Home again and crashing...

It has been a very long tiring week and I fear I am crashing both  emotionally and with the Chronic Fatigue, because of it.

I am now back home after 14 hours of travelling over the past 3 days, the reason for so much travelling is that I had to make an extra trip for Ann's funeral which was on Tuesday. The funeral was very well done, and a beautiful reflection on Ann's full life and the love she shared with so many friends and family. I found the wake harder than the funeral - there were a lot of people and I was expected to be involved in all that small chit chat with people I barely knew (I didn't know a lot of Ann's friends and have never been close to her family bar Judith).

Now that I am finally home and I am alone, I am starting to come apart after holding it together since Ann's death. I am physically exhausted and my body  is aching a lot, I know I have pushed myself to far this week physically and adding the emotional stress of it all I am not surprised that the Chronic Fatigue is hitting me hard today. I tried to take plenty of breaks and rest but I did do too much.

Emotionally I feel numb, too tired to feel much more. However at the same time I am uptight and anxious and I am just feeling generally negative at this moment. I feel disappointed in myself too considering how well I have been doing and how positive I have been despite the sad events.

I recognise that it is okay to feel this way and I just need to take some time and take gentle care of myself in the mean time. However I have this fear that now I am home I will settle back into some old habits of last year and just give in to the Chronic Fatigue and feeling down again. Don't get me wrong -  am glad to be home, to sleep in my own bed, to be able to follow sleeping routines and other healthy habits I have at home that are harder to follow when I am away. But I am scared of the bad habits I have here too, I am already overwhelmed by the amount that I need to do around the house and I am feeling dreadfully alone in having to handle getting it done.

Its been far too long...

Wow its been a very long time since I have posted. Everyday I think I should update that its been while & then I dont do it immediately & the thought slips away. I hadn't realised how long it really had been until I logged on this morning.

I am still struggling with Chronic Fatigue. I sleep more than I am awake and even when I am awake I feel like I should be in bed sleeping. It is frustrating and leaves me feeling very negative. Last week I was checking Post Secret and found a secret that I really related to:

It summed up how I have been feeling for the past few months so well that I wanted to cry. I have been watching friends graduate from university, getting married, having babies, starting families, traveling - all the while getting out of bed feels like a huge accomplishment! I know I shouldn't compare myself to others - every persons journey is different and life isn't a race. However my life feels so empty and I feel so helpless to change it.

Since seeing it I have been trying to figure out how I can give my life more meaning while I have Chronic Fatigue. I am still working on it but one thing I wanted to do was revive this blog - to me its something, a way to reach out to the world, I guess.

The things getting me through has been my online friends - mostly from the gaming world and music. I rarely don't have music filling my home - so many different artists and genres that I cannot begin to list.


Other Updates:

Rascal is a healthy little cat who is growing up so fast. After that horrible night I was able to take him home & he recovered quite fast. He still takes after his name.

Charlie is still the loving little dog he has always been. He gets over excited and jumps all the time - I feel bad for him - I have no energy to take him for walks - some days I struggle to walk to my back gate. But his love and forgiveness has no end - I think we sometimes should take a leaf out of a dogs book and maybe we would have a kinder, more loving world.

Alts and DID - still here and still apart of my everyday life, but a full update will have to wait - hopefully tomorrow.