Saturday, July 9, 2011

Too Tired To Let It Out

Lately I have been very slack with my blog and even more so with my journaling, even my art has suffered. A big reason for this is the Chronic Fatigue, dealing with emotions is tiring and when you are already exhausted there is just no energy to work on more. The problem with this is: healing cannot just be put on hold. It doesn't just stop because we are tired, or sick or because we have plans this weekend. Once healing begins, the book is open and no lock is strong enough to hold it closed again. At least that is my experience.

This has become my biggest struggle of late, I have reduced my psychology appointments back to once a fortnight, as I have already said, I no longer journal, my blog has suffered and I rarely do art, either recreational or healing. Yet the nightmares continue, there are small daily things I have to avoid because simply being near by can cause me to be seriously triggered.

My parts don't come out as much as they used to and there is a lot more co-existence and even a few moments of co-consciousness. This is one area I can truly see improvement, however I know some of my older parts are worried about the healing being on hold and I worry that I will make steps backwards. That I will begin losing more time again and that tiny things will cause me to lose hours.

I have a couple things that have been helping me cope lately, firstly, the love and support of my boyfriend and friends. Secondly is music and TV shows, things I can lose myself in and help the time pass without tiring myself out. However these things are things that I helping me get through, there doesnt feel to be any steps forward and that is so frustrating.

Last November I wrote this in relation to a Post Secret I saw:

"It summed up how I have been feeling for the past few months so well that I wanted to cry. I have been watching friends graduate from university, getting married, having babies, starting families, traveling - all the while getting out of bed feels like a huge accomplishment! I know I shouldn't compare myself to others - every persons journey is different and life isn't a race. However my life feels so empty and I feel so helpless to change it."

 I no longer feel quite like this, I am no longer simply existing, my life no longer feels empty. However I am feeling frustrated because my life now feels like its on hold, there are things I want to be doing, experiences I want to be sharing but I still cannot do anything because I am simply too tired.

Instead of being caught up in depression because of this, I now feel frustrated and I am just ready to be better. I am angry at the situation and overwhelmed at the fact that its been over 18 months and there still feels like no end to this illness. I don't even understand what is wrong with my body and the doctors cannot tell me!

The picture at the top of this post is a Polyvore set I did in attempt to use art to express how I have been feeling. I recognise that I need to try and post more and try express myself more through art.


Evan said...

I hope you find a way to get some more energy, in a gentle and healing way

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