Wednesday, March 31, 2010


Its Done - my assignment has been handed in. I thought I would feel relieved or something. I just feel exhausted.

I want to curl up and hide from the world. Forget uni, forget chores, just disappear for a while. I am going to let myself have a break over easter but I cant longer, the house is a mess and I am behind on my actual studies since I put them aside to do the assignment. Not to mention I have a second assessment due the 10th of May which is even bigger than my first so I have to start on that.

I have a new alt too, well sort of. Jazzie has been around for 2 years but only decided to let me know about her last night. She seems friendly enough and when I get to know her a bit I might describe her for you guys and add her to my list. But for now I know she is 19, very confident, happy and just likes to have fun.She has been helping inside for a while too.

Other Random News:
My parents have been on a cruise to Africa (lucky them) and they get back on Easter Saturday so it will be nice to hear from them.

My ex, Ralph, who I am still great friends with tells me he is planning on getting married at the end of the year.He hasnt proposed yet but plans to do so soon and he and his girlfriend have been discussing for a while so he is sue she will say yes. I feel so excited for him. Its weird - I mentioned before about being jealous of my other friends who have started dating and I am but with Ralph I am just so happy for him.

Not much else to mention so I might finish up

Happy Easter

Monday, March 22, 2010


Things havent been going well lately and it has effected my ability to keep this blog up to date. For that I am sorry. In fact it has kept me from keeping up to date with everything - uni, chores, goals etc.

I have been really tired alot for the last couple of months but ts been getting worse, and lately I have been to the point of exhaustion.There have been days where my arms ache so much that I havent done my hair. I am way behind on my laundry because I cant hang it on the line (and I dont own a clothes dryer.)

Anyway I went to the doctor who organised for blood tests (well that caused a huge problem with Natalie, needles are scary) So the results came in on Friday - it seems it wasnt clear, but something might be up with my thyroid and liver. However I have to wait a month before more tests to rule out a virus.

I dont know I can live a month of this. Plus I have an assessment due a week today and I have been working on it lately because I am too tired. I have been losing alot more time too, my alts dont handle being sick very well.

So thats what been happening, I might not post much this week I need to focus on my assignment.

Friday, March 19, 2010

The House in my Head

In my post Bill Henson Assessment I mentioned a "room" system. I will try to explain it here.

When I am "out", as in I am the one interacting with the world the one doing things, talking to people etc. my alts are "inside". To make this more pleasent, provide for everyone's needs and to make organisation easier, my alts changed "inside" into a house - creating rooms, decorating them, etc.  Here is a description of the rooms in our "house"

Our house is divided into 3 sections or levels.

The Main Area

The first or the main section is made up of rooms that almost anyone can go into. I say almost because there are some rooms in which Stacy bans people unless they can behave and follow the rules.

The Common Room
 This is a room where everyone is welcome to just be together, to "hang out" and just chat etc. It has a large TV on one wall which shows what is happening on the "outside" - in other words it shows what I (or who ever is out) can see and hear.

The Front Room
This room was created later when I first started to hear my alts. They can be very noisey and I couldnt control it. I found it scarey and overwhelming. So the front room was created and the rest of the house was "sound proofed". This meant that I could only hear my alts when they were in the front room. There are alot of rules associated with this room, the main one being:
Only one person at a time, except in special circumstances - which require Big K's permission.
These days I can choose to hear what is happening in the main are, if I choose to or if someone is really excited and making alot of noise, but the front room is still used if someone needs to get my attention.

Comfort Room
This is a soft cuddly room filled with pillows, cushions and soft toys. This is where the little ones can go if they want comfort and dont want to be alone in their room.

The Play Room
I guess this is pretty self explanatory - its a room filled with toys and games for the littles to play inside.

The Art Room
This room is for art and a place for the littles to express themselves. The 10yo sometimes organises fun craft activities here for the younger ones when they need to be distracted.

The Outdoor Area
This is a large garden or backyard which is divided into sections.

The Play Ground
Once again pretty self explanatory - This where the play equipment is, the sand pit, swings, slide, climbing etc.

The Grass Area
This is just like it sounds, an area covered in soft grass where the littles can run around and play chase or have a picnic

The Gardens
This area is a large garden with paths wondering all through it. It has ponds, and small waterfalls. I am told that this area is very much based on the Chinese gardens.

The Quiet, Relaxing Area
A place to sit and mediate, pray, or just think. One of the paths in the Garden area lead to this and in a way its part of the Gardens. It has a large Gazebo with comfortable benches that over look a large pond and waterfall.


Our Rooms Area

This where each alt has their own room (we call them bedrooms though not all have beds Im told) - no one but the alt is allowed in that room. We cant hear/see what happens in that room but we can feel them there and know they are safe. This is where my littles go when they want to hide from the world. Its also where my bigs get peace from the littles!! I cant describe what these rooms are like as each of the littles have decorated their own room and filled it their own things.

The Basement

This is where I go when I go inside and one of the little come out. I am not concious of going inside or what happens when I am inside - I only know I go here because the little ones tell me this is where they feel me when I am inside.They also say there are alot of dark things down there that cant see but that feel bad. My guess would be that this is stuff that is still repressed which scares all of a us alittle.

So that is our house as it is today. The 4yo, 6yo, 7yo and Julia created the pictures. Stacy and some of the other littles helped explain to me what each room is for as a Im not really aware of the house yet.

For me I can now hear my alts as I said - though not when they are in their rooms or if I am in mine. I can also "feel" if I am out and focusing. Though they can hide from me so I cant always. When I 'feel' them I get a sense of how they are feeling but also there is a feeling that is unquie to them that doesnt change.

Monday, March 15, 2010


Im feeling really sad at the moment. Nothing has triggered it in particular, There are just times when I want to cry, and right now thats how Im feeling. Its hard for me not being able to just cry and let out and let go. And since I cant cry I want to just suppress the feeling and hide from it. But if I do that it will just get worse and eventually overwhelm me.

One possible reason I could be upset for no reason is the 6yo might be close. she holds alot of our sadness and if something has bothered her - no matter how small - she will be feeling really sad. If it is her she isnt speaking up. And it does seem unlikly - she would usually come out if something had triggered her, or made her sad.

I dont cry often, and I have only been able to shed tears a few time in the last 3 years. Before that I never cried, I would get upset, I would even pretend to cry making the noises etc but I wasn't able to shed tears.

WARNING: The rest of this post may contain things that might be triggering to a survivor. Though there is nothing too detailed

A few Changes

Sorry its been a while since I have posted. Things have been a bit crazy with 2 new alts around, but things should calm down soon!

As I am sure you have noticed there have been a few changes to my blog -  I hope like them! There is still some work to be done but I will get on top of it soon. Please leave your feed back on what you think!

Also check out my 'Meet the Alts' page - it will give an introduction to my alts if you are interested in getting to know them a bit.

This is going to have to be a short post tonight, making the changes took longer than I thought and its way past our bed time!

Monday, March 8, 2010


Today I found out that one of my close guy friends has been dating a girl for 4 months and he forgot to tell me. I told him I was happy for him and I want to be - I really do. But truthfully it made me sad, and jealous.

About 2 weeks ago I found out that my ex fiancee is dating. I dont know why it bother me so much, its been 2 years and I definitly dont want him back. But once again it made me sad and jealous.

I think my problem is that Im watching the people around me getting into relationships, even getting married. And I feel left behind in yet another aspect of life. And this one is really imporatnt to me because I want to be with someone. I want a partner somewhere to give love to as well as recieve it. Who I can trust to be there for me. I am quiet person who perfers quality to quantity when it comes to friends, and with DID in my life I am scared of going out in public in case they come out so I rarely meet people.

So where am I going to meet someone?  Even if I do who is going want to take on all my alts? I think I am having trouble being happy for my friends because I am scared I am going to be alone. And I feel so SELFISH for that.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Littles Art

Art therapy is an important part of the healing process with DID, it allows parts to express and explore how they feel as well as being a calming exercise during hard times.

Since this has been a particualarly hard week, I have encouraged my alts to do some art. The little ones recently saw a documentary on mosaic art and have been fasinated with it especially after the 12yo said "its just like us, lots of little pieces put together to make a beautiful whole picture." So I gave them lots of different coloured paper and some glue and left them to it. A few of them have agreed to share their art with you.

Natalie (4yo)

Kylie (6yo)

Elsie (age unknown)

I apologise for the quality of the photos, I need a new camera but I doubt I will be getting one anytime soon. I hope you enjoyed their art.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010


Sorry its been a while since the last post; we have been really triggered lately. For those of you who dont understand what triggered is, its when something in everyday life that makes you remember the abuse. It causes anxiety and sometimes panic attacks. We havent had panic attacks in a while - mostly because we recognise when theya re about to come and use strategies to calm down enough that they dont happen.

However when we get triggered I lose alot of time to the alts; we feel anxious and dont get much sleep. We have recently been readign about grounding - something that is supposed to help people with DID handle anxiety. This is something we plan to discuss with our psychologist on Thursday. In the mean time we are trying a few things.

A few of my alts have also been wanting to try a new type of art (the style isnt new, but they havent done it before) - mosaics. So today we are going to cut up lots of coloured paper and use glue to make pictures and patterns. I am hoping this will help the little ones feel better - or maybe express how they feel.

Expression of emotion is important and art is often used in therapy for this - particularly with children - or child alts.

Sorry for the shortness of this post but I just wanted to give you an update.