Not Coping

Not coping. feeling bad. Just want to cry. Everything feels too hard. Trying not to cut. Jazzie wont talk to anyone - except Kyle - and I am not even sure if she would do that today.
Kyle wont answer on MSN. feel so alone. really want to cut.
Most inside not doing well. Falling apart. its too hard.

Photos of Charlie & Rascal

Here are some more photos of Charlie and Rascal (the new kitten)

They seem to be coming fast friends:

And enjoy playing together:

it can be very crazy sometimes. I will try to get a video together.

After playing they tend to collapse together and sleep soundly:

Until the next play time!!

Will try to write a proper post soon.

Add a kitten to the mix

I lost most of yesterday and when I came out I found a kitten in my house! I dont have a cat (well I didnt) and finding a kitten and all the things one needs for a kitten (food, kitty litter, toys, scratching post etc.) was a huge shock.

I knew the littles wanted a cat but I had said no! They spent around AU$200 on the kitten and stuff for the kitten. I am not sure what to do. At this rate I think I will keep it but I am worried that the littles will think that it means doing stuff like this is ok and its not.

I am going to write down a list of rules that everyone has to agree to. Something we can refer back to - at the moment we have rules but we just remember them - I am hoping having them written down and having all the littles agree to it will help stop something like this happening again. Kinda like a contract.

Here is a photo of the kitten with Charlie, my Cavalier King Charlies Spaniel cross. They seem to get along well and like playing.

Now to think of a name for the little boy. At the moment we are thinking Rascal - what does everyone think? have any ideas for a good name?
Here are some other contenders in no particular order

• Hobbes
• Tiger
• Rebel
• Griffin
• Orion

Poem

Look in the mirror

Who do see?

A face unreckonisable as me

How can one be the other

and still be the same?

A part, a whole,

an individual

lost in a multiple.


__________________________________________

Edit: 20/5/2010

This Poem was written and posted by Nadia. She is very creative and uses art and writing to express herself. She has struggled with accepting that she is an alt.

Broken

Broken

Seether & Amy Lee

Seether:
i wanted you to know
that i love the way you laugh
i wanna hold you high
steal your pain
...away.
I keep your photograph
and i know it serves me well
i wanna hold you high
and steal your pain

Chorus 1:
cuz i'm broken
when i'm lonesome
and i don't feel right,
when you're gone away

Bridge:
you've gone away
you don't feel me
anymore

Amy:
the worst is over now,
and we can breathe again
i want to hold you high
and steal your pain
There's so much left to learn
and no one left to fight
i want to hold you high
and steal your pain

Chorus 2:
cuz i'm broken
when i'm open
and i don't feel like
i'm strong enough
Cuz i'm broken
when i'm lonesome
and i don't feel right
when you're gone away

(chorus 2 x2)
(chorus 1)

Really not doing good

I am feeling so crappy today. I have a cold on top of everything else.

I am struggling to accept that I am going to need help if I dont get better soon. I am too tired to cook so I am eating frozen dinners which is expensive and not the healthiest way to eat. I am struggling to keep on top of washing - both clothes and dishes. General chores around the house just isnt happening. Charlie, my beautiful dog, is filthy and scratching but there is no way I can lift him into the bath and wash him myself. He hasnt had a proper walk in ages - I feel really bad.

Sarah C came over for bible reading which was the highlight of my day - she is really good to talk to and we have great talks about the bible and living in this world as a Christian. I told her about what I was struggling with and that I might need help and I was struggling that. I also told her that I didnt know where to go for that help. She has offered to look into what is available around here as far as help.

Mum & I are also talking about her paying for a house cleaner once a fortnight till I am better.

I feel bad that I need help. I am supposed to be a young healthy person. And being on a disbility pension already for the DID I should have all these things under control. I mean I only study one subject a semester - a normal load is 4 subjects. And now I cant even do a little of one subject. I struggle to wash my hair. Its so frustrating.
I just want to cry just now. And I cant and because of that I just want to cut because thats the only thing that has helped me in the past. I know I shouldnt start again and I am really trying to fight it but I feel so bad - I cant even play wow for distraction.

Post Viral Fatigue Syndrom

I feel bad its been over a week since I have posted on either blog. I have wanted to and thought about it but I just been so tired that I havent been able to. Not that I am feeling much better now but I want to keep this updated and so I am going to take this slowly and try and post as much as I can. I will also try to keep this updated as often as I can.

I went and saw my doctor on Friday and the blood tests that had come back all were normal. The only tests that hadnt come back were the ones testing for muscle degnerative diseases and my doctor thinks they are unlikely - however she will call me if those tests come back with anything unusual.

While the Luvox no longer was making me sick it was still not helping and I was feeling more tired if anything so my doctor has taken me off the Luvox and is starting me on Zoloft - another anti-depressant that has been shown to help with Chronic Fatigue.

She has also taken me off the pill. I have been on Monophem (a type of pill) since 2003 as I have always had bad periods and monophem controls it - I found out in 2008 that the reason I have bad periods is because I have Polosystic ovaries. She tells me that occasionally the pill can make people feel generally unwell and tired. It doesnt seem likely but it can creep up over time so its worth checking out. It takes about 3 months to get the pill out of our system so if thats what causing all this it will take a while to feel better.

After all the tests and everything my doctor was confident in diagnosing me with Post-Viral Fatigue Syndrom (PVFS). This is the same thing as Chronic Fatigue Syndrom, its just that you need to have the symtoms for 6 months to be diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue - before that its PVFS.

This news was both a relief and frustrating. Relief because its not Lupus or something worse, nothing life threatening. Frustrating because there isnt really a know curer. Just time and rest, the Zoloft has helped in some cases but not all - I can only wait and hope.

I am thinking I will withdraw from uni for this semster as I cant see me catching up in time for the exam - even if the Zoloft starts helping in the next fortnight. If I havent had improvement by the end of May I will be applying for leave for next semster because I dont know what else I can do.

I will try to post more soon. In the mean time thank you to all of you who have sent me your well wishes and prayers they are much appreciated.

Sick, sick, sick

So sick of being sick! Went and saw Dr Parkin yesterday - Jazz reckons he is up himself and snootie - though he was very througher about testing for everything and making sure we ruled out stuff. This meant more blood tests. 7 tubes to be exact which freaked out Shadow. Natalie and Katy werent happy either.

They are testing for Auto-immune diseases, diseases that attack the mucsles and checking my liver. I have to wait till Friday week (14th May) for the results and I dont want to wait that long. The entire thing is getting me stressed out. What is wrong with me?! I am trying not to let on to my younger alts that I am scared cause that would terrify them.

The Luvox is still making my tummy sick and generally that makes me feel more tired and it interrupts my sleep which doesnt help.

I have an extension for my assessment which is good I guess but at the moment if I cant do any of it so I hope I start feeling a little better soon or their wont be any point to the extension.

Sorry this blog has just been me whinging about being sick lately but this is really affecting everything - I dont even have the energy to play WoW which is insane. I wish I has someone near by who would wrap me up in their arms and tell me it will be ok. I could really use a hug

Differences

I am feeling much better, not the energy levels but I am no longer seriously sick from the meds. Still a bit queasy but I can handle that. The past 4 nights I have only been taking half a tablet (as instructed by my doctor) tonight we go up to a full tablet. I'm seriously hoping that this wont make the nausea come back.

Dr Parkin - the physican I have been refered to - receptionist called today and asked if I wanted to move my appointment forward a day (so I would see him tomorrow instead of Wednesday) I decided not to since I have an appointment with Margaret on tommorrow evening to figure out ways to deal with the anxiety of a new male doctor.

The littles have been really getting into Sims 2 (and most of the expansions) over the last few days. I have never really got the game myself - I find it a bit boring however they seem to love it. I find it interesting that parts of me have completely different tastes to me.

They even have different beliefs which I struggle with. I am a Christian but most of my parts arent. Jessica actually is against Christianity - but then her lifestyle choice would be to sleep with whoever (boys and girls) and never settle down which isnt really what the bible teaches.

I think of my alts each as individuals most of the time and I struggle when talking to my psychologist about them being parts of me. I realise intellectually they are but they feel so seperate and they think so differently that its hard to consider them anything but seperate.

Despite all the difference I have come to love each of them though it has taken me awhile - particularly with the more difficult parts like the older 8yo. Its rather ironic but I have come to accept that while DID makes me appear to society as crazy it is infact DID that kept me from losing it when all the crap happened. This was the way my young mind coped.

Still sick

Was still really sick last night after taking the tablet. However by 11am this morning I was able to at least keep food down though I am still queasy. I am going to have to take another one tonight and the littles are fighting me about it taking it. They dont like being sick and dont understand why we keep taking a tablet that makes us sick.

Being sick from the Luvox really makes it hard to get anything done so I am having a quiet weekend and resting hoping that by Monday I will be feeling better. I want to organise a meeting with my lecturer to see about getting a grade pending. I am not yet ready to give up on this subject when I have put so much in to it but my assessment is due in 10 days and I havent done nearly enough.

I am sort of writing this over a couple of hours I find it hard to sit here and concentrate. Because this I took the Luvox tablet an hour ago and already I can feel the queazyness getting worse.

I think I should finish up now.