Running away from a Good Thing

The most exciting news I have since my huge break is that at the beginning of the year Elmo proposed! We are planning a small garden wedding for March 2013. I feel very lucky to have found someone who is so loving and supportive and who respects my needs even when they can be a little difficult. He also amazingly great with my littles but I plan to post about that in a later post.

A drawing I made representing how safe I feel with Elmo

The hard thing for me at the moment is that despite all this, I am having to fight a part of me that is telling me to break it off and run away. I understand that this just my subconscious just trying to protect me from being hurt and have been talking to Margaret about it too. According to her, everyone has pre-wedding jitters and when you couple that with my abusive childhood, a father who left me and hasn't contacted me since age 6 and the lack of good examples when it comes to marriage; its no wonder I am fearful of commitment.

The thing is, knowing all this doesn't make the feeling go away - I still want to run away. I'm really worried that I'm going to screw up and ruin this great thing. Its frustrating because I want this to be a fun exciting time and I cant seem to escape my past. I'm angry that long after his death my grandfather is still screwing up my life.

I have talked this all through with Elmo and as usual, he is completely understanding and loving, though I know it hurts him that part of me wants to run away. One of the things I have been doing is writing a list of all the things I love about Elmo and reading through it when I get scared or want to run away.