The Mind VS Feelings

NOTE: Please be aware that sex is a topic in this post - it is not discussed in any depth but it is mentioned. If you feel this might trigger you, take care of yourself and skip this post.

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Random Picture

I found this piece of art on Deviant Art (a site I love completely and recommend to anyone), and it really struck a cord. It was made around the time of the Japanese Tsunami where so many people lost their lives, but it just hit  home on a completely different aspect and I wanted to share it with you.

A Fox for Japan by SilentReaper

In the comments section the artist wrote:

"Bad times pass slowly,

Good times pass quickly

But time itself passes,

Regardless of who or where you are"

It reminded me of the need to cover up our hurt and to find quick fixes when there usually isnt any. There are times when I wish I could put a bandaid on my past and let it fix itself but that isnt an option - at least not a healthy one. It also isnt something a bandaid can completely cover. This picture made me want to cry and made me happy at the same time.

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Edit: 16/3/12

I wrote this quite late last night and I dont think I expressed how this art work made me feel very well. While this picture made me want to cry (something I still struggle with doing) but in a good way, a kind of release. It made me reflect on my own progress and helped me to look inside - something I am struggling to do at the moment. 

The comment the artist made also made just as big an impact as the art its self. It really showed me that I am not so alone - even in those moments I feel trapped in my past. 

Running away from a Good Thing

The most exciting news I have since my huge break is that at the beginning of the year Elmo proposed! We are planning a small garden wedding for March 2013. I feel very lucky to have found someone who is so loving and supportive and who respects my needs even when they can be a little difficult. He also amazingly great with my littles but I plan to post about that in a later post.

A drawing I made representing how safe I feel with Elmo

The hard thing for me at the moment is that despite all this, I am having to fight a part of me that is telling me to break it off and run away. I understand that this just my subconscious just trying to protect me from being hurt and have been talking to Margaret about it too. According to her, everyone has pre-wedding jitters and when you couple that with my abusive childhood, a father who left me and hasn't contacted me since age 6 and the lack of good examples when it comes to marriage; its no wonder I am fearful of commitment.

The thing is, knowing all this doesn't make the feeling go away - I still want to run away. I'm really worried that I'm going to screw up and ruin this great thing. Its frustrating because I want this to be a fun exciting time and I cant seem to escape my past. I'm angry that long after his death my grandfather is still screwing up my life.

I have talked this all through with Elmo and as usual, he is completely understanding and loving, though I know it hurts him that part of me wants to run away. One of the things I have been doing is writing a list of all the things I love about Elmo and reading through it when I get scared or want to run away.

Good Intentions vs Reality

I have found that no matter how good my intentions are I always seem to go through phases where I don't write in my blog, I don't use my journal and I put aside my healing time. Its not that I dont want to heal, or I am even trying to run away. It is simply that I am too caught up in day to day stress that I dont have the energy for me.

I discussed this with Margaret (my psychologist) today and started talking about "Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs". For those of you who don't know about Maslow, he was an American Psychologist and the Hierarchy of Needs is one of his more well known theories which he published in 1943.

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs
(picture from here)

Maslow's theory suggests that the most basic level of needs (the bottom tier of the pyramid) must be met before the individual will strongly desire (or focus motivation upon) the secondary or higher level needs. In my case, I have been very stressed lately about money and my health and haven't had the energy to focus on healing.

My talk with Margaret made me feel that it is okay to give myself a break from healing and to focus on daily stresses when I need to. Despite that I do still need to spend some time for me and feeling better and this blog is part of that and with that in mind I am going to try to put aside time each week for me to focus on me and my healing journey.


** Information on Maslow's Hierarcy of Needs is from Wikipedia