It has been a very long tiring week and I fear I am crashing both emotionally and with the Chronic Fatigue, because of it.
I am now back home after 14 hours of travelling over the past 3 days, the reason for so much travelling is that I had to make an extra trip for Ann's funeral which was on Tuesday. The funeral was very well done, and a beautiful reflection on Ann's full life and the love she shared with so many friends and family. I found the wake harder than the funeral - there were a lot of people and I was expected to be involved in all that small chit chat with people I barely knew (I didn't know a lot of Ann's friends and have never been close to her family bar Judith).
Now that I am finally home and I am alone, I am starting to come apart after holding it together since Ann's death. I am physically exhausted and my body is aching a lot, I know I have pushed myself to far this week physically and adding the emotional stress of it all I am not surprised that the Chronic Fatigue is hitting me hard today. I tried to take plenty of breaks and rest but I did do too much.
Emotionally I feel numb, too tired to feel much more. However at the same time I am uptight and anxious and I am just feeling generally negative at this moment. I feel disappointed in myself too considering how well I have been doing and how positive I have been despite the sad events.
I recognise that it is okay to feel this way and I just need to take some time and take gentle care of myself in the mean time. However I have this fear that now I am home I will settle back into some old habits of last year and just give in to the Chronic Fatigue and feeling down again. Don't get me wrong - am glad to be home, to sleep in my own bed, to be able to follow sleeping routines and other healthy habits I have at home that are harder to follow when I am away. But I am scared of the bad habits I have here too, I am already overwhelmed by the amount that I need to do around the house and I am feeling dreadfully alone in having to handle getting it done.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
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3 comments:
*hugs* I am quite exhausted but watned you to know I was reading and thinking of you Kit and praying
xo
I am so glad to hear from you Telstaar - I have been worried. Praying for you too. Take care and please email me sometime when you are feeling up to it.
I'm glad you're home... You've had a rough few weeks.
It sounds as if you're very aware of the need to take care of yourself, but the dangers of falling back into negative places. Do you think that awareness will help you stay away from that? I know that sometimes when I'm aware of the dangers, it helps me to actively stay away from going there; and sometimes it almost feels as if I end up thinking myself into that place.
Do what you can to soothe and rest (mind, spirit and body).
Sending positive thoughts your way,
CG
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