Friday, April 23, 2010

I feel so alone

I feel so alone.

Kyle, the guy in the UK that I mentioned a few posts back, he told me he had a dream about me in which he saw me trip over. I think its a good metphor for how I have been feeling lately.

He has been on my mind alot lately. I have been wondering if its the right thing. I am beginning to think we would be better off as friends. I dont know. I do like him but I dont know. I know cares alot but I also keep getting hurt by him, not in a major way just little bits - but enough that its really hard to stay open to him. Like today when he said he trusts me but not completely. That hurt. And how is any relationship supposed to work if there isnt trust? I can understand why he struggles with trust, just like I do but it doesnt stop it hurting. Particularly when I try so hard to trust him completely. I have always believed that in a relationship that you trust eachother even more than you trust your friends and yet he has openly admitted that there are others he trusts more. Though considering we have only ever met online thats a fair call. But there is a part of me that cannot be consoled by these explanations.

I have also realised that I have feelings for someone else, though I know that is not going to happen or go anywhere. I thought I was over him but I am obviously not and I worry its not fair on Kyle. I want to be over this guy but I dont know how to be. The feelings I have for him are not as strong as they were and like I said its not going to go anywhere - he sees me as a friend and that it - thats all he will ever see me as.

I feel guilty now, I promised that I would be honest here and write what is on my mind - just like I would a dairy. But I also know that Kyle reads this and I feel guilty that he is going learn this stuff this way. But I know that if I avoid writing stuff now then I wull always and then there isnt any point to this blog. So Kyle if you read this I am sorry - I do care for you I just am full of questions and doubt right now.

Kyle is hardly the only thing causing me to feel like I am overwhelmed, in fact mostly he is a nice part of my routine (as in getting up early to talk to him - time differences can be such a pain). The reason I am going off about this now is two reasons
1. We just had the conversation about trust just before I started writing this.
2. Its easier to write about than some of the other stuff.

I am really good at avoiding anything that is tough, even with my psychologist (Margaret) which I know is not productive, but its almost unconcious - I reckognise myself doing it but I cant stop it. I guess its a form of protecting myself. I have spent years building walls to stop me feeling what I went through - from knowing about it. To have someone push me to now face those things is terrifying on the deepest level.

I dont know what you guys know or have experienced with councelling but even when the psychologist or councellor know what the problem is its not always best to get straight to the point - often that does more harm than good. I have been seeing Margaret for 3 years and up until now we have barely touched on what happened - just acknowledged it really. But that doesnt mean the past 3 years have been wasted or unproductive - the oppsite is true.

What Margaret and I have been working on have been a few things

1. Trust - I cannot start to open up about stuff that is painful and scary if I dont trust her. My alts need to trust her to because they carry memories even more than I do and they need to work through them too.

2. Not all Secrets should be kept - this is related to the trust issue. But for a long time I was told that the abuse was a secret and I had to keep it. This is where the 7yo comes in - she makes sure that not too much is shared and will often come out if I try to share too much. The 7yo is the keeper of secrets and she is very good at it. She has agreed to let us talk to Margaret about later events (there have been a couple of times when I was "taken advantage of" "attacked" etc - I dont know how to say it without saying the r word.) These are things that happened on a one off basis and were later in life. She still doesnt trust Margaret (or anyone) enough to go into what happened when I was growing up. And so in the next couple of weeks Margaret wants to start talking about those events. More about that later.

3. Making sure I am in a stable place - It would be dangerous to try and work through things that are going to be upsetting and difficult when my everyday life is not going well or full of stress - that would be a great way to lose it or break down. So over the last 3 years Margaret has helped me with the day to day stuff so that I would be in a better place to work on the harder stuff. This included stopping me cutting, stopping the 8yo cutting - which was going well till recent events - it also meant helping me come to terms with the fact that I have DID. When I first found out I was terrified, I wanted to push them away or pretend they didnt exist. I wanted to make them go away. Now days I am mostly greatful for them, and I love them though I struggle to see them as part of myself which Margaret keeps pushing.

4. Dealing with the symtoms of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and depression; the other things I have been diagonsed with. PTSD sysmtoms include: panic attacks (which I have mostly under control), nightmares (which while better than they were are still there and bad), dealing with groups of people (I am hopeless at) etc. There are alot of other symtoms and different people have different symtoms. These arent all the ones I have had but they are probably the main ones I have been working on with Maragret. Depression - when I fist saw Margaret I was depressed and was so for a long time. Now I dont think I am depressed - I have bad times and I get overwhelmed and want give up but I have enough happy days in between to know that its not a real depression. I can smile when Charlie (my dog) does something silly. This lets me know I am not depressed though I do go through bouts where I feel down enough to be depressed but they dont last long enough anymore to fit that daignoses.

So thats mainly what I have been working on with Margaret and will continue to do so even when we do start to actually talk about the abuse and later events.

As I mentioned earlier Margaret wants to start to talk more and get into the stuff about the later events. I think she wants to get into the earlier abuse too but the 7yo wont let her yet and she is hoping that by seeing the process with the later stuff the 7yo will be more open to let us discuss the earlier abuse.

I think this is part of the reason things have been so out of control lately - I think we scared about it. I think that is part of the reason the 8yo is playing up etc. I also think being sick and tired has alot to do with it too. I hope I get some answers soon. I had to move my appointment from the 27th to the 29th as something came up that I couldnt change. Its frustrating because I want to get answers now. I want to feel better.

I wish I had someone who could be here with me, who understood me and could wrap their arms around me and tell me it will be ok. Who will be there for me and help me get through everything. I am so tired, I wish I had someone to lean on right now. and now I am back to where I started.

I feel so alone.


Sunshine and Shadows said...

Hey there,

I also have PTSD. One scripture that really helped me when my nightmares were bad is:
Proverbs 3:24-26 When thou liest down, thou shalt not be afraid: yea, thou shalt lie down, and thy sleep shall be sweet.
25 Be not afraid of sudden fear, neither of the desolation of the wicked, when it cometh.
26 For the Lord shall be thy confidence, and shall keep thy foot from being taken.

I also struggle with the hard stuff. Take your time and trust the process. Often the time it takes to process is what leads to greater healing.

Take Care, Sunshine

Sunshine and Shadows said...

I tried to post this next comment to your other blog, but it won't let me post anything, so I'll post it here.

I also love: Matthew 11:29,30
Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light

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