Monday, March 15, 2010


Im feeling really sad at the moment. Nothing has triggered it in particular, There are just times when I want to cry, and right now thats how Im feeling. Its hard for me not being able to just cry and let out and let go. And since I cant cry I want to just suppress the feeling and hide from it. But if I do that it will just get worse and eventually overwhelm me.

One possible reason I could be upset for no reason is the 6yo might be close. she holds alot of our sadness and if something has bothered her - no matter how small - she will be feeling really sad. If it is her she isnt speaking up. And it does seem unlikly - she would usually come out if something had triggered her, or made her sad.

I dont cry often, and I have only been able to shed tears a few time in the last 3 years. Before that I never cried, I would get upset, I would even pretend to cry making the noises etc but I wasn't able to shed tears.

WARNING: The rest of this post may contain things that might be triggering to a survivor. Though there is nothing too detailed

I think this is because when I was a child and the abuse happened I would be punished for crying or saying no or getting angry. It became necassary to stop these things in order to protect myself.

My anger got locked inside, the big 8yo holds it all. She can make life difficult but it is hard to blame her when she cant help being so angry. She used to aim some the anger at us - particularly me (the host) when I was dating men. She didnt like it and often tried to punish by self harming.

She has moved passed that now as she learnt by hurting our body she hurts everyone in it - including herself and her sister who she is very protective of. Now she mostly just destructive of our property. Trying to break things that are meaningful to the part she is trying to hurt. For the most part she is kept inside by Stacy. Hopefully one day we can help her find a constructive way to deal with anger.


Sunshine and Shadows said...

I understand the crying and the anger part. I found that breaking eggs helps. I throw them into the garden. They are good for the soil - and the soul. Sometimes you just need to break something.

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