I took the Luvox last night (around 2am because I went to bed late because of the girls night) and 4 hours later was sick. It seems my body isnt keen on it. I will keep at it for a while and see if my body gets used to it.
Its made me pretty miserable today and my energy levels are non existant. I am struggleing just to write this. I did see Margaret and talked to her about a number of things, including taking time off uni so I dont keep putting fails on my transcript.
I am seeing her next Tuesday before the specialist appointment so that we can try figure ways of dealing with seeing a new male doctor.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Disappointment & anti-depressants
So I am back from the doctors - and guess what the blood tests came back with
So what does my doctor say? Well at first she said that she thought it might be earlier symtoms of my depression coming back. Which I argue with her about. I explained to her exactly how this exhaustion was different from when I was depressed last time and how I have never felt exhausted like this before. There have been days when I couldnt hang out my washing or do my hair because I couldnt lift my arms above my head!!! I am very disinclined to believe this is simply due to depression coming back. I admit that there is a possibility of it being depression but I dont want my doctor to think "oh well, the blood tests were clear, she has been depressed before that must be it." - That is a good way to miss things and I told her this.
I did admit that lately - particularly the last month or so that my mood had been very down but then what are you to expect when you dont have the energy to do the most simple tasks?
After hearing my out she thought it was likely to be Chronic Fatigue Syndrom. She has put me on an anti-depressant (Luvox), which she says can also help with Chronic Fatigue.It will also help if depression is the cause. I suppose its good to cover all bases, however we are not happy to be going back to drugs.
In the past we went on a series of different anti-depressants and we seriously didnt like it, they caused alots of problems for all of us and generally speaking we just dont like using drugs. My reactions to different anti-depressants were: Feeling fuzzy in our mind (this was the worst because it made everyone feel fuzzy and its not a nice feeling). Others included, a sense of discontectedness, nausea, hyper tension (like a a bow string tied to tight), further depression (it made it worse) I faguely remember going on one that seemed to make me dissociate more because I hardly remember anything of the time I was on it just remember once I was taken off it for about a week feeling like I had woken up from a long dream and wondering where 2 months had gone. As you can see my experience with anti-depressants isnt great, however I have been on Luvox before and it didnt bother us to much. I did help us with anxiety at night and helped us get a bit more sleep so maybe it will help with whatever is wrong.
She also has refered me to a specialist - a physician who specialises in cardo/respitory. Supposedly he will be able to do more tests and check more posibilities of it being a physical problem. This also has caused some upset in the system. The doctor is male and some of the little ones dont handle males very well. he is likely to poke and prod us and being touched by a guy - even for medical reasons has everyone up in arms. We like cuddles and hugs from guys we trust but we need time to build up that trust and its unlikely to happen (trust building I mean) in a doctors office. I have an appointment with him next Wednesday - our need to know what wrong and do something about it outweighs our fear of the male doctor (which shows how desperate we all are to be better) so we will go and hopefully when I see Margaret tomorrow she will have some advice for handling this new doctor. I am also going to ask pandies for help - see if others have some advice in handing it.
Right now I am just feeling so disappointed and I am ready to curl up in bed and forget the world. But I have an assessment due in 11 days (which I have no hope in finishing with the way I feel). I also have friends coming over for dinner and movies tonight which I just want to cancel but we have been organising this for months and it would take just as long to reschedule it. So now I have to good cook a gluten free curry for dinner, make sure the house is presentable and probably have a nap before they come. I also should attempt to work on my assessment but I doubt I will. I am just too tired to think right now.
... (pause for dramatic effect) ...
NOTHING!
So what does my doctor say? Well at first she said that she thought it might be earlier symtoms of my depression coming back. Which I argue with her about. I explained to her exactly how this exhaustion was different from when I was depressed last time and how I have never felt exhausted like this before. There have been days when I couldnt hang out my washing or do my hair because I couldnt lift my arms above my head!!! I am very disinclined to believe this is simply due to depression coming back. I admit that there is a possibility of it being depression but I dont want my doctor to think "oh well, the blood tests were clear, she has been depressed before that must be it." - That is a good way to miss things and I told her this.
I did admit that lately - particularly the last month or so that my mood had been very down but then what are you to expect when you dont have the energy to do the most simple tasks?
After hearing my out she thought it was likely to be Chronic Fatigue Syndrom. She has put me on an anti-depressant (Luvox), which she says can also help with Chronic Fatigue.It will also help if depression is the cause. I suppose its good to cover all bases, however we are not happy to be going back to drugs.
In the past we went on a series of different anti-depressants and we seriously didnt like it, they caused alots of problems for all of us and generally speaking we just dont like using drugs. My reactions to different anti-depressants were: Feeling fuzzy in our mind (this was the worst because it made everyone feel fuzzy and its not a nice feeling). Others included, a sense of discontectedness, nausea, hyper tension (like a a bow string tied to tight), further depression (it made it worse) I faguely remember going on one that seemed to make me dissociate more because I hardly remember anything of the time I was on it just remember once I was taken off it for about a week feeling like I had woken up from a long dream and wondering where 2 months had gone. As you can see my experience with anti-depressants isnt great, however I have been on Luvox before and it didnt bother us to much. I did help us with anxiety at night and helped us get a bit more sleep so maybe it will help with whatever is wrong.
She also has refered me to a specialist - a physician who specialises in cardo/respitory. Supposedly he will be able to do more tests and check more posibilities of it being a physical problem. This also has caused some upset in the system. The doctor is male and some of the little ones dont handle males very well. he is likely to poke and prod us and being touched by a guy - even for medical reasons has everyone up in arms. We like cuddles and hugs from guys we trust but we need time to build up that trust and its unlikely to happen (trust building I mean) in a doctors office. I have an appointment with him next Wednesday - our need to know what wrong and do something about it outweighs our fear of the male doctor (which shows how desperate we all are to be better) so we will go and hopefully when I see Margaret tomorrow she will have some advice for handling this new doctor. I am also going to ask pandies for help - see if others have some advice in handing it.
Right now I am just feeling so disappointed and I am ready to curl up in bed and forget the world. But I have an assessment due in 11 days (which I have no hope in finishing with the way I feel). I also have friends coming over for dinner and movies tonight which I just want to cancel but we have been organising this for months and it would take just as long to reschedule it. So now I have to good cook a gluten free curry for dinner, make sure the house is presentable and probably have a nap before they come. I also should attempt to work on my assessment but I doubt I will. I am just too tired to think right now.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Tired
I am feeling very tired and just wanting to curl up and forget the world. I keep on going but I dont think I am keeping up - I think life is just dragging me along at the moment. May 10th is starting to feel so close and I dont think I can get my assignment done in time.
I just want to cry. Why do I have to be so tired all the time. I so hope the doctor can have answers for me soon because I cant keep going like this.
I just want to give up.
I just want to cry. Why do I have to be so tired all the time. I so hope the doctor can have answers for me soon because I cant keep going like this.
I just want to give up.
fairy floss
we got fairy floss at ironfest and it yummy
it all fluffy and feels funny on my tongue
i like fairy floss
it pink
everyone should eat fairy floss
it all fluffy and feels funny on my tongue
i like fairy floss
it pink
everyone should eat fairy floss
___________________________________
EDIT:
This was written this morning by the 4yo - as you can tell she is fond of fairy floss. Though it would have been typed by Julia who tends to help the young ones on the computer and with reading and writing.
To answer Sunshine's question I do believe you call it cotton candy in America.
Crazy days filled with little things
Yesterday was yet another crazy day. I had to interview Alison for my assignment. Then went and had a blood test and then had the girls bible study. May not seem much to a person with a relatively normal routine but when you include the large amount of time I lose to my alts for things like "play time" for the littles, study time for uni and just generally chores to make sure the house is neat for guests.
Anyway, my 10 minute interivew lasted 30 minutes and I have no idea how to shorten it. I have to check with my lecturer what to do - I thought I had gone over 5 mins but it ended up being alot more than that. I still have to interview Matt and like Alison pointed out (when I was chatting to her about it after the interview) Matt talks alot more than Alison does! I even skipped questions as it was for Alison, what am I going to do with Matt? ahhh! Hopefully my lecturer will not mind its longer - I think he wanted us to keep it to 10mins so it wouldnt be to hard to type the transcript.
The blood test was problamtic to say the least, Torry & the 12yo were having some fun and teasing Natalie, Katy and Shadow that the nurses who take the blood are really Vampires and so they got scared. I did tell the nurse that I had DID - just in case and she was good about it. Luckly I didnt switch during but switched alot after and Natalie is still upset about it. I know Torry & the 12yo didnt mean any harm and we ended up having the tests 2 days earlier so they didnt know that we were going to get blood taken so soon. The whole thing was just a huge fuss.
Bible study went well, I really like all the girls in the study and both this week and last week I took something away from it so I think its going to be a great learning experience. At the end of the study this week we decided to break up into groups of 3 so we could have a more open and intimate prayer time. It was really good and I told the 2 girls I was with about DID which seemed to go down well. One of them Sarah M (there are 2 Sarahs in the bible study and 2 Becs!) was just really curious and wanting to ask alot of questions which was awesome. It puts me at ease when people are openly curious. I guess its because if they feel comfortable enough to ask their questions then they probably dont see me as that different or as some mentally ill freak. Laura, the other girl I told was more quiet, she did ask questions but not as much and seemed more just letting it sink in. I think I will have to wait until next week before I feel confident that she is ok with what I told her.
This morning I woke up very stiff and sore, I had cramps in my stomach, and all my mucles along my lower back, spine and shoulders when clenched tight. Even now it hurts to move. I think I its just stress catching up with me - I often carry my tension in my back or thats what the physio said. I havent been to a physio in years now because I am no longer covered by my parents health cover and I just cant afford it. Physio is unfortunately not on Medicare.
Finally was able to talk to Kyle this morning which was really good, its amazing how much I miss chatting to him when we dont talk. I still am not sure how I feel about him or whether it would be a good idea to date him or not. But for now we are just going to see what happens and just enjoy eachothers company. Its great to be able to chat to someone who gets your fears and understands where you are coming from. He is also a very understanding, caring guy and its nice to know that not all men are complete jerks.
Anyway, my 10 minute interivew lasted 30 minutes and I have no idea how to shorten it. I have to check with my lecturer what to do - I thought I had gone over 5 mins but it ended up being alot more than that. I still have to interview Matt and like Alison pointed out (when I was chatting to her about it after the interview) Matt talks alot more than Alison does! I even skipped questions as it was for Alison, what am I going to do with Matt? ahhh! Hopefully my lecturer will not mind its longer - I think he wanted us to keep it to 10mins so it wouldnt be to hard to type the transcript.
The blood test was problamtic to say the least, Torry & the 12yo were having some fun and teasing Natalie, Katy and Shadow that the nurses who take the blood are really Vampires and so they got scared. I did tell the nurse that I had DID - just in case and she was good about it. Luckly I didnt switch during but switched alot after and Natalie is still upset about it. I know Torry & the 12yo didnt mean any harm and we ended up having the tests 2 days earlier so they didnt know that we were going to get blood taken so soon. The whole thing was just a huge fuss.
Bible study went well, I really like all the girls in the study and both this week and last week I took something away from it so I think its going to be a great learning experience. At the end of the study this week we decided to break up into groups of 3 so we could have a more open and intimate prayer time. It was really good and I told the 2 girls I was with about DID which seemed to go down well. One of them Sarah M (there are 2 Sarahs in the bible study and 2 Becs!) was just really curious and wanting to ask alot of questions which was awesome. It puts me at ease when people are openly curious. I guess its because if they feel comfortable enough to ask their questions then they probably dont see me as that different or as some mentally ill freak. Laura, the other girl I told was more quiet, she did ask questions but not as much and seemed more just letting it sink in. I think I will have to wait until next week before I feel confident that she is ok with what I told her.
This morning I woke up very stiff and sore, I had cramps in my stomach, and all my mucles along my lower back, spine and shoulders when clenched tight. Even now it hurts to move. I think I its just stress catching up with me - I often carry my tension in my back or thats what the physio said. I havent been to a physio in years now because I am no longer covered by my parents health cover and I just cant afford it. Physio is unfortunately not on Medicare.
Finally was able to talk to Kyle this morning which was really good, its amazing how much I miss chatting to him when we dont talk. I still am not sure how I feel about him or whether it would be a good idea to date him or not. But for now we are just going to see what happens and just enjoy eachothers company. Its great to be able to chat to someone who gets your fears and understands where you are coming from. He is also a very understanding, caring guy and its nice to know that not all men are complete jerks.
Monday, April 26, 2010
A Good Weekend
I have a few things I want to post about today. Firstly this weekend was a long weekend in Australia due to ANZAC day. ANZAC day (25th April) is in memory of the Australian and New Zealand soliders who fought in World War 1 at Gollapalli. Since today was a public holiday it allowed Mum to visit more easily - which she did.
No matter what I have said or say later - I love my Mum, she is a wonderful woman who is very giving of herself and she has always tried to do the best by me. She and I may often fight and not see eye to eye on alot things but no matter what I know she is there for me and would do whatever she could to help me. For 6 years (I was between ages 6 and 12years old) she and I lived just two of us in a small flat in Sydney, so we were very close and still are in many ways. This is important for me to say because I dont always speak positivly of her as we have had many problems but I dont want anyone to think that my mother is a bad person because she is a great woman who I admire and love.
When I first told Mum about what happened she didnt react well, she didnt want to believe it but she did slowly accept it. However she ahs always found it hard to talk about it or think about it. I think a major part of this is because she feels guilty - that she didnt protect me - particularly since the main perp was her father. She had no idea it happened until I told her much later, after it had stopped for a few years. It was not her fault but she still feels alot of guilt.
Because she had such a bad reaction to start with it took me a long time to tell her about having DID. When I first did she reacted much better than I expected however she still didnt want to talk about it. There were a few incidents where she came accross my alts and they tell me that her reaction was to turn around and walk the other way - she wouldnt talk to them or acknowledge them. She only wanted to know if I would ever "get better". I found this hard but I respected her wants and needs to avoid it. My Mum has her own issues with depression and I didnt want to pressure her.
This weekend it was just her and me and we had alot of fun, we did alot jobs that needed doing, we went shopping (neither of us are big shoppers but we like to window shop a bit), had a movie night, went out to dinner - we also played round with photography but more on that later. The big thing was she wanted to know more about DID, she wants information both about me and my alts and general information about DID. She also interacted with two of my younger alts and she didnt freak out, she was calm and great. For me this is such a big thing and it means so much. I think we still need to take things slowly but I was able to be honest abnd open with Mum for the first time in a long time.
So back to the photography - I have always love photography but I am hopeless at it - doesnt stop me playing though but I rarely share my photos and dont really consider them art. Anyway, last year my mum and step dad bought a digital SLR. At my request my Mum brought with her for this trip. I am in a new house and I am working at making it more like a home, but a student on a disability pension doesnt really make enough for interor design in their homes. However I am slowly making it a beautiful, relaxing environment where my alts and I feel safe and I am proud to bring my friends in my home. However my walls are fairly bare - art is expensive! So to add a little colour in the lounge room and a little art work I am going to take closeup photos (also known as Macro photography) of nature to have printed on canvases. This costs about AU$30 for a 12x12" canvas - much cheaper than a artwork that costs hundreds and sometime thousands of dollars. So this weekend Mum and I played with the SLR, taking photos of leaves and flowers around town. It was alot fun and I plan on putting some of this photos up on DeviantArt - though it was taking ages when I tried earlier so we will see.
Today I went to Ironfest with a friend which was fabulous! I loved it. Ironfest has the feel of a renaissance fair, but its basicly an Arts Fair. There is real jousting, great art and blacksmiths and its alot of fun. There are two artist who show and sell their work there. One is Jane Stapleford - she is an amazing artist who mostly does watercolours, either animals or fantasy based pictures or a mix of the two. They are amazingly detailed and I fell in love with it when I saw it last year and this year I bought a small print. She had a series this year that really reminded me of some of my younger alts - Sasha in particular. It was a print of one of these pictures I bought. I have been trying to find some of her artwork online but most of it is her animal paintings, there is one picture here but its not part of the series that I really want to show you.The other does fairies and I bought a necklace which is actually one of his fairies in a very small frame - its beautiful. Unfortunately I forgot his name but I am trying to find out and will edit this when I do. I tried to take a photo of the necklace but it didnt work. Mum took her SLR home so I am back to my crappy one.
Generally speaking I am still completely overwhelmed with everything and I am even more tired after this weekend however I can still smile and prehaps its not so completely impossible like I was feeling Friday. We shall see. This week is a crazy week and I think I am going to wear myself thin and get stressed again. I also feel bad, guilty and generally stressed that among everything this weekend I havent done any uni work.
Finally - I have updated the Links page so please check it out - there are alot of useful links there - or I hope they are useful for you - I find them good. If you have any other links you think I should add or prehaps you would like me to add your own site please feel free to email me - my email is on my profile.
No matter what I have said or say later - I love my Mum, she is a wonderful woman who is very giving of herself and she has always tried to do the best by me. She and I may often fight and not see eye to eye on alot things but no matter what I know she is there for me and would do whatever she could to help me. For 6 years (I was between ages 6 and 12years old) she and I lived just two of us in a small flat in Sydney, so we were very close and still are in many ways. This is important for me to say because I dont always speak positivly of her as we have had many problems but I dont want anyone to think that my mother is a bad person because she is a great woman who I admire and love.
When I first told Mum about what happened she didnt react well, she didnt want to believe it but she did slowly accept it. However she ahs always found it hard to talk about it or think about it. I think a major part of this is because she feels guilty - that she didnt protect me - particularly since the main perp was her father. She had no idea it happened until I told her much later, after it had stopped for a few years. It was not her fault but she still feels alot of guilt.
Because she had such a bad reaction to start with it took me a long time to tell her about having DID. When I first did she reacted much better than I expected however she still didnt want to talk about it. There were a few incidents where she came accross my alts and they tell me that her reaction was to turn around and walk the other way - she wouldnt talk to them or acknowledge them. She only wanted to know if I would ever "get better". I found this hard but I respected her wants and needs to avoid it. My Mum has her own issues with depression and I didnt want to pressure her.
This weekend it was just her and me and we had alot of fun, we did alot jobs that needed doing, we went shopping (neither of us are big shoppers but we like to window shop a bit), had a movie night, went out to dinner - we also played round with photography but more on that later. The big thing was she wanted to know more about DID, she wants information both about me and my alts and general information about DID. She also interacted with two of my younger alts and she didnt freak out, she was calm and great. For me this is such a big thing and it means so much. I think we still need to take things slowly but I was able to be honest abnd open with Mum for the first time in a long time.
So back to the photography - I have always love photography but I am hopeless at it - doesnt stop me playing though but I rarely share my photos and dont really consider them art. Anyway, last year my mum and step dad bought a digital SLR. At my request my Mum brought with her for this trip. I am in a new house and I am working at making it more like a home, but a student on a disability pension doesnt really make enough for interor design in their homes. However I am slowly making it a beautiful, relaxing environment where my alts and I feel safe and I am proud to bring my friends in my home. However my walls are fairly bare - art is expensive! So to add a little colour in the lounge room and a little art work I am going to take closeup photos (also known as Macro photography) of nature to have printed on canvases. This costs about AU$30 for a 12x12" canvas - much cheaper than a artwork that costs hundreds and sometime thousands of dollars. So this weekend Mum and I played with the SLR, taking photos of leaves and flowers around town. It was alot fun and I plan on putting some of this photos up on DeviantArt - though it was taking ages when I tried earlier so we will see.
Today I went to Ironfest with a friend which was fabulous! I loved it. Ironfest has the feel of a renaissance fair, but its basicly an Arts Fair. There is real jousting, great art and blacksmiths and its alot of fun. There are two artist who show and sell their work there. One is Jane Stapleford - she is an amazing artist who mostly does watercolours, either animals or fantasy based pictures or a mix of the two. They are amazingly detailed and I fell in love with it when I saw it last year and this year I bought a small print. She had a series this year that really reminded me of some of my younger alts - Sasha in particular. It was a print of one of these pictures I bought. I have been trying to find some of her artwork online but most of it is her animal paintings, there is one picture here but its not part of the series that I really want to show you.The other does fairies and I bought a necklace which is actually one of his fairies in a very small frame - its beautiful. Unfortunately I forgot his name but I am trying to find out and will edit this when I do. I tried to take a photo of the necklace but it didnt work. Mum took her SLR home so I am back to my crappy one.
Generally speaking I am still completely overwhelmed with everything and I am even more tired after this weekend however I can still smile and prehaps its not so completely impossible like I was feeling Friday. We shall see. This week is a crazy week and I think I am going to wear myself thin and get stressed again. I also feel bad, guilty and generally stressed that among everything this weekend I havent done any uni work.
Finally - I have updated the Links page so please check it out - there are alot of useful links there - or I hope they are useful for you - I find them good. If you have any other links you think I should add or prehaps you would like me to add your own site please feel free to email me - my email is on my profile.
Friday, April 23, 2010
I feel so alone
I feel so alone.
Kyle, the guy in the UK that I mentioned a few posts back, he told me he had a dream about me in which he saw me trip over. I think its a good metphor for how I have been feeling lately.
He has been on my mind alot lately. I have been wondering if its the right thing. I am beginning to think we would be better off as friends. I dont know. I do like him but I dont know. I know cares alot but I also keep getting hurt by him, not in a major way just little bits - but enough that its really hard to stay open to him. Like today when he said he trusts me but not completely. That hurt. And how is any relationship supposed to work if there isnt trust? I can understand why he struggles with trust, just like I do but it doesnt stop it hurting. Particularly when I try so hard to trust him completely. I have always believed that in a relationship that you trust eachother even more than you trust your friends and yet he has openly admitted that there are others he trusts more. Though considering we have only ever met online thats a fair call. But there is a part of me that cannot be consoled by these explanations.
I have also realised that I have feelings for someone else, though I know that is not going to happen or go anywhere. I thought I was over him but I am obviously not and I worry its not fair on Kyle. I want to be over this guy but I dont know how to be. The feelings I have for him are not as strong as they were and like I said its not going to go anywhere - he sees me as a friend and that it - thats all he will ever see me as.
I feel guilty now, I promised that I would be honest here and write what is on my mind - just like I would a dairy. But I also know that Kyle reads this and I feel guilty that he is going learn this stuff this way. But I know that if I avoid writing stuff now then I wull always and then there isnt any point to this blog. So Kyle if you read this I am sorry - I do care for you I just am full of questions and doubt right now.
Kyle is hardly the only thing causing me to feel like I am overwhelmed, in fact mostly he is a nice part of my routine (as in getting up early to talk to him - time differences can be such a pain). The reason I am going off about this now is two reasons
1. We just had the conversation about trust just before I started writing this.
2. Its easier to write about than some of the other stuff.
I am really good at avoiding anything that is tough, even with my psychologist (Margaret) which I know is not productive, but its almost unconcious - I reckognise myself doing it but I cant stop it. I guess its a form of protecting myself. I have spent years building walls to stop me feeling what I went through - from knowing about it. To have someone push me to now face those things is terrifying on the deepest level.
I dont know what you guys know or have experienced with councelling but even when the psychologist or councellor know what the problem is its not always best to get straight to the point - often that does more harm than good. I have been seeing Margaret for 3 years and up until now we have barely touched on what happened - just acknowledged it really. But that doesnt mean the past 3 years have been wasted or unproductive - the oppsite is true.
What Margaret and I have been working on have been a few things
1. Trust - I cannot start to open up about stuff that is painful and scary if I dont trust her. My alts need to trust her to because they carry memories even more than I do and they need to work through them too.
2. Not all Secrets should be kept - this is related to the trust issue. But for a long time I was told that the abuse was a secret and I had to keep it. This is where the 7yo comes in - she makes sure that not too much is shared and will often come out if I try to share too much. The 7yo is the keeper of secrets and she is very good at it. She has agreed to let us talk to Margaret about later events (there have been a couple of times when I was "taken advantage of" "attacked" etc - I dont know how to say it without saying the r word.) These are things that happened on a one off basis and were later in life. She still doesnt trust Margaret (or anyone) enough to go into what happened when I was growing up. And so in the next couple of weeks Margaret wants to start talking about those events. More about that later.
3. Making sure I am in a stable place - It would be dangerous to try and work through things that are going to be upsetting and difficult when my everyday life is not going well or full of stress - that would be a great way to lose it or break down. So over the last 3 years Margaret has helped me with the day to day stuff so that I would be in a better place to work on the harder stuff. This included stopping me cutting, stopping the 8yo cutting - which was going well till recent events - it also meant helping me come to terms with the fact that I have DID. When I first found out I was terrified, I wanted to push them away or pretend they didnt exist. I wanted to make them go away. Now days I am mostly greatful for them, and I love them though I struggle to see them as part of myself which Margaret keeps pushing.
4. Dealing with the symtoms of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and depression; the other things I have been diagonsed with. PTSD sysmtoms include: panic attacks (which I have mostly under control), nightmares (which while better than they were are still there and bad), dealing with groups of people (I am hopeless at) etc. There are alot of other symtoms and different people have different symtoms. These arent all the ones I have had but they are probably the main ones I have been working on with Maragret. Depression - when I fist saw Margaret I was depressed and was so for a long time. Now I dont think I am depressed - I have bad times and I get overwhelmed and want give up but I have enough happy days in between to know that its not a real depression. I can smile when Charlie (my dog) does something silly. This lets me know I am not depressed though I do go through bouts where I feel down enough to be depressed but they dont last long enough anymore to fit that daignoses.
So thats mainly what I have been working on with Margaret and will continue to do so even when we do start to actually talk about the abuse and later events.
As I mentioned earlier Margaret wants to start to talk more and get into the stuff about the later events. I think she wants to get into the earlier abuse too but the 7yo wont let her yet and she is hoping that by seeing the process with the later stuff the 7yo will be more open to let us discuss the earlier abuse.
I think this is part of the reason things have been so out of control lately - I think we scared about it. I think that is part of the reason the 8yo is playing up etc. I also think being sick and tired has alot to do with it too. I hope I get some answers soon. I had to move my appointment from the 27th to the 29th as something came up that I couldnt change. Its frustrating because I want to get answers now. I want to feel better.
I wish I had someone who could be here with me, who understood me and could wrap their arms around me and tell me it will be ok. Who will be there for me and help me get through everything. I am so tired, I wish I had someone to lean on right now. and now I am back to where I started.
I feel so alone.
Kyle, the guy in the UK that I mentioned a few posts back, he told me he had a dream about me in which he saw me trip over. I think its a good metphor for how I have been feeling lately.
He has been on my mind alot lately. I have been wondering if its the right thing. I am beginning to think we would be better off as friends. I dont know. I do like him but I dont know. I know cares alot but I also keep getting hurt by him, not in a major way just little bits - but enough that its really hard to stay open to him. Like today when he said he trusts me but not completely. That hurt. And how is any relationship supposed to work if there isnt trust? I can understand why he struggles with trust, just like I do but it doesnt stop it hurting. Particularly when I try so hard to trust him completely. I have always believed that in a relationship that you trust eachother even more than you trust your friends and yet he has openly admitted that there are others he trusts more. Though considering we have only ever met online thats a fair call. But there is a part of me that cannot be consoled by these explanations.
I have also realised that I have feelings for someone else, though I know that is not going to happen or go anywhere. I thought I was over him but I am obviously not and I worry its not fair on Kyle. I want to be over this guy but I dont know how to be. The feelings I have for him are not as strong as they were and like I said its not going to go anywhere - he sees me as a friend and that it - thats all he will ever see me as.
I feel guilty now, I promised that I would be honest here and write what is on my mind - just like I would a dairy. But I also know that Kyle reads this and I feel guilty that he is going learn this stuff this way. But I know that if I avoid writing stuff now then I wull always and then there isnt any point to this blog. So Kyle if you read this I am sorry - I do care for you I just am full of questions and doubt right now.
Kyle is hardly the only thing causing me to feel like I am overwhelmed, in fact mostly he is a nice part of my routine (as in getting up early to talk to him - time differences can be such a pain). The reason I am going off about this now is two reasons
1. We just had the conversation about trust just before I started writing this.
2. Its easier to write about than some of the other stuff.
I am really good at avoiding anything that is tough, even with my psychologist (Margaret) which I know is not productive, but its almost unconcious - I reckognise myself doing it but I cant stop it. I guess its a form of protecting myself. I have spent years building walls to stop me feeling what I went through - from knowing about it. To have someone push me to now face those things is terrifying on the deepest level.
I dont know what you guys know or have experienced with councelling but even when the psychologist or councellor know what the problem is its not always best to get straight to the point - often that does more harm than good. I have been seeing Margaret for 3 years and up until now we have barely touched on what happened - just acknowledged it really. But that doesnt mean the past 3 years have been wasted or unproductive - the oppsite is true.
What Margaret and I have been working on have been a few things
1. Trust - I cannot start to open up about stuff that is painful and scary if I dont trust her. My alts need to trust her to because they carry memories even more than I do and they need to work through them too.
2. Not all Secrets should be kept - this is related to the trust issue. But for a long time I was told that the abuse was a secret and I had to keep it. This is where the 7yo comes in - she makes sure that not too much is shared and will often come out if I try to share too much. The 7yo is the keeper of secrets and she is very good at it. She has agreed to let us talk to Margaret about later events (there have been a couple of times when I was "taken advantage of" "attacked" etc - I dont know how to say it without saying the r word.) These are things that happened on a one off basis and were later in life. She still doesnt trust Margaret (or anyone) enough to go into what happened when I was growing up. And so in the next couple of weeks Margaret wants to start talking about those events. More about that later.
3. Making sure I am in a stable place - It would be dangerous to try and work through things that are going to be upsetting and difficult when my everyday life is not going well or full of stress - that would be a great way to lose it or break down. So over the last 3 years Margaret has helped me with the day to day stuff so that I would be in a better place to work on the harder stuff. This included stopping me cutting, stopping the 8yo cutting - which was going well till recent events - it also meant helping me come to terms with the fact that I have DID. When I first found out I was terrified, I wanted to push them away or pretend they didnt exist. I wanted to make them go away. Now days I am mostly greatful for them, and I love them though I struggle to see them as part of myself which Margaret keeps pushing.
4. Dealing with the symtoms of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and depression; the other things I have been diagonsed with. PTSD sysmtoms include: panic attacks (which I have mostly under control), nightmares (which while better than they were are still there and bad), dealing with groups of people (I am hopeless at) etc. There are alot of other symtoms and different people have different symtoms. These arent all the ones I have had but they are probably the main ones I have been working on with Maragret. Depression - when I fist saw Margaret I was depressed and was so for a long time. Now I dont think I am depressed - I have bad times and I get overwhelmed and want give up but I have enough happy days in between to know that its not a real depression. I can smile when Charlie (my dog) does something silly. This lets me know I am not depressed though I do go through bouts where I feel down enough to be depressed but they dont last long enough anymore to fit that daignoses.
So thats mainly what I have been working on with Margaret and will continue to do so even when we do start to actually talk about the abuse and later events.
As I mentioned earlier Margaret wants to start to talk more and get into the stuff about the later events. I think she wants to get into the earlier abuse too but the 7yo wont let her yet and she is hoping that by seeing the process with the later stuff the 7yo will be more open to let us discuss the earlier abuse.
I think this is part of the reason things have been so out of control lately - I think we scared about it. I think that is part of the reason the 8yo is playing up etc. I also think being sick and tired has alot to do with it too. I hope I get some answers soon. I had to move my appointment from the 27th to the 29th as something came up that I couldnt change. Its frustrating because I want to get answers now. I want to feel better.
I wish I had someone who could be here with me, who understood me and could wrap their arms around me and tell me it will be ok. Who will be there for me and help me get through everything. I am so tired, I wish I had someone to lean on right now. and now I am back to where I started.
I feel so alone.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Overwhelmed
I told Jazzie that she could get my hair cut in a new style but I backed out at the last minute - she and I have very different tastes. She decided to go ahead with it anyway. So now my hair -which used to be long (to bottom of my shoulder blades) - is now really short, my half fringe is now a full fringe and its just really different. To give her credit she did get it cut in a way that suits me, both my look and personality. I just cant get used to it. Its so different!
I guess I just feel overwhelmed with my alts lately, there are so many ones who I had no idea about who have come to light (Sasha, Torry, Jazzie, Elsie, Shadow). And then there is the older 8yo who is out of control. Someone inside (or multiple inside) have been buying things with out permission. Rules are just generally being broken. Then there was last night - which wasnt any of their fault but I just hate feeling like I have to no control.
I feel like I am drowning with DID, and uni and obligations to friends, bible study and family. But I dont know how to stop. How to break down and just let someone else deal with the crap. I want to cry, I want to let it out but I dont know how and the tears just wont come.
All I seem to be able to do is keep getting up and doing the things that need doing. Constantly feeling more tired and like I am not doing the best I can - which I am not because I am not at my best. I am just so damn tired.
I guess I just feel overwhelmed with my alts lately, there are so many ones who I had no idea about who have come to light (Sasha, Torry, Jazzie, Elsie, Shadow). And then there is the older 8yo who is out of control. Someone inside (or multiple inside) have been buying things with out permission. Rules are just generally being broken. Then there was last night - which wasnt any of their fault but I just hate feeling like I have to no control.
I feel like I am drowning with DID, and uni and obligations to friends, bible study and family. But I dont know how to stop. How to break down and just let someone else deal with the crap. I want to cry, I want to let it out but I dont know how and the tears just wont come.
All I seem to be able to do is keep getting up and doing the things that need doing. Constantly feeling more tired and like I am not doing the best I can - which I am not because I am not at my best. I am just so damn tired.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Bible Studies and music
The girls bible study went really well - it challenged me and that is totally awsome. It made me want to spend more time considering what I am reading - I want to try and learn more, with that in mind I have made a second blog which I am going to record what I am learning what is challenging me and my questions etc. You can check it out here if you are interested. I decided to do it as a blog because whenever I have tried to keep a journal I have failed but I have done better with this blog so I am hoping the same will be for my Christian blog.
Tonight I went to the normal bible study (both boys and girls) we started on 1 Cornithians which is interesting but something in it must have triggered me because I switched. I only recently came to myself and I have no idea how I got home or what happened at the end of that bible study which is making me nervous. Not everyone at the bible study knows I have DID and it could have been ackward. I will call Sarah tomorrow, who knows about DID and who goes to my bible study - she usually drives me there and home so she should know what happens and if I need to go on damage control
I am not listening to music to calm me down. 3 songs in particular:
Missy Higgins; "Scar" - this one I have been obessed with for the past 2 weeks. Its an amazing song with really meaningful lyrics and I suggest it to anyone.
The other two are both by Lady Antebellum - who I only recently came across by accident. the group is good I really think they are talented and are good at what they do
"Need You Now" - this song I have been listening to all day. Not sure why but I get like that particularly if something is bothering me
"I Run to You" - I love this music video, you need to watch it carefully but it is beautiful in a simplistic way. Very powerful and I good song too. You can check it on YouTube here.
Tonight I went to the normal bible study (both boys and girls) we started on 1 Cornithians which is interesting but something in it must have triggered me because I switched. I only recently came to myself and I have no idea how I got home or what happened at the end of that bible study which is making me nervous. Not everyone at the bible study knows I have DID and it could have been ackward. I will call Sarah tomorrow, who knows about DID and who goes to my bible study - she usually drives me there and home so she should know what happens and if I need to go on damage control
I am not listening to music to calm me down. 3 songs in particular:
Missy Higgins; "Scar" - this one I have been obessed with for the past 2 weeks. Its an amazing song with really meaningful lyrics and I suggest it to anyone.
The other two are both by Lady Antebellum - who I only recently came across by accident. the group is good I really think they are talented and are good at what they do
"Need You Now" - this song I have been listening to all day. Not sure why but I get like that particularly if something is bothering me
"I Run to You" - I love this music video, you need to watch it carefully but it is beautiful in a simplistic way. Very powerful and I good song too. You can check it on YouTube here.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
More Art
Im feeling much better and looking forward to the girls bible study tonight, bit nervous about having so many people over when things have been so crazy and up and down but I think it will be good. There are only a maxamium of 7 girls so that shouldnt be to bad. I have the house cleaned up and Sarah is bring around snacks.
This has to be a short post cause I am working on uni work - I am doing this on a quick break. but I wanted to let you know I am doing better.
What happen with that guy was mostly a misunderstanding, he is caring and very sweet and for now I think we are just going to take things slow and see what happens. I am not sure how it will work but if its meant to be it will happen. No matter what I am greatful for his friendship.
I was also right that it was the older 8yo who came out and messed up the place - Stacy now has her in her room and she is being told she needs to learn to deal with her anger constructively. She did break all of our eggs in the backyard as Sunshine and Shadows suggested (which Charlie, my Cavalier King Charles Spaniel cross really enjoyed :p) I am not sure if that helped or not - but thanks for the advice!
She and her little sister (the younger 8yo) did some painting to and I have permission to share a couple peices with you.
The older 8yo did these 2:
The younger 8yo did the following picture as well as some others which she doesnt wish to share
I think the older 8yos painting are expressions of her anger and want to cut but I cant be sure - thats just my guess. The younger 8yo often paints things that she finds calming, sunsets, water, animals etc. this is a good example I guess.
This has to be a short post cause I am working on uni work - I am doing this on a quick break. but I wanted to let you know I am doing better.
What happen with that guy was mostly a misunderstanding, he is caring and very sweet and for now I think we are just going to take things slow and see what happens. I am not sure how it will work but if its meant to be it will happen. No matter what I am greatful for his friendship.
I was also right that it was the older 8yo who came out and messed up the place - Stacy now has her in her room and she is being told she needs to learn to deal with her anger constructively. She did break all of our eggs in the backyard as Sunshine and Shadows suggested (which Charlie, my Cavalier King Charles Spaniel cross really enjoyed :p) I am not sure if that helped or not - but thanks for the advice!
She and her little sister (the younger 8yo) did some painting to and I have permission to share a couple peices with you.
The older 8yo did these 2:
The younger 8yo did the following picture as well as some others which she doesnt wish to share
I think the older 8yos painting are expressions of her anger and want to cut but I cant be sure - thats just my guess. The younger 8yo often paints things that she finds calming, sunsets, water, animals etc. this is a good example I guess.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
triggered
I am triggered bad. I cant stop shaking. I have to focus completly to breath properly. dont know how to make it stop. I just want to cry. but I cant.
Not good. Not good. Not good. Not good.
I feel so alone and empty. All I can hear is his words. See what he did.
Not good. Not good. Not good. Not good.
I feel so alone and empty. All I can hear is his words. See what he did.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Hurt
So I lost pretty much all of today and who ever was out was in a distructive mood - the house is trashed, stuff is broken, I have been cut and a stuffed toy has been killed - there is stuffing spread through out the house. Luckly its not one of the toys that have any special meaning to me or the littles. But it is till a teddy that was given to the littles by Aaron. The 4yo particularly liked it - she isnt going to be happy.
No one is admitting who it was though I am fairly sure it was the older 8yo - she is the only one I know who tends to like distruction. I have had a look around and other than the teddy there doesnt seem to be too much broken which is something, I guess. I will need to spend tomorrow cleaning.
At least this time I am not totally clueless as to why I lost time. Suprise, suprise it was over a boy. I feel stupid for letting him get to me. For the first time since Aaron (my ex fiancee) broke up with me I started to trust a guy a bit, enough to let him in. Why did I think he was any different?
I started to have feelings for him, though I recognised that nothing could happen anytime soon, he lives in the UK and is quite a bit younger than I am. But I felt given a couple of years something could actually happen. He wants to move to Australia one day so ... I dont know, doesnt matter now.
Anyway, I found out he was supposedly feeling the same way. We talk about it for a bit. We talked about my fears of being hurt and having trouble with relationships. We talked about his fears. I mentioned why it would be hard to try it now, but before I could even mention maybe later he said "I don't want it to work. It can't." I am suprised how much that hurt. I am so pathetic. I wanted him to want me, I wanted to be worth fighting for. But I guess i just have too much baggage to deal with - too many problems. I guess I dont blame him, its not his fault I am screwed up.
The stupid thing is I want to be with someone, I miss the hugs and having someone who is just there for you when you feel like crap. Having somone to laugh at jokes with, you know the jokes no one else gets but they do because you have experienced so much together and know eachother that well. Someone to curl up on the lounge and watch TV with at night. And yet I am scared of letting a guy get close to me. I am terrified of getting hurt that way again. In some ways its harder than the abuse and crap because when you get hurt like that its by someone you trust never to hurt you - its someone you chose to let in and get close to you because you truely believe they love you as much as you love them.
Prehaps I am just naive. prehaps love like I am looking for doesnt exist. Or prehaps I just dont deserve it. I mean I must have done something majorly wrong to have all this crap happen. Maybe to be used and hurt by men is all I am good for.
I think I should stop writing now.
No one is admitting who it was though I am fairly sure it was the older 8yo - she is the only one I know who tends to like distruction. I have had a look around and other than the teddy there doesnt seem to be too much broken which is something, I guess. I will need to spend tomorrow cleaning.
At least this time I am not totally clueless as to why I lost time. Suprise, suprise it was over a boy. I feel stupid for letting him get to me. For the first time since Aaron (my ex fiancee) broke up with me I started to trust a guy a bit, enough to let him in. Why did I think he was any different?
I started to have feelings for him, though I recognised that nothing could happen anytime soon, he lives in the UK and is quite a bit younger than I am. But I felt given a couple of years something could actually happen. He wants to move to Australia one day so ... I dont know, doesnt matter now.
Anyway, I found out he was supposedly feeling the same way. We talk about it for a bit. We talked about my fears of being hurt and having trouble with relationships. We talked about his fears. I mentioned why it would be hard to try it now, but before I could even mention maybe later he said "I don't want it to work. It can't." I am suprised how much that hurt. I am so pathetic. I wanted him to want me, I wanted to be worth fighting for. But I guess i just have too much baggage to deal with - too many problems. I guess I dont blame him, its not his fault I am screwed up.
The stupid thing is I want to be with someone, I miss the hugs and having someone who is just there for you when you feel like crap. Having somone to laugh at jokes with, you know the jokes no one else gets but they do because you have experienced so much together and know eachother that well. Someone to curl up on the lounge and watch TV with at night. And yet I am scared of letting a guy get close to me. I am terrified of getting hurt that way again. In some ways its harder than the abuse and crap because when you get hurt like that its by someone you trust never to hurt you - its someone you chose to let in and get close to you because you truely believe they love you as much as you love them.
Prehaps I am just naive. prehaps love like I am looking for doesnt exist. Or prehaps I just dont deserve it. I mean I must have done something majorly wrong to have all this crap happen. Maybe to be used and hurt by men is all I am good for.
I think I should stop writing now.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Update - a Good Day
Had a good day today. Went to town with a friend (Cat), we went to Annies a shop that makes its own ice cream. It is so good! I had to fight the little ones not to come out - they love Annies, but the friend I was with doesnt know about them and would have been rather shocked if suddenly I acted like a 4yo!
We went shopping then she dropped me home. We are going to organise a girls night for the 29th April, which should be fun - just 4 of us so nothing to big.
I still dont really understand why I lost a week however I am not so paniced about it now. I am still stressed about uni and have decided to take the next two weeks off WoW (World of Warcraft) to try and focus more. But I am struggling to get more than an hour a day done. I am just so tired all the time and cant focus.
I have a doctors appointment for the 27th April and I am really hoping to get some answers. I actually want there to be something wrong - I know that sounds a bit strange but if they cant find anything they cant do anything about it. I am hoping that my doctor can diagnose me and treat me. That is what I have told my friends to pray for.
On a more postive note my house is looking more and more like a home and less like a storage facility filled with boxes! It feels safe and comfortable and my alts seem very comfortable here too. Everyone I have invited in has commented on how welcoming and nice the place is. I only moved in on Christmas eve (2009) and while I guess thats a while what with everything else it has taken time to get organised. I am still not there yet but as I said its getting there.
My bible study group has organised to do an extra bible study night - where the girls go to one place and the boys another. This is really awesome for me because I have found that I havent been going to bible study on a Wednesday night because I cant handle the group of people - its just too large for me at the moment (its about 15 people) and upsets Natalie. Plus the 6,7 & little 8 yo dont like some of the men who attend.
The girls bible study starts on Tuesday night. It was going to be at Sarah's house but she gets the keys to her new house on Monday and so both houses will be in disarray. So I offered to have it here (after consulting my alts) at least for this coming week. If it goes well I am going to talk to Sarah about it staying at my house. I have trouble going out at night and if its here it will be harder for me to get out of it. My alts feel safer here and are ok with the girls coming over (Just no boys! - from 7 & little 8 yo). We are going to be studying Displines of a Godly Woman but Barabra Hughes - you can check it out here.
I had a really interesting chat with Cat today about having trouble living as a Christian in the real world. We both have a lot of friends who arent Christians and while they know we are they dont really want to be pressured about religion which is fine with us. But we both recognise that we act differently around them to our Christian friends. Not that we act un-christian, more that we cant be open with our Christian friends because we are worried about being judged by them. Which is crazy because Christians are supposed to be loving and unjudgemental and yet I find I have to justify myself more with my Christian friends than anyone else.
I also question parts of Christianity, in the core I am a Christian - I believe Jesus lived and died and rose again to save me and everyone from their sins. However I struggle with the idea of homosexuality being sinful. I have friends who are gay, one of who is married to her partner (another girl). How is wanting to love and commit to one person wrong just because they are the same sex to you? It is questions like this that make me wonder if Christianity is truely real. How can a religion that promotes love everyone and do not judge be one of the most judgemental places of all? But then maybe that is what people have made Christianity and not what god intended. I dont know.
We went shopping then she dropped me home. We are going to organise a girls night for the 29th April, which should be fun - just 4 of us so nothing to big.
I still dont really understand why I lost a week however I am not so paniced about it now. I am still stressed about uni and have decided to take the next two weeks off WoW (World of Warcraft) to try and focus more. But I am struggling to get more than an hour a day done. I am just so tired all the time and cant focus.
I have a doctors appointment for the 27th April and I am really hoping to get some answers. I actually want there to be something wrong - I know that sounds a bit strange but if they cant find anything they cant do anything about it. I am hoping that my doctor can diagnose me and treat me. That is what I have told my friends to pray for.
On a more postive note my house is looking more and more like a home and less like a storage facility filled with boxes! It feels safe and comfortable and my alts seem very comfortable here too. Everyone I have invited in has commented on how welcoming and nice the place is. I only moved in on Christmas eve (2009) and while I guess thats a while what with everything else it has taken time to get organised. I am still not there yet but as I said its getting there.
My bible study group has organised to do an extra bible study night - where the girls go to one place and the boys another. This is really awesome for me because I have found that I havent been going to bible study on a Wednesday night because I cant handle the group of people - its just too large for me at the moment (its about 15 people) and upsets Natalie. Plus the 6,7 & little 8 yo dont like some of the men who attend.
The girls bible study starts on Tuesday night. It was going to be at Sarah's house but she gets the keys to her new house on Monday and so both houses will be in disarray. So I offered to have it here (after consulting my alts) at least for this coming week. If it goes well I am going to talk to Sarah about it staying at my house. I have trouble going out at night and if its here it will be harder for me to get out of it. My alts feel safer here and are ok with the girls coming over (Just no boys! - from 7 & little 8 yo). We are going to be studying Displines of a Godly Woman but Barabra Hughes - you can check it out here.
I had a really interesting chat with Cat today about having trouble living as a Christian in the real world. We both have a lot of friends who arent Christians and while they know we are they dont really want to be pressured about religion which is fine with us. But we both recognise that we act differently around them to our Christian friends. Not that we act un-christian, more that we cant be open with our Christian friends because we are worried about being judged by them. Which is crazy because Christians are supposed to be loving and unjudgemental and yet I find I have to justify myself more with my Christian friends than anyone else.
I also question parts of Christianity, in the core I am a Christian - I believe Jesus lived and died and rose again to save me and everyone from their sins. However I struggle with the idea of homosexuality being sinful. I have friends who are gay, one of who is married to her partner (another girl). How is wanting to love and commit to one person wrong just because they are the same sex to you? It is questions like this that make me wonder if Christianity is truely real. How can a religion that promotes love everyone and do not judge be one of the most judgemental places of all? But then maybe that is what people have made Christianity and not what god intended. I dont know.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Time Lost
So I lost the better part of this week. I am not entirely sure whats going and and its making me panic like crazy. The biggest problem is I cant hear anyone inside at the moment.
I think when I am paniced or in a bad place I put my "walls" up again and block my alters out. I am behind on uni and was hoping to spend the last week studying. Now my parents are coming to visit ANZAC weekend (24-25 April) and the house is a mess and so I have to get it organised before then.
I have another Assessment due the second week in May and its even bigger than the first and I have bearly started.
I am doing my best not to stress out but I am failing.
Ahh!
I think when I am paniced or in a bad place I put my "walls" up again and block my alters out. I am behind on uni and was hoping to spend the last week studying. Now my parents are coming to visit ANZAC weekend (24-25 April) and the house is a mess and so I have to get it organised before then.
I have another Assessment due the second week in May and its even bigger than the first and I have bearly started.
I am doing my best not to stress out but I am failing.
Ahh!
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Triggered
Its been a crazy weekend. I didnt do anything special to celebrate Easter - though I did take the time to thank God - since that is what Easter is about. For the most part I missed most of the weekend. I have been losing alot of time and been really triggered lately but I am not sure about what.
Its been getting so bad that SH has been on my mind again, I hate even admitting it since its been at least 2 years since I have. I thought I was past this. I hate that I dont even know what is triggering me.
I have considered the possibility that maybe its someone inside getting triggered and its affecting me hense why I cant figure out what is causing it. What ever it is I hope it settles soon.
It is really upsetting my sleep and so I am not getting as much as I was but I am still sick so my energy levels are worst than ever and now I have a splitting headache. Why cant things just go well for me?!
I dont know that I want to post this but I decided I was going to be honest as possible on this blog and not posting this seems to be as bad as lying so here it is.
Its been getting so bad that SH has been on my mind again, I hate even admitting it since its been at least 2 years since I have. I thought I was past this. I hate that I dont even know what is triggering me.
I have considered the possibility that maybe its someone inside getting triggered and its affecting me hense why I cant figure out what is causing it. What ever it is I hope it settles soon.
It is really upsetting my sleep and so I am not getting as much as I was but I am still sick so my energy levels are worst than ever and now I have a splitting headache. Why cant things just go well for me?!
I dont know that I want to post this but I decided I was going to be honest as possible on this blog and not posting this seems to be as bad as lying so here it is.
Friday, April 2, 2010
Misdiagnosis - Skitzophrenia vs DID
Thursday is the day I visit my psychologist. I cannot say enough how lucky I am to have found someone who can help me and my alters. There are alot of therapists and psychologists who dont know how to deal with DID. Some just dont believe it exists. There alot of misdiagnosis - usually saying DID is skitzophrenia.
Let me try and explain the differences between skitzophrenia and dissociative Identity disorder:
DID is a way with coping with trauma, usually sexual abuse. A young mind breaks off apart of themselves to deal with the memories, the on going trauma, the emotions etc. This is basicly how alters created, they deal with what our minds couldnt cope with at the time. However each alter is a part of the host.
skitzophrenia is a mental illness, its a chemical imbalance in the brain. Skitzophrenia actually destories brain tissue. There are a number of symtoms one of the most common is hearing voices. This is where the misdiagnosis comes in. However the voices a person with Skitzophrenia hear are not parts of themselves. ANd usually they believe these voices are coming from outside influences.
I saw alot of psychologists and councellors before Margaret (my current psychologist) but while I went to them to help me with what I had been through I did not tell them about the DID. It took me over a year with Margaret to trust her enough to tell her about my alts.
I was terrified that if a doctor or councellor found out they would have me locked up in a hospital - have me committed. I have a large fear of hospitals - not quite phobia I have managed to enter them without having full blown panic attacks at the door - but they are a place I try to avoid - at all costs.
Luckly Margaret reckonised it for what it was, and has been able to help me with it alot - despite how good I am at avoiding. I have a habit of steering the conversation away from anything to painful. Funnily enough I cant actually say what happened to me without trouble if I trust a person. But when I do I tell it like its a story I dont connect with it within myself. I just say the words. I never let myslef feel the pain.
Part of therapy is to visit that pain in small doses to learn how to handle it. I am just starting to get to this stage in my therapy - first I had to establish trust and make sure I was in a stable place. Which I am for the most part - uni assessments dont help. Another part of therapy was learning how to deal with results of trauma - the symtoms of PTSD. the panic attacks, the fear, the nightmares.
I can handle panic attacks now - it took a long time but now I can focus concentrate on my breathing and calm myself just enough before I am hit with a panic attack. I still panic and it is still hard when I am triggered but I dont go into a full blown panic attack.
Nightmares are harder, but in some ways I am doing better with this than 2 years ago. For a long time a good nights sleep was 4 hours max, nightmares where a constant thing every night. Now I can get a full nights sleep, and sometimes go 3 or 4 nights without a nightmare. However it comes and goes in waves. there are times when I will only get a 1 or 2 nightmares a week and they are fairly easy to manage. Then there are times when the nightmares come back every night worse than ever, alters and myself are triggered really badly and our body remembers. But with time and work with Margaret I hope the bad nights are further and further apart.
Fear - it is still very much apart of my life, not just fear of being hurt again, but fear of rejection from people. Fear of large groups of people or loud noises. Fear of how people will react if I switch and an alter comes out. Fear of never being loved.
This is probably the biggest thing I am focusing on at the moment - trying to get past my fears.
Let me try and explain the differences between skitzophrenia and dissociative Identity disorder:
DID is a way with coping with trauma, usually sexual abuse. A young mind breaks off apart of themselves to deal with the memories, the on going trauma, the emotions etc. This is basicly how alters created, they deal with what our minds couldnt cope with at the time. However each alter is a part of the host.
skitzophrenia is a mental illness, its a chemical imbalance in the brain. Skitzophrenia actually destories brain tissue. There are a number of symtoms one of the most common is hearing voices. This is where the misdiagnosis comes in. However the voices a person with Skitzophrenia hear are not parts of themselves. ANd usually they believe these voices are coming from outside influences.
I saw alot of psychologists and councellors before Margaret (my current psychologist) but while I went to them to help me with what I had been through I did not tell them about the DID. It took me over a year with Margaret to trust her enough to tell her about my alts.
I was terrified that if a doctor or councellor found out they would have me locked up in a hospital - have me committed. I have a large fear of hospitals - not quite phobia I have managed to enter them without having full blown panic attacks at the door - but they are a place I try to avoid - at all costs.
Luckly Margaret reckonised it for what it was, and has been able to help me with it alot - despite how good I am at avoiding. I have a habit of steering the conversation away from anything to painful. Funnily enough I cant actually say what happened to me without trouble if I trust a person. But when I do I tell it like its a story I dont connect with it within myself. I just say the words. I never let myslef feel the pain.
Part of therapy is to visit that pain in small doses to learn how to handle it. I am just starting to get to this stage in my therapy - first I had to establish trust and make sure I was in a stable place. Which I am for the most part - uni assessments dont help. Another part of therapy was learning how to deal with results of trauma - the symtoms of PTSD. the panic attacks, the fear, the nightmares.
I can handle panic attacks now - it took a long time but now I can focus concentrate on my breathing and calm myself just enough before I am hit with a panic attack. I still panic and it is still hard when I am triggered but I dont go into a full blown panic attack.
Nightmares are harder, but in some ways I am doing better with this than 2 years ago. For a long time a good nights sleep was 4 hours max, nightmares where a constant thing every night. Now I can get a full nights sleep, and sometimes go 3 or 4 nights without a nightmare. However it comes and goes in waves. there are times when I will only get a 1 or 2 nightmares a week and they are fairly easy to manage. Then there are times when the nightmares come back every night worse than ever, alters and myself are triggered really badly and our body remembers. But with time and work with Margaret I hope the bad nights are further and further apart.
Fear - it is still very much apart of my life, not just fear of being hurt again, but fear of rejection from people. Fear of large groups of people or loud noises. Fear of how people will react if I switch and an alter comes out. Fear of never being loved.
This is probably the biggest thing I am focusing on at the moment - trying to get past my fears.
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