Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Getting Over it

I have been posting much lately - I went to Sydney over the weekend and while it was a wonderful trip it wore me out - particularly since I was on "high alert" for much of it. Since then I have just been too tired to post. Today I started catching up on blog posts and considering what I wanted to write about. I came across Paul's post - "The Path of Elizabeth Smart and Me". I can truly relate to where Paul is coming from, the struggling not to compare my journey with that of other survivors - or just my life with my age peers. I can also relate to the "leaving the past in the past" idea.

One of the things that this really reminded me of was something my aunt had said when she found out I was struggling with what had happened (this is before I even learnt of DID). I have a very vivid memory of my aunt pulling me aside and in an anger whisper saying "Stop playing the victim and get over it".

Ever since this has been something that I have struggled with - is she right, even if she could have word it better. Am I some how "playing the victim" trying to get something out of it? I don't think so, though when I have had to withdraw from uni or get an extension for an assessment due to not being able to study (because of losing time or unable to focus because of flashbacks etc) I do question if I am using my past or is it an honest reason? It is hard to doubt myself in this way.

Sometimes I think it be easier to push it all into the background and pretend it doesn't exist, that everything is okay. I could be "normal" and maybe actually get a degree rather than have 4 completed subjects to show for 2 years of actual work. (4 subjects is consider a full time load for 1 semester) - at this rate it will take me at least 8 years to get my degree and I don't want that. I also want to have a relationship where I am not constantly aware of all the "baggage" I bring. I want to have fun like my mother constantly tells me I should be having at my age (24).

 But I have done the whole "putting it behind you" in the past but it was a very downward slope that lead to depression and self harm.  I don't want to go back to that dark place. But when I look at my healing journey even though I know I have come so far, I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel and that scares me because I want to move past this point to where I can function more like a "normal" person (whatever that is).

Paul's description of healing is beautiful and I agree with everything he described it as. But it also made me realise that until recently I believed healing was learning to move on and that isn't what healing is - at least I don't believe so any more. Now I am questioning what is healing and what exactly am I working towards?


Paul said...

Kylie. This is a really honest take on how you look at things. I applaud you for doing it. This is a step in healing in itself, because you are aware of what the parameters are now. And you are asking the right questions. You know that "putting it behind you" leads down a dangerous path for you. Many people take their whole lives trying to learn that. The light will be there. I know you say you don't see it now. But you do have a sense of progress, and that is something to build on.

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