Rascal is at the Vet

When I woke up this morning Rascal was not himself - he was quiet and huddling in a corner. Then I found blood in his stool. I took him to the vet who thought it might be Rat poison but I dont keep it - but he has got out once or twice.

The vet just called me and said the blood tests came back and its not rat poison but he isnt sure what it is. He is treating rascal for a number of possibilities including worms. I dont know. I am worried about him. I know it wasnt convient how I got him but I do care for him. I hope he is ok.

Natalie is particularly upset. She was very attached to Rascal - all the alts are upset/worried to different levels but Natalie has been effected the most. I dont know if she will handle it if he doesnt make it.

For now we its just waiting to see if he survives the night.

miscarriage

One of the girls in my bible study is pregnant and I am so happy for her. Tonight we were talking about her pregnancy, how she was going, morning sickness etc. Now I am as close to crying as I can get. I remember 2008 and being pregnant and the ultrasounds, hearing my 2 daughters heart beats. I remember how scared I was but how much I love I felt and how all I could see of them were two beautiful gifts from God out of something so horrible.
To me Life is something only God to make and they were God's gifts from a horrible night - thats how I felt. I held myself together so that I would be strong for them. I did everything all the books and research says - I ate the right foods, avoided the bad - I even gave up my cups of tea. I took the vitamns - I did all the right things. and then I miscarried.
I fell apart and tonight I just remember all of it. I was so ready to love them and be their mum. That hurt more than all the shit that has ever been forced on me. That I thought something so good was coming from that horrible night and then to have them taken away from me.
What did I do wrong that I am punished over and over. That men use and throw me away like some worthless object. That good things a put in front of me only to be taken away.

I know I sound selfish, and self-pitying and I hate that. But I already loved them so much. I was ready to do whatever I needed to so that they would have a good life filled with love. Even if I one day do have children - they will never replace those 2 girls I lost. They will be just as loved but I dont think I could ever forget that pregnancy, the sound of their heartbeats, the love I still have for them.

I feel bad that I still grieve for lives that were never born. I feel like I am being stupid but I cannot help how I feel. I want to be a mum - but I am scared that I will never carry a child to term.

These memories hurt so much just now. I thought I had put this behind me - not forgotten but moved past the hurt. I wish I could really cry. I wish I could let the pain out.

Update From Jazzie

Its been a long time since Kylie has posted and she feels bad about it so I am going to write a quick post to let you know we are still here.

We have been diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrom (its been long enough that its no longer called Post Viral Fatigue Syndrom) We all find it really hard and it brings us down alot. Kylie has withdrawn from uni and taken next semester off. She feels like this is failing somehow and feels bad about it.

Kylie's mum is paying for a cleaner to come once a fornight and one of Kylie's friends keeps bring round food so we dont have to cook. Its nice that people care so much.

Kylie was struggling with God for a while and still is a bit. Im not a Christian so I dont really understand but it was hard for her to be at odds with her beliefs. She is finding alot of comfort though in a girls bible group and another girl comes over once a week to read the bible with Kylie.

Im not sure what else to put - thanks to all the people sending Kylie good wishes.

From jazzie