When discussing healing I have often heard the saying 'one step forward, three steps back'. It is something I have said myself, there are times when things are so confusing that you feel you have been spun in so many directions that you don't know which way you face. There are plenty of times when the set backs are so easy to see, but it is rare to see the progress until you look back and realise how far you have come.
How do we measure progress? what is considered a step forward? what is considered a step back? There are definitely times when it is obvious, such as being able to handle a situation that I couldn't before. However, this week I have realised there are plenty of things that can be considered either - it is just a matter of the way you look at it.
About a week ago, I found out about a new part, Laila. I still don't know much about her - she seems to be an adult. However the way she speaks reminds me a little of Elsie or Sasha so I wonder if she is another non-human alt. I do know she is nocturnal, this is something she has told Stacy - and so far she has only come out at night.
When I first found out about Laila, I was disappointed. I felt that I had been making progress lately and felt that a new part was obviously a set back. I definitely thought along the lines of 'one step forward, three steps back'. Later, days later, I started to really think about it differently. In the past many of my parts have been around a long time before they have become known to the system and I believe this is the same with Laila. A new part doesn't mean I have 'split' again, it is just a part as surfaced that I didn't know about before. This could be because she has a skill we need, because she carries memories we are ready to face or simply I am in a place where I can accept something new.
Laila appearing now can be taken as a sign of our progress - of my own acceptance of our system. It is all a matter of perspective - the way I choose to look at it. I still don't know why Laila is a part, or why she has come forward now however I am choosing not to see it as a set back.
My last session with Margaret (my psychologist) was a hard one, it left me shaken and I really struggled with the things we discussed. Ever since I have seen Margaret we spent very little time discussing the past, my childhood or any of the abuse. Not that Margaret hasn't tried to get me to talk about it, but I am a master at avoidance and changing the subject and Margaret will only push me so hard - I need to be ready. My last session was different, we discussed my last visit to my grandparent's house (after Nana had died, but Papa was still alive). I talked about how it felt, the fear and the need to get out. We discussed other things but I will go into that another post. I have mentioned in other posts that I can actually talk about the abuse to some degree however it is like telling a story - I am detached from the memories and don't feel any emotions about it. This was different - I talked about my memories, my feelings - I didn't just tell a story.
Being a hard session could be taken as a bad thing, a set back but the truth is I managed to start to face the emotions, to talk just a little about the past. That is a huge step and Margaret made sure I knew that before we ended our session. The 7yo didnt flip out at me talking either - which is a big thing for her (she is the keeper of secrets).
This weekend has been a wonderful weekend, I was simply happy. There was nothing particularly special about this weekend, I did have lunch with a great friend who I haven't seen in ages, I went to church, I cuddled my friend's new born. These are all simple things but they brought me so much happiness. I came home from church on Sunday night and I was happy. I am happy. content and just simply in a good mood.
I could look at my great mood and say that it is of little consequence, I just had a good weekend. However when I think back to 2008, I was so depressed, I didn't think I would ever be happy again. Even just reading my blog at the end of last year, I felt that I wasn't living life. The fact that I am happy is such a great thing and is evidence of the progress I have made. It is also a reminder of the great things and people I have in my life.
I don't believe I have suddenly turned a new page and I am going to be always happy and making huge bounds forward in healing. Life doesn't work like that. There will set-backs. There will be bad days. However I can see I have made progress and that I am making progress. More importantly, when difficult things cross my path I can choose the way I look at them. I hope this reminds me to look at things more positively, to recognise even the baby steps forward.
Showing posts with label goals. Show all posts
Showing posts with label goals. Show all posts
Monday, February 7, 2011
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Not the way I hoped to start 2011
New Years Resolutions are not about instant change. They are goals to achieve within the year, to create new habits and bring positive changes to your own life. New Years is a time to re-assess goals you are still working on, to reflect on the past year and consider what you want to continue and what needs to change.
As a new year starts many people have the expectation that this year will be different, this is the year that everything is going to be different. When something bad happens, usually a situation out of their control, they are disappointed and give up on their resolutions, and their belief that the year will be different. Change requires time, commitment and persistance as well as faith that it can happen.
As 2010 ended I really spent a lot of time reflecting and considering what I want to change. I sat down and wrote specific goals for 2011 and wrote notes on how I plan to achieve these things. One of my big goals is to be more positive - about myself and life in general. I have felt that I havent been living life (see here) and I truly believe that I can change this, but I also recognise that it will take work. In this way I believed that 2011 would be different, that this was going to be a great year.
Our New Years celebrations have been the same for so long that its almost tradition - a nice evening with my parents and Judith & Ann (sisters who are old friends that watched me grow up). Each year we spend here at the beach house, we have afternoon naps, then a buffet of food that we never finish - a lot fresh seafood, bread and cheeses. We watch the 9pm fireworks accross the bay and then watch the midnight fireworks on TV - the large display over the harbour bridge. There is a lot of champagne that I rarely touch, and just good company and food.
This year it was the same as always, after watching the midnight fireworks display on TV we wished eachother Happy New Year, hugged and kissed and went to bed. Around 3am I was awoken by the sounds of the ambulance taking Ann away. At 4:30am my Mum told me that Ann had died of a heart attack and she was going to the hospital to pick Judith up. Everyone was in so much shock. Ann was 68 years old, hadnt been to a doctor in 12 years because she had seemed perfectly healthy. She did not have any chest pains, or any other of the early warning signs.
On the whole everyone is trying to be as positive as possible - Ann lived a full life, had done all of the things she had wanted, her last evening was filled with happiness, eating food she enjoyed and surrounded by people she loved and who loved her. She did not suffer.
I have been so shocked, and I have been so tired, aching and had pain in my joints and lower back (from the base of my shoulder blades down). My guess is with the emotional stress of everything the Chronic Fatigue has flaired up. Feeling so down and having the year start like this made me doubt that I could make those changes, made me want to just give up on my resolutions before I had even started to work on them. However I realised that if I did that it would be my choice - not the situation, but my choice to let the situation influence my resolution.
As a new year starts many people have the expectation that this year will be different, this is the year that everything is going to be different. When something bad happens, usually a situation out of their control, they are disappointed and give up on their resolutions, and their belief that the year will be different. Change requires time, commitment and persistance as well as faith that it can happen.
As 2010 ended I really spent a lot of time reflecting and considering what I want to change. I sat down and wrote specific goals for 2011 and wrote notes on how I plan to achieve these things. One of my big goals is to be more positive - about myself and life in general. I have felt that I havent been living life (see here) and I truly believe that I can change this, but I also recognise that it will take work. In this way I believed that 2011 would be different, that this was going to be a great year.
Our New Years celebrations have been the same for so long that its almost tradition - a nice evening with my parents and Judith & Ann (sisters who are old friends that watched me grow up). Each year we spend here at the beach house, we have afternoon naps, then a buffet of food that we never finish - a lot fresh seafood, bread and cheeses. We watch the 9pm fireworks accross the bay and then watch the midnight fireworks on TV - the large display over the harbour bridge. There is a lot of champagne that I rarely touch, and just good company and food.
This year it was the same as always, after watching the midnight fireworks display on TV we wished eachother Happy New Year, hugged and kissed and went to bed. Around 3am I was awoken by the sounds of the ambulance taking Ann away. At 4:30am my Mum told me that Ann had died of a heart attack and she was going to the hospital to pick Judith up. Everyone was in so much shock. Ann was 68 years old, hadnt been to a doctor in 12 years because she had seemed perfectly healthy. She did not have any chest pains, or any other of the early warning signs.
On the whole everyone is trying to be as positive as possible - Ann lived a full life, had done all of the things she had wanted, her last evening was filled with happiness, eating food she enjoyed and surrounded by people she loved and who loved her. She did not suffer.
I have been so shocked, and I have been so tired, aching and had pain in my joints and lower back (from the base of my shoulder blades down). My guess is with the emotional stress of everything the Chronic Fatigue has flaired up. Feeling so down and having the year start like this made me doubt that I could make those changes, made me want to just give up on my resolutions before I had even started to work on them. However I realised that if I did that it would be my choice - not the situation, but my choice to let the situation influence my resolution.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Reflection on 2010
Each day I recieve an email from The Daily Love - its a few quotes, usually to a theme and an inspirational message from the founder, Mastin Kipp. I have always enjoyed quotes, small snipets of wisdom from others. I find the email a nice positive thing to recieve each day. On the 28th December the message from Mastin Kipp included questions to help with reflecting on the year past and creating resolutions for the new year. I know alot of people dont take new years resolutions very seriously but I think it is important to have goals and new years is a good time to re-assess goals, make adjustments and new goals.
Anyway, here is what Mastin had to say:
Healing
Before I went away Margaret asked me to think about what things I want to be working on with her (short term goals). In the past we have been working on anxiety and for the most part I feel I manage that alot better than I ever used too. I still have my long term goal of co-conciousness but I am not sure what I want to be focusing on as a short term goal. I think I need to work on being more positive and comparing myself to others less and be more focused on my own path. I also want to be sure that I write regularly both in my blog and in my journal - these things I struggle to do at times but I feel good when I do them.
God
I want to be more displined in my prayer time. When I take the time to sit down and really talk to God I feel great for it and I feel closer to Him, but I struggle in being displined in this. I do pray to God every day but they are 2 minute prayers when things come up or when I think of something, I dont sit down with time set aside simply for prayer.
I want to be more social
I want to make some new friends, and start re-aquienting my self with my old friends. I want to make sure that I get out of the house more. I am thinking of joining a choir to make some new friends and I want to start attending church more. I might take some art classes, or yoga/Tai Chi classes that can help with the Chronic Fatigue too.
Uni
I have signed up for 1 class for the first semester, which isnt much but it will be for me with everything else.I am a little nervous about it but I dont want to put uni off any further. However I am trying not to set my expectations too high and if it is too much I am ok with dropping out for a while longer (well I will keep telling myself that in hopes that I might start believing it)
I want to be more active in trying to heal from Chronic Fatigue.
To do this I want to see a naturopath and try and get help in chosing some dietary suppliments. I want to try and start a yoga or Tai Chi class - I need to start doing some gentle exercise and I really want some guidance to make sure I know which stretches to do & which to avoid until I am stronger. I want to set up a sleeping routine and stick to it.
My mum gave me a book at Christmas 'Living Well with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Fibromyalgia" by Mary J. Shomon. Among other things, it outlines various treatments for Chronic Fatigue, and gives tips on creating a "recovery plan". I havent read all of it but I have been trying to, and I have been able to read more with the treatment Steve has given. One thing Mary Shomon wrote has really stuck with me:
What I have written here is more a general overview of things I want to work on, there seems alot there and that worries me but I am not sure how to reduce these things any further, they are all important things to be overall well being. For New Years I am going to sit down and write more specific goals. I think I would be less likely to achieve my resolutions/goals if they are fague.
Anyway, here is what Mastin had to say:
While I was attending Tony Robbins seminar, Date With Destiny, he asked us three questions to consider as we move into a new year and a new decade.I think these questions are really worthwhile and while I have an idea of what I want to work on in the new year its rather muddled and I think goals are more achieveable if they are concrete. These questions though dont seem so much about setting goals but making changes in a person's life, trying to learn from mistakes and grow. I think this questions are a great tool to help with reflection. So here we go...
They are wonderful questions that I have been asking myself and I want to pass them on to you to consider for yourself.
The questions are:
1. What are you MOST happy with about 2010? What good things happened? What are you proud of most and why?
2. What sucked about last year and why? What mistakes did you make? What would you do differently? What would you never want to do again? (This isn't to beat yourself up, it's to get an honest assessment of the last year).
3. What new rituals are you wiling to commit to in 2011 to get the results you want? What new habits will you form to take your life to the next level?
Be honest with yourself. Celebrate your successes in 2010, be truthful about the failures and then COMMIT to new habits and rituals in 2011 that will take your life to the next level.
Your time is now! Make your move!
1. What are you MOST happy with about 2010? What good things happened? What are you proud of most and why?
I am proud of starting this blog and my new journal - even if I took a break from writing here for a while I still think it has been a wonderful tool of sharing and healing.
Last Christmas Eve (2009) I moved into my own home and have been living by myself for the first time ever. I think it has helped me become more confident in my own ability to stand on my own two feet. I feel I have grown stronger this year in myself. I think I have started to be a little more positive in my outlook on life but it still needs work. I think my self esteem is also starting to improve and while I think I have a long way to go I am proud of how much I have grown in myself this year. Still, I am proud of the growth I have achieved.
Getting back to my art and using it as a tool in healing. It was really hard to get back to art as much as I love it because it really did hurt. I think this is a huge step for me and one I am very proud of.
My relationship with my little ones has grown stronger, I trust them more and we are working together as a system more than ever before. This is a huge achievement and something I need to congradulate all of us for more.
2. What sucked about last year and why? What mistakes did you make? What would you do differently? What would you never want to do again? (This isn't to beat yourself up, it's to get an honest assessment of the last year).
Chronic Fatigue & Attitude
Though out of my control, the Chronic Fatigue this year has definitely sucked. I think one of the mistakes I have made in regards to this is for a long time I gave in to it. What i mean by this is that until recently I have felt like I was never going to get better and I was thinking "if I get over this..." rather than "when I get over this..."
Friendship
Not only this year but the last few years I have been isolating myself and while I was starting to pull myself out of it, the Chronic Fatigue made it alot harder. I think back in 2008 when I first started retreating (following the break in) I really did manage to isolate myself and I think I have lost alot of friends for it. Towards the end of this year I have found myself feeling very much alone. I believe this is my own doing and I think it is a huge mistake I have made. Though I understand why it happened and that I shouldnt beat myself up over it, I think this is something I really need to work on.
Withdrawing from Uni
While this was necessary this year because of the Chronic Fatigue it has definitely been something I see as a negative thing of the year. I have been at Uni now on and off for 4 years - in that time I have successfully completed 4 subjects towards my degree. In otherwords I have taken 8 semesters to complete 1 full-time semester. To me that is unexceptable, I feel I must be not trying hard enough, working hard enough, nthat I must be finding excuses. My mum is disappointed, I know and she does try to be understanding but the comments she makes about it (usually in jest) cut deep - mostly because I agree with her. I know all the "excuses" have been valid reasons, but I find myself getting very frustrated over it all. I should be finished my degree by now and starting an internship - or at least be starting the bridging year. I know other survivors through blogs and forums who manage having families, full time (or at least part time) jobs, who have completed degrees or are currently studying full time. Or doing a mix of these things. Why cant I manage even a little of this?? I feel the same way when it comes to driving - I cannot believe I am 24 years old and still dont know how to drive nor do I have a license.
3. What new rituals are you willing to commit to in 2011 to get the results you want? What new habits will you form to take your life to the next level?
Healing
Before I went away Margaret asked me to think about what things I want to be working on with her (short term goals). In the past we have been working on anxiety and for the most part I feel I manage that alot better than I ever used too. I still have my long term goal of co-conciousness but I am not sure what I want to be focusing on as a short term goal. I think I need to work on being more positive and comparing myself to others less and be more focused on my own path. I also want to be sure that I write regularly both in my blog and in my journal - these things I struggle to do at times but I feel good when I do them.
God
I want to be more displined in my prayer time. When I take the time to sit down and really talk to God I feel great for it and I feel closer to Him, but I struggle in being displined in this. I do pray to God every day but they are 2 minute prayers when things come up or when I think of something, I dont sit down with time set aside simply for prayer.
I want to be more social
I want to make some new friends, and start re-aquienting my self with my old friends. I want to make sure that I get out of the house more. I am thinking of joining a choir to make some new friends and I want to start attending church more. I might take some art classes, or yoga/Tai Chi classes that can help with the Chronic Fatigue too.
Uni
I have signed up for 1 class for the first semester, which isnt much but it will be for me with everything else.I am a little nervous about it but I dont want to put uni off any further. However I am trying not to set my expectations too high and if it is too much I am ok with dropping out for a while longer (well I will keep telling myself that in hopes that I might start believing it)
I want to be more active in trying to heal from Chronic Fatigue.
To do this I want to see a naturopath and try and get help in chosing some dietary suppliments. I want to try and start a yoga or Tai Chi class - I need to start doing some gentle exercise and I really want some guidance to make sure I know which stretches to do & which to avoid until I am stronger. I want to set up a sleeping routine and stick to it.
My mum gave me a book at Christmas 'Living Well with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Fibromyalgia" by Mary J. Shomon. Among other things, it outlines various treatments for Chronic Fatigue, and gives tips on creating a "recovery plan". I havent read all of it but I have been trying to, and I have been able to read more with the treatment Steve has given. One thing Mary Shomon wrote has really stuck with me:
"Keep in mind that putting together a recovery plan is a bit like dividing up a pie, with each slice representing a different technique or approach you can take. In deciding how big each piece will be, you're choosing what amount of time, energy, money and resources you will devote to that particular technique." (pg. 261)I like this analogy and it make me realise that the more things you try and work on the thinner you have to spread yourself. I think its true with goals and life too - I need to take this idea into consideration when I think about healing from Chronic Faitgue, working on my healing Journey with DID, studying at uni etc.
What I have written here is more a general overview of things I want to work on, there seems alot there and that worries me but I am not sure how to reduce these things any further, they are all important things to be overall well being. For New Years I am going to sit down and write more specific goals. I think I would be less likely to achieve my resolutions/goals if they are fague.
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