Saturday, April 17, 2010


So I lost pretty much all of today and who ever was out was in a distructive mood - the house is trashed, stuff is broken, I have been cut and a stuffed toy has been killed - there is stuffing spread through out the house. Luckly its not one of the toys that have any special meaning to me or the littles. But it is till a teddy that was given to the littles by Aaron. The 4yo particularly liked it - she isnt going to be happy.

No one is admitting who it was though I am fairly sure it was the older 8yo - she is the only one I know who tends to like distruction. I have had a look around and other than the teddy there doesnt seem to be too much broken which is something, I guess. I will need to spend tomorrow cleaning.

At least this time I am not totally clueless as to why I lost time. Suprise, suprise it was over a boy. I feel stupid for letting him get to me. For the first time since Aaron (my ex fiancee) broke up with me I started to trust a guy a bit, enough to let him in. Why did I think he was any different?

I started to have feelings for him, though I recognised that nothing could happen anytime soon, he lives in the UK and is quite a bit younger than I am. But I felt given a couple of years something could actually happen. He wants to move to Australia one day so ... I dont know, doesnt matter now.

Anyway, I found out he was supposedly feeling the same way. We talk about it for a bit. We talked about my fears of being hurt and having trouble with relationships. We talked about his fears. I mentioned why it would be hard to try it now, but before I could even mention maybe later he said "I don't want it to work. It can't." I am suprised how much that hurt. I am so pathetic. I wanted him to want me, I wanted to be worth fighting for. But I guess i just have too much baggage to deal with - too many problems. I guess I dont blame him, its not his fault I am screwed up.

The stupid thing is I want to be with someone, I miss the hugs and having someone who is just there for you when you feel like crap. Having somone to laugh at jokes with, you know the jokes no one else gets but they do because you have experienced so much together and know eachother that well. Someone to curl up on the lounge and watch TV with at night. And yet I am scared of letting a guy get close to me. I am terrified of getting hurt that way again. In some ways its harder than the abuse and crap because when you get hurt like that its by someone you trust never to hurt you - its someone you chose to let in and get close to you because you truely believe they love you as much as you love them.

Prehaps I am just naive. prehaps love like I am looking for doesnt exist. Or prehaps I just dont deserve it. I mean I must have done something majorly wrong to have all this crap happen. Maybe to be used and hurt by men is all I am good for.

I think I should stop writing now.


Telstaar said...

Hey there,

I don't have much energy, but the ONLY reason there is no guy for you at this point in time is because God has deemed it so. It has NOTHING to do with whether you are good enough or don't "deserve"this at all. It just IS right now and that is sucky and unpleasant and not something you desire... but for whatever reason it is what it is and i'm really sorrowful for that because I know how much I long for that comfort of a romantic relationship.

It does not stand to reason that crappy things happen because a person is bad... crappy things happen to good and bad people and we're all saved by grace anyway.

I care about you... dont' let yourself fall victim to the lies of the enemy okay??

*hugs* xo

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