Sunday, February 28, 2010


Last night I had a bad night.

Some drunk idiots walked past my house swearing and shouting and scared Natalie. Natalie is another of my young alts, she is 4 year old and a timid shy little thing. She is scared of all loud noises - she calls it all "banging". Lightning, movies with guns or bombs, hammering, a sudden noise - anything loud or unexpected. Shouting however is the worst.

She cam out really upset and curled up with Ulfie - the little ones stuff toy dog. By the time she let me out it was 2:30am (2 hours had past) but she was still scared and so I couldnt go to sleep - they wouldnt let me. So I logged onto Pandys.

Pandys is short for Pandora's Aquarium, a website for survivors of sexual abuse. It has forums where people can post and a chat room. Its a great place for people who need support from others who understand. Its not run by doctors or psychologists and doesnt replace seeing one but It some where that people can find advice written by others who have been through similar experiences.

Last night I went into the chat room and talked to a few other people. It was a safe place where I could be myself and help me and my alts calm down so that we could sleep.

Natalie is finally feeling better now though she is still a bit nervous and jumpy. So we are going to have a quiet day and I am going to try get ontop of my study. And maybe we will have a special treat - like pancakes! ANd maybe a nap because we are still really tired

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Minds at Risk

Today I watched Insight, a discussion show on SBS that talks about current issues. This week's subject was "Minds at Risk" - about the failings in the Mental Health system in Australia. A really interesting topic and those interested should check it out here.

What touched me personally was the story of a girl with DID. Her symptoms showed differently to mine and she had a hard time getting help and proper diagnoses. I was really lucky that I found a psychologist who listened and took the time to recognise what I was going through.

My troubles really started showing in year 12, my grandmother had just died and I was supposed to be preparing for my HSC which was to take place in about 2 months. I became serverly depressed, I was flooded with memories I didnt understand. I was tired all the time and had no energy. When I did get sleep it was filled with nightmares. I had sucidal thoughts. I also couldnt handle being around people and I pushed away my friends. For which I am truely sorry.

The week my HSC finished my parents moved to the country and I moved with them. I didnt have a license and couldnt get around. I felt clostraphobic and had nothing to do to keep me distracted in such a small town. Then in the first week of Feburary I was in Sydney visiting friends, long story short, I was in the situation where I had to catch  a train by myself. Two men got on the train at the next station. I dont think I am ready to go into what happened next but I am sure you can have a good guess.

When I got back home to my parents I was a complete mess, but I couldnt confide in them. My Mum while an amazing mother; who raised me from age 6 to 13 (when she remarried) by herself with no finacial support; lives by the idea of pretending everything is ok and keep going no matter what. I didnt believe she could understand why I was falling completely apart.

So I moved out and got myself a position as a live-in Nanny looking after four children, two girls aged 4 and 6 years, and two boys aged 8 and 10 years. It was an amazing year and they touched my life in so many ways. The job kept me busy - being up at 6:30 in the morning and putting them to bed at 8pm, keeping up with four active kids for 14 hours is tiring - partcularly when you have to walk everywhere. I rarely had the time or the energy to remember my problems.

But you can only hide for so long and by the end of the year the nightmares where back and the memories were worse than before. I didnt know what was real and what wasnt. I left that job and moved in with my boyfriend's mother. Started studying part time at TAFE. This is when I started to lose time.

I suppose you are wondering how someone can "lose" time. I would be somewhere doing something and then it was like I blinked and the next thing I was somewhere else and an hour had past and I had no recollection of what had happened.

As time went on I lost more time. My boyfriend met some of my alts - often at the worst times like when we were having sex. He was really good about it though and a huge support. He was the first person who suggested DID. He had a huge interest in the human mind and had read about it. But at the time I wasn't ready to accept it. I didnt want to even know about it. It scared me so much

As time went on I started uni, my boyfriend and I broke up, though we are still friends. But I was also still losing time and it was getting worse. I was doing 5 subjects at uni and I started to break down. I couldnt handle it. One of my lecturers noticed I was struggling and set me up with the uni councellor. I didnt mention the loss of time but I did tell her about the nightmares, the depression and the memories. She told me that she wanted me to see someone who had more experience. She gave me the number of a local woman's health centre where a psychologist volunteered who was a specialist in trauma.

It took me a year to trust her enough to tell her about the losing time, about my alts. I had this fear that if I told anyone they would lock me up in a mental hospital. That terrified me. But she was really good about it and diagnosed me with DID.

I didnt plan to go into all of this stuff tonight, but once I started it all came flooding out. Maybe it will help someone realise that there are people out there who want to help. Who can help.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010


I currently have a good friend staying with me for a few days. Friends are important and these days I cant say I have too many good friends. Its hard to keep in touch when you are scared of alts coming out in public.

Anyway, this friend is a particularly good one because he doesnt mind my alts, he is just as happy to spend time with them as he is to spend time with me. Which is actually really rare, even among my good friends. Even those that know about them and are ok with it, still get uncomfortable around them. So to have a friend who is unfazed by my alts even from the start is amazing.

I guess I just want to say treasure your friends and be there for them because you have no idea when you might need them to be there for you. And dont forget to thank your friends who do stand by you even in tough times - those type of people are rare and you should hold on to them. Ok so that my sentimental advice, bit corny but so true!

I also want to take the time to thank Xiaocaca  for allowing me to post her artwork on my blog. Please go look her work - it is amazing and well worth the time.

Bill Henson Assessment

Uni is starting back on the 1st of March, because of the time DID takes up in my life I am currently only studying one subject through distance education. This semester its "Developmental Psychology". Since I already have my subject outline I have started my readings and more importantly my first assessment.

The assessment is a expert testimonial in response to a newspaper article on the sexualisation of children. This particular article is in response to the Bill Henson scandal in 2008. Those interested in reading the article can do so here.  For those of you who do not know who Bill Henson is he is a famous Australian photographer. This "scandal" came about when in May 2008, his exibition was closed due to allegations that his work was child pornography. Some people went as far as to call him a peadophile. The photos in the exibition included naked photos of a girl who was around 12 years old.

I am finding this an interesting subject and my views on Bill Henson's artwork are very conflicted. I personally love painting and drawing and have always been drawn to art. I believe that art is an expression of so many things and some of these things are often confronting, as is the case with Bill Henson's work. I think its unfair to classify Henson as a peadophile - based solely on these "artworks" (Im still not convinced whether they are not) however I do believe that Bill Henson went too far.

As far as my personal opinion of the artwork - well, there were a few pieces I was fond of - some close ups of just a girl's face and the shadow and lighting on it was beautiful and interesting Such as this one and this one. Though none of is work was really something that amazed me and I would add to my favourites. As far as the photos of the nude child - well the few I have seen I thought the were distastful and there was nothing special about the photography itself. But that is just my opinion.

My alts were less open to the idea that Henson's work was art. They found it disturbing. It is not unsual for me to have different tastes to my alts - that includes food (one alt is a vegetarian), art, TV programs and what is considered fun. However in this case one alt in particular response was extreme. She is 6 years old and often is sad as a she deals with some of my worst memories. While her vocabulary is that of a 6 year old, she occasionally expresses herself beyond that of a 6 yo. That isnt unsual for my alts, some of them say they are one age but act completely different from that age. Anyway, back to Bill Henson.

To help my study I borrowed a book called "The Henson Case" by David Marr, which contains a few of the photos. I also printed some articles to read through. The 6 year old decided she disliked the whole thing so much that she took the book and the articles and through them in the recycle bin! Luckly I found them and dug it all out. However she came back out and put them back in the bin. Each time I would take them out she would "come out" and put them back. I finally was able to convince her that I needed it and that she couldnt simply recycle books she didnt like - especially those I dont own.

We now have an agreement, I need to tell her before I start working on the assessment so she can go to her "room". Once I am finished she can come out and have some play time.

Another time I will have to explain about the "room" system however its 3am and I should try and get some sleep. Plus I think this post is long enough!

EDIT 19/3/10 - I finally got around to posting about the "room" system - if you would like to have a look check  here

Monday, February 22, 2010

A Starting Point

Im not sure how to start this.

This blog is unlike me, I am generally a very private person, even more so after DID became a major part of my life. Most of alts are children under the age of 10; and its not easy to hide if they come out in public.  And not all people react with understanding.  That can be frightening, which is why I am so private.

However I have been thinking that people only react badly because they dont understand. So this blog is about showing that a person with DID is still a normal person, everyone has problems and issues, a person with DID just has a little more trouble hiding it.

I suppose I should start by explaining what DID is.

Disassociation is a common mechnism for any person - you know when you just tune out, then realise that your mind has been else where for the last 20 mins? Thats disassociation - its a normal thing for people to do.

Disassociation Identity Disorder is when that disassosiation becomes more extreme. In most cases this happens when a child suffers from physical/sexual abuse over a long period. A person with DID will have at least 2 alts. In my case I have 15 alts, as far as the reason I might explain my past in a bit more detail in another post. But right now I am not ready to share that.

A better explanation of DID can be found at these websites

Dissociative Identity Disorder
Skeptic Dictionary

I guess this is a good a start as any. Feel free to comment or ask questions - I will always do my best to answer them.