Wednesday, November 10, 2010

further update

There is not alot I can say about living with DID lately, being so tired I dont have any energy to fight it and to be honest I no longer want to. I still find it scary and I am still worried if people will be able to except all of us, but I know already that there are people who do except us and still love me.

True, I have lost a few friends over it, but to be honest it is their loss - not mine. What kind of friendship did we have anyway, if they could not except all of me? There are other friends who dont know how to handle it and they just pretend it doesnt exist. And I am ok with that, I worry what will happen if I switch in front of them but I am less worried about that then I was when they knew nothing.

So what am I still frightened of? Never finding love. Not finding a person who would willingly take me and all the baggage. I am lonely, and even more than ever, I want someone who can wrap their arms around me and tell me that it will be ok - that they are there for me. I want someone to share the load with.

Back on topic...
Being able to retreat these days and let Stacy handle things is such a blessing - maybe not the healthiest way to deal with things. But when I have no idea how I am going to organise clean clothes because I dont have the energy to do the laundry - its nice to just let another part deal with it. We are all tired and none of us have the energy but sometimes different parts are better at finding enough energy to get the little things done.

I think Chronic Fatigue is hardest on the little ones. The 4yo wants to know why we cant go to the park anymore and play on the swings. Or visit a pet shop on a bad day just to see the baby animals. She doesnt understand why we dont have the energy to play.

A few of my alts find it frightening because they feel vunerable. If anything was to happen I wouldnt be able to fight anyone off. I dont believe anything will happen & its not like I ever go out, but once bitten, twice shy. Though I dont know that is the right saying for this instance - its close. I guess what I am trying to get at is that after everything that has happened its hard not to consider the worst happening again.

Now Natalie is all upset at this train of thought. **sigh**

I am tired, I think I will go back to sleep now.


Candycan said...

I have a part like Stacy too. It's one part I am learning to rely on more and more. Did you pick names for your parts or did they tell you what they are called? Only some of my parts have names because they all want to referred to by my main name. So now we are starting to agree nicknames, this is mainly for the benefit of my psychologist who is trying to figure out who's who.
I hope one day you will find someone who loves all of you as you are. I wonder how my husband puts up with us all and hasn't run a mile but he is so great and this is proof there are worthwhile people in the world who are good and won't try to hurt us.

The Weird Ones said...

Sorry things are so hard for you all right now. We don't see you around so much anymore but we just guess it's the CF.
Kaci misses Katy so much! I've tried to explain that you live on the other side of the world and you having DID + CF whereas we just have DID means it's hard on you to talk to us, let alone let the littles play!

Hope you feel better soon xx
Kyle/Kaci/Laura (wrote this)

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