A day out

I am going out today. I am going to meet a friend and spend the day with them catching up - I haven't seen him in over a year. He lives over 4 hours away, which since I don't drive makes life a little hard. We are going to meet half way and spend the day quietly on a picnic rug at a park.

I know this outing is going to wear me out and exhausted me - I will probably spend the next couple of days in bed to recover. (I will try to post anyway - yay for laptops that allow us to access the net from bed!) I need to do this for me - I have been so lonely lately, and felt that I haven't even been living. This will at least be something in that I can feel I am living life even a little bit.

I am really excited to see Ian! He is such a great friend, it will be awesome to catch up - and even better to get a much needed hug. I can be at ease with Ian, he knows about the DID and has even spent time with some of my alts. It doesn't bother him and he always willing to take time out to talk to any of us.

Aaron is also been kind enough to offer to drive us which makes life easier - the idea of the bus & then train to get there was very daunting while I am so tired. It will be great to have those few hours each way in the car to catch up & just chat. 

I need to go, but I wanted to get this posted as I will be too tired to get it done when I get home. So I am going to leave you with a song I love.

My taste in music is very varied - and I feel music is a huge part of my healing journey. I listen and sing along to music to help express myself, to help me get into a different mind set. To ease my little ones when we are having a bad day. It is such an important part of who I am, and my everyday life which is why I wish to share it with you on occasions.

Today's song is  "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz

I love this song, just the feeling of it -its a good song to sum out how I feel about going out today (not the lyrics, just the feel of the song). I particularly love the lyrics:

Well open up your mind and see like me

Open up your plans and damn you're free

Look into your heart and you'll find love love love love

Listen to the music at the moment people dance and sing

We're just one big family

And it's our godforsaken right to be loved loved loved

Rascal is at the Vet

When I woke up this morning Rascal was not himself - he was quiet and huddling in a corner. Then I found blood in his stool. I took him to the vet who thought it might be Rat poison but I dont keep it - but he has got out once or twice.

The vet just called me and said the blood tests came back and its not rat poison but he isnt sure what it is. He is treating rascal for a number of possibilities including worms. I dont know. I am worried about him. I know it wasnt convient how I got him but I do care for him. I hope he is ok.

Natalie is particularly upset. She was very attached to Rascal - all the alts are upset/worried to different levels but Natalie has been effected the most. I dont know if she will handle it if he doesnt make it.

For now we its just waiting to see if he survives the night.

Update From Jazzie

Its been a long time since Kylie has posted and she feels bad about it so I am going to write a quick post to let you know we are still here.

We have been diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrom (its been long enough that its no longer called Post Viral Fatigue Syndrom) We all find it really hard and it brings us down alot. Kylie has withdrawn from uni and taken next semester off. She feels like this is failing somehow and feels bad about it.

Kylie's mum is paying for a cleaner to come once a fornight and one of Kylie's friends keeps bring round food so we dont have to cook. Its nice that people care so much.

Kylie was struggling with God for a while and still is a bit. Im not a Christian so I dont really understand but it was hard for her to be at odds with her beliefs. She is finding alot of comfort though in a girls bible group and another girl comes over once a week to read the bible with Kylie.

Im not sure what else to put - thanks to all the people sending Kylie good wishes.

From jazzie

Photos of Charlie & Rascal

Here are some more photos of Charlie and Rascal (the new kitten)

They seem to be coming fast friends:

And enjoy playing together:

it can be very crazy sometimes. I will try to get a video together.

After playing they tend to collapse together and sleep soundly:

Until the next play time!!

Will try to write a proper post soon.

Add a kitten to the mix

I lost most of yesterday and when I came out I found a kitten in my house! I dont have a cat (well I didnt) and finding a kitten and all the things one needs for a kitten (food, kitty litter, toys, scratching post etc.) was a huge shock.

I knew the littles wanted a cat but I had said no! They spent around AU$200 on the kitten and stuff for the kitten. I am not sure what to do. At this rate I think I will keep it but I am worried that the littles will think that it means doing stuff like this is ok and its not.

I am going to write down a list of rules that everyone has to agree to. Something we can refer back to - at the moment we have rules but we just remember them - I am hoping having them written down and having all the littles agree to it will help stop something like this happening again. Kinda like a contract.

Here is a photo of the kitten with Charlie, my Cavalier King Charlies Spaniel cross. They seem to get along well and like playing.

Now to think of a name for the little boy. At the moment we are thinking Rascal - what does everyone think? have any ideas for a good name?
Here are some other contenders in no particular order

• Hobbes
• Tiger
• Rebel
• Griffin
• Orion

Really not doing good

I am feeling so crappy today. I have a cold on top of everything else.

I am struggling to accept that I am going to need help if I dont get better soon. I am too tired to cook so I am eating frozen dinners which is expensive and not the healthiest way to eat. I am struggling to keep on top of washing - both clothes and dishes. General chores around the house just isnt happening. Charlie, my beautiful dog, is filthy and scratching but there is no way I can lift him into the bath and wash him myself. He hasnt had a proper walk in ages - I feel really bad.

Sarah C came over for bible reading which was the highlight of my day - she is really good to talk to and we have great talks about the bible and living in this world as a Christian. I told her about what I was struggling with and that I might need help and I was struggling that. I also told her that I didnt know where to go for that help. She has offered to look into what is available around here as far as help.

Mum & I are also talking about her paying for a house cleaner once a fortnight till I am better.

I feel bad that I need help. I am supposed to be a young healthy person. And being on a disbility pension already for the DID I should have all these things under control. I mean I only study one subject a semester - a normal load is 4 subjects. And now I cant even do a little of one subject. I struggle to wash my hair. Its so frustrating.
I just want to cry just now. And I cant and because of that I just want to cut because thats the only thing that has helped me in the past. I know I shouldnt start again and I am really trying to fight it but I feel so bad - I cant even play wow for distraction.

Sick, sick, sick

So sick of being sick! Went and saw Dr Parkin yesterday - Jazz reckons he is up himself and snootie - though he was very througher about testing for everything and making sure we ruled out stuff. This meant more blood tests. 7 tubes to be exact which freaked out Shadow. Natalie and Katy werent happy either.

They are testing for Auto-immune diseases, diseases that attack the mucsles and checking my liver. I have to wait till Friday week (14th May) for the results and I dont want to wait that long. The entire thing is getting me stressed out. What is wrong with me?! I am trying not to let on to my younger alts that I am scared cause that would terrify them.

The Luvox is still making my tummy sick and generally that makes me feel more tired and it interrupts my sleep which doesnt help.

I have an extension for my assessment which is good I guess but at the moment if I cant do any of it so I hope I start feeling a little better soon or their wont be any point to the extension.

Sorry this blog has just been me whinging about being sick lately but this is really affecting everything - I dont even have the energy to play WoW which is insane. I wish I has someone near by who would wrap me up in their arms and tell me it will be ok. I could really use a hug

Differences

I am feeling much better, not the energy levels but I am no longer seriously sick from the meds. Still a bit queasy but I can handle that. The past 4 nights I have only been taking half a tablet (as instructed by my doctor) tonight we go up to a full tablet. I'm seriously hoping that this wont make the nausea come back.

Dr Parkin - the physican I have been refered to - receptionist called today and asked if I wanted to move my appointment forward a day (so I would see him tomorrow instead of Wednesday) I decided not to since I have an appointment with Margaret on tommorrow evening to figure out ways to deal with the anxiety of a new male doctor.

The littles have been really getting into Sims 2 (and most of the expansions) over the last few days. I have never really got the game myself - I find it a bit boring however they seem to love it. I find it interesting that parts of me have completely different tastes to me.

They even have different beliefs which I struggle with. I am a Christian but most of my parts arent. Jessica actually is against Christianity - but then her lifestyle choice would be to sleep with whoever (boys and girls) and never settle down which isnt really what the bible teaches.

I think of my alts each as individuals most of the time and I struggle when talking to my psychologist about them being parts of me. I realise intellectually they are but they feel so seperate and they think so differently that its hard to consider them anything but seperate.

Despite all the difference I have come to love each of them though it has taken me awhile - particularly with the more difficult parts like the older 8yo. Its rather ironic but I have come to accept that while DID makes me appear to society as crazy it is infact DID that kept me from losing it when all the crap happened. This was the way my young mind coped.

Still sick

Was still really sick last night after taking the tablet. However by 11am this morning I was able to at least keep food down though I am still queasy. I am going to have to take another one tonight and the littles are fighting me about it taking it. They dont like being sick and dont understand why we keep taking a tablet that makes us sick.

Being sick from the Luvox really makes it hard to get anything done so I am having a quiet weekend and resting hoping that by Monday I will be feeling better. I want to organise a meeting with my lecturer to see about getting a grade pending. I am not yet ready to give up on this subject when I have put so much in to it but my assessment is due in 10 days and I havent done nearly enough.

I am sort of writing this over a couple of hours I find it hard to sit here and concentrate. Because this I took the Luvox tablet an hour ago and already I can feel the queazyness getting worse.

I think I should finish up now.