Monday, July 25, 2011

Expressive Arts Carnival: Group Word Cloud

This months expressive arts activity I found very different but interesting. The activity is divided into two parts:

Part 1: Think of someone you look up to, real or imaginary, who has taught you something you can use (or do use) in your healing. Describe either the characteristics of the person, what they told you, or how you have been helped. Use expressive writing by telling a story, writing a poem, or anything that makes sense to you. If you have a blog, you can feel free to publish this writing on your blog. But you will not submit this writing as your entry.

Part 2: For your entry, select three words from your writing that have particular meaning to you and also one color (or HEX color code) that you would like to associate with these words.

For the first part I wrote a poem which I would like to share with you, I'm not very happy with it structurally but I think it gets across what I was thinking.

The most frightening thing is to be alone
To look around and simply see emptiness
Knowing you are out there,
that you can understand
the emotions pouring out of me
To know I am not the first to walk this path
Though I wish to be the last
These are things that bring comfort

Everyone finds their own path
But paths cross and a helping hand is given
Each bring their own wisdom,
Advice and knowledge
of how to climb this huge mountain

Who better to understand,
Than those who have been there?
Who better to guide this journey,
Than those who have walked it themselves?

When I first sat down to this activity I spent a lot of time thinking who has helped me, there has been Margaret (my psychologist), numerous books (both on the subject and just in my general reading), Carl Jung (a famous Swiss psychiatrist). However for me, where I have learnt the most which has helped me on my healing journey is other survivors. Through their blogs, through forums and people I have met. They share their story and their techniques and for me that has been the largest help. That is what my poem is about.

This project really made me consider all those who have helped me and continue to do so, all the people I am so grateful for. I think it can be really easy to get stuck into how hard things are and focus on the hurt, and this can mean you overlook the people around you and you forget to show your gratitude.

For part two I had a hard time choosing the words to share, but these are the ones that stood out to me:

Alone    Understand    Wisdom

Monday, July 18, 2011

Glimpses of Co-Consciousness

A chalk pastel picture one of the littles did

Until recently, whenever one of my parts came out, or was in control, I would go into my 'room' within the house in our head. During that time I would not be conscious, of either what was happening inside or in the real world. However this is slowly beginning to change, I am starting to be aware of what is happening outside (in the real world) while I am switched. It has only happened a few times and I was only able to perceive  bits of what happened during that time. I still do have bad times when I hide away completely and littles take over, like last night - I lost about 5 hours to the 6 & 7 year olds.  However that is happening less and these glimpses of co-consciousness give me a lot of hope.

When I compare this to when I first found out about my parts it amazes me how far I have come. Back then, I was unable to communicate with them, there were no rules in place and they were able to do pretty much whatever they wanted. I had no idea what happened during those times and would usually be gone for hours, sometimes even days at a time.

Healing is such a difficult and scary process, and its hard to see how any of it helps. I honestly am still not sure how it does help but obviously something is helping if we are making this progress. What I really want to say to anyone out there who is working at healing: keep at it, it is definitely worth it. That isn't saying I feel that this means I am healed, or even close, I am still working through some very difficult memories and there still is stuff I haven't remembered yet. I also don't feel that just because I have come as far as I have that I am suddenly an authority on healing. I just hope that my experiences help other people feel less alone.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Too Tired To Let It Out

Lately I have been very slack with my blog and even more so with my journaling, even my art has suffered. A big reason for this is the Chronic Fatigue, dealing with emotions is tiring and when you are already exhausted there is just no energy to work on more. The problem with this is: healing cannot just be put on hold. It doesn't just stop because we are tired, or sick or because we have plans this weekend. Once healing begins, the book is open and no lock is strong enough to hold it closed again. At least that is my experience.

This has become my biggest struggle of late, I have reduced my psychology appointments back to once a fortnight, as I have already said, I no longer journal, my blog has suffered and I rarely do art, either recreational or healing. Yet the nightmares continue, there are small daily things I have to avoid because simply being near by can cause me to be seriously triggered.

My parts don't come out as much as they used to and there is a lot more co-existence and even a few moments of co-consciousness. This is one area I can truly see improvement, however I know some of my older parts are worried about the healing being on hold and I worry that I will make steps backwards. That I will begin losing more time again and that tiny things will cause me to lose hours.

I have a couple things that have been helping me cope lately, firstly, the love and support of my boyfriend and friends. Secondly is music and TV shows, things I can lose myself in and help the time pass without tiring myself out. However these things are things that I helping me get through, there doesnt feel to be any steps forward and that is so frustrating.

Last November I wrote this in relation to a Post Secret I saw:

"It summed up how I have been feeling for the past few months so well that I wanted to cry. I have been watching friends graduate from university, getting married, having babies, starting families, traveling - all the while getting out of bed feels like a huge accomplishment! I know I shouldn't compare myself to others - every persons journey is different and life isn't a race. However my life feels so empty and I feel so helpless to change it."

 I no longer feel quite like this, I am no longer simply existing, my life no longer feels empty. However I am feeling frustrated because my life now feels like its on hold, there are things I want to be doing, experiences I want to be sharing but I still cannot do anything because I am simply too tired.

Instead of being caught up in depression because of this, I now feel frustrated and I am just ready to be better. I am angry at the situation and overwhelmed at the fact that its been over 18 months and there still feels like no end to this illness. I don't even understand what is wrong with my body and the doctors cannot tell me!

The picture at the top of this post is a Polyvore set I did in attempt to use art to express how I have been feeling. I recognise that I need to try and post more and try express myself more through art.