Today I found out that one of my close guy friends has been dating a girl for 4 months and he forgot to tell me. I told him I was happy for him and I want to be - I really do. But truthfully it made me sad, and jealous.
About 2 weeks ago I found out that my ex fiancee is dating. I dont know why it bother me so much, its been 2 years and I definitly dont want him back. But once again it made me sad and jealous.
I think my problem is that Im watching the people around me getting into relationships, even getting married. And I feel left behind in yet another aspect of life. And this one is really imporatnt to me because I want to be with someone. I want a partner somewhere to give love to as well as recieve it. Who I can trust to be there for me. I am quiet person who perfers quality to quantity when it comes to friends, and with DID in my life I am scared of going out in public in case they come out so I rarely meet people.
So where am I going to meet someone? Even if I do who is going want to take on all my alts? I think I am having trouble being happy for my friends because I am scared I am going to be alone. And I feel so SELFISH for that.
2 comments:
Hullo :) I am new to your blog!
I don't think its selfish that you're having trouble being happy... I wonder if its also helpful to consider that both sadness and grief and loss (at what you've lost and what is making difficult and what you currently don't have but would like) can actually coexist with happiness that you do feel for your friends. Those emotions don't actually have to be one or the other... so you CAN feel happy and sad at the same time.
Today, I heard about 5 of my friends that have bought or are buying houses and land and building and stuff... while I am wondering if I will be living in my car in 3 weeks time! And I just absolutely LONG for one place that is MINE and will STAY mine and is completely safe for me, that I can decorate and enjoy and not stress about being kicked out of! Yet I know that the likelihood of that EVER happening are zilch without major miracles from God.
So like you, it has been a struggle time and again with different aspects of my life as I genuinely am glad for what those around me have, but the sadness and grief is hard at what I have to fight for just to maintain my existence (things like relationships included).
On another note, I know its overwhelming to wonder if there could POSSIBLY be a person out there that can take on all of you...but hun, if its God's will, then yes, there IS that perfect match for you out there. I cannot say when or how or who, because I don't know! But God knows you, ALL of you, every part (literally) of you... and he knows THAT person. And the thing with the relationship will be that YOU will also be contributing to the life and support of your partner as well, not just them to you. YOU have value and worth in the relationship too :).
*hugs*
xox
Thanks Telstaar for your encouragement - and I do know you are right - God will provide. Just some days are harder than others. But its nice to hear it from someone else occasionally :)
I hope you enjoy our blog, its nice to know that there is someone out there reading it.
Please take good care of yourself and please feel free to ask any questions.
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