One of the girls in my bible study is pregnant and I am so happy for her. Tonight we were talking about her pregnancy, how she was going, morning sickness etc. Now I am as close to crying as I can get. I remember 2008 and being pregnant and the ultrasounds, hearing my 2 daughters heart beats. I remember how scared I was but how much I love I felt and how all I could see of them were two beautiful gifts from God out of something so horrible.
To me Life is something only God to make and they were God's gifts from a horrible night - thats how I felt. I held myself together so that I would be strong for them. I did everything all the books and research says - I ate the right foods, avoided the bad - I even gave up my cups of tea. I took the vitamns - I did all the right things. and then I miscarried.
I fell apart and tonight I just remember all of it. I was so ready to love them and be their mum. That hurt more than all the shit that has ever been forced on me. That I thought something so good was coming from that horrible night and then to have them taken away from me.
What did I do wrong that I am punished over and over. That men use and throw me away like some worthless object. That good things a put in front of me only to be taken away.
I know I sound selfish, and self-pitying and I hate that. But I already loved them so much. I was ready to do whatever I needed to so that they would have a good life filled with love. Even if I one day do have children - they will never replace those 2 girls I lost. They will be just as loved but I dont think I could ever forget that pregnancy, the sound of their heartbeats, the love I still have for them.
I feel bad that I still grieve for lives that were never born. I feel like I am being stupid but I cannot help how I feel. I want to be a mum - but I am scared that I will never carry a child to term.
These memories hurt so much just now. I thought I had put this behind me - not forgotten but moved past the hurt. I wish I could really cry. I wish I could let the pain out.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
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3 comments:
I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost twins (to miscarriage) nearly 29 years ago. At times that loss feels very fresh. You loved your little babies - even though they did not survive the pregnancy. It is a loss of hopes, dreams, and yes, life. You are in my prayers.
Sunshine
I am so sorry you had to go through this too. We had a stillborn daughter in 2007. There are no words to make the pain go away.
We just found your blog and are so very impressed with it! You have so much information here. We are new to blogging and are inspired by what you've done.
I'm very sad with you!
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