Poetry from the past

High school was never a particularly pleasant time, and my final year was made worse as that is when I first began to consciously lost time. I say consciously as I am aware that I was 'split' before that but I have no memory of losing time. I do not remember being bothered by it or any other signs of DID until my final year.

Recently I was going through some old art dairies from high school and I found plenty of art, writing and poetry that I don't believe I did. Two poems really stuck out at me and after a little asking around I discovered that Nadia wrote them.

I thought I would share them with you:

The Hive

The hive vibrates, a constant hum
A reminder of the conglomerate
Each part fading into the collective
Nuts and bolts that keep the system one

Each bee works tirelessly
Perfectly in time, like clockwork
All to achieve the illusion of unity
To achieve the unachievable

.............................................................................................................

I Am Here

Walking alone in the crowd
The lines fade to blurs
Each person forming a never ending ocean
Voices, shouts, footsteps, notices
Each sound, once sharp and distinct,
blend to form a constant drone.

I am the candle in the dark room
Red, in a sea of grey
I refuse to join the crowd
I fight the masses
I want to scream, to shout, to yell
I AM HERE

I am told during this time that our system was really struggling to stay together and hold me together so that I could finish high school. Nadia was particularly struggling to connect with the others.

Artworks

Entries for the December Expressive Arts Carnival close on the 27th of December. I was going through some of our art to see what I would enter since it is "open" this month and I found a few pieces that I havent posted up here that I have been meaning to. Still not sure what I will enter - there are quite a few I like and would be interesting to share.

This was drawn by Nadia fairly recently - its our "thoughts and emotions". I am really quite taken with this piece, though at the same time it makes me shudder occasionally.

This one I found with a few other water colours done at the same time (in the last month) - I am not sure who did it. I think I would find it scary if it wasnt for the purple. As it is I find it very powerful - full of hurt, anger and sadness but also hope and healing. I think myabe the older 8 year old did and if she did that is very exciting for me - she hasnt shown alot of healing in her art before.

This is an old one - drawn in 2009 by Nadia. I have been meaning to share it for a while because it is such an intersting piece - its also very different to any sort of art I have ever done and yet it is a good example of the art Nadia regularly does. It is actually only a section of  a larger piece of art - the orginal was A3 but my scanner is only A4 so I could only get a section of it.

This is a mask I drew not long after I entered the last Expressive Arts Carnival. It was really eye opening to me because I didnt really think when I drew it - I was just thinking about walls and masks and everything I had been discussing/thinking in relation to the last entry (see here) and was scetching one day and this came out. I really am proud of the cracks in this - however I am also a little scared and excited what this picture could mean to my healing.

So I am thinking I will enter one of these or maybe Natalie's portrait (here). Being at home it is harder to do art though I do have a small sketch book, some pencils and chalk pastels so we might do a little. Even if I dont end up sending one of these I am glad I have an "excuse" to post them here, I have been meaning to share them and havent got around to it.

Expressive Arts Carnival November Entry

I have mentioned the Expressive Arts Carnival once before (in this post) not long after I found this site through another survivor's blog. Each month there is a theme or activity which is posted and survivors are encouraged to create a piece of artwork or creative writing based on this project.

This month the activity is:

Draw a wall using any medium, and show what is on one or both sides. Please also write a couple of sentences saying what the process was like for you.

 Nadia and I worked on our entry together, which has been really interesting for me as it's the first time that I have collaborated with one of my alts in anything. Here is our result:

This was drawn first in pencil, then with a felt tip pen and then later it was scanned into the computer and the colours were added digitally. Nadia wanted to have the globe & vines coloured so as to separate them from the wall, to have it stand out.

The mask is the wall, on one side is us (my alts & I), on the other is the vines, rose & globe which are meant to represent life & the world.

Working on this has taken a long time, not only because of the collaboration but also because the Chronic Fatigue made it hard to work on this for any length of time. To get it completed and in on time is another  accomplishment for me, the first being working with Nadia.

I keep coming back to the idea of masks - have done for years - the idea that we let the world see us one way, not allowing others to see the real us. I don't know the number of times I have put a smile on my face and told people around me that "I am okay" when I have felt like I am falling apart inside. Even when I have been honest and let people in I still only show glimpses - I feel I have to protect others and that by being completely honest and open I will hurt them with my own pain.

As we worked on this submission the same thought kept coming to me: Is it that the mask is keeping the world out (protecting us) or is it keeping us in (a cage), preventing us from living life? I am not sure the answer but it is something that has been on my mind a lot lately.

Poem

Look in the mirror

Who do see?

A face unreckonisable as me

How can one be the other

and still be the same?

A part, a whole,

an individual

lost in a multiple.


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Edit: 20/5/2010

This Poem was written and posted by Nadia. She is very creative and uses art and writing to express herself. She has struggled with accepting that she is an alt.