to get really depressed and break down. I had already been overwhelmed with uni and while I hadn't been diagnosed with DID yet I was switching a lot.

I continued to study the same degree, focusing on the psychology - I didn't want to make such a big choice as switching degrees while I was in such a bad place mentally - even then I was holding on to my plan even though I knew it wasn't what I wanted to do anymore. It was a hard time and it was made harder when my fiancee broke up with me. I was walking around in a daze - I felt like an empty shell who was going through the motions of living a real life. I started to pull away from friends and while I still went out, went to church and to BCS (the on campus Christian group) I wasn't letting anyone in.

Beginning of 2008 a guy broke into my house while I was home, resulting in me falling pregnant. In some ways falling pregnant saved me - despite the circumstances. I had been so close to committing suicide following that night - I probably would have if I didn't have friends at my house around the clock watching me closely. When I found out I was pregnant I was scared, emotional and didn't know what I was going to do - but I knew I couldn't have an abortion and I knew myself that I didn't think I would be able to give it up either. I pulled myself together for the baby growing inside of me and  stayed strong. I found out I was carrying twins and even started to become excited. I was still a mess but I locked that away to deal with later, staying strong and being healthy was my focus.

When I miscarried I broke. Everything I had been locking away hit me hard. What a lot of people didn't realise was that it was more than just dealing with the break in and miscarriage. It was all of it - losing my fiancee, having no plans or idea of what I wanted to do with my life - my whole idea of what I wanted to be was lost right there - I had always wanted to be married with kids and a teacher - and I lost all of that in a matter of months - or at least that's how it felt at the time. I stopped living, I rarely left the house, I stopped going to church, BCS, I stopped seeing friends, I deferred university. I simply seemed to stop functioning. I would lose days at a time to my alts and I didn't care. To be honest I don't remember a lot of 2008 - I was in a bad place for most of it - though I guess it was a turning point for me in someways.

In 2009 I went back to uni, part time and distance, I switched simply to a degree in straight psychology - not because I was sure that's what I wanted but it was easier since I had already started it with the double degree. I am still not sure that's what I want but I stick with it since I don't have any other plans. Anyway, I slowly started pulling myself out of the dark place I had been - it has been a slow ascend since then. I felt I was starting to get back on track though I didn't know what that track was. Falling sick this year as made me feel that its all been put on hold again and it has been hard for me to fight not falling back into that despair.

This journey has been hard and painful - everything I have written barely touches on how I felt and what I went through - it also doesn't show how far I have come in healing. It helps to see how far I have come - because I am yet to see the light at the end of the tunnel, I still have so far to go - but seeing how far I have come gives me hope, courage and strength to continue.