Friday, March 9, 2012

Running away from a Good Thing

The most exciting news I have since my huge break is that at the beginning of the year Elmo proposed! We are planning a small garden wedding for March 2013. I feel very lucky to have found someone who is so loving and supportive and who respects my needs even when they can be a little difficult. He also amazingly great with my littles but I plan to post about that in a later post.

A drawing I made representing how safe I feel with Elmo

The hard thing for me at the moment is that despite all this, I am having to fight a part of me that is telling me to break it off and run away. I understand that this just my subconscious just trying to protect me from being hurt and have been talking to Margaret about it too. According to her, everyone has pre-wedding jitters and when you couple that with my abusive childhood, a father who left me and hasn't contacted me since age 6 and the lack of good examples when it comes to marriage; its no wonder I am fearful of commitment.

The thing is, knowing all this doesn't make the feeling go away - I still want to run away. I'm really worried that I'm going to screw up and ruin this great thing. Its frustrating because I want this to be a fun exciting time and I cant seem to escape my past. I'm angry that long after his death my grandfather is still screwing up my life.

I have talked this all through with Elmo and as usual, he is completely understanding and loving, though I know it hurts him that part of me wants to run away. One of the things I have been doing is writing a list of all the things I love about Elmo and reading through it when I get scared or want to run away.


Evan said...

My thought is to find a way to run away safely - in a way that doesn't hurt you, elmo or the relationship.

Can you take some time hiding under cushions or something?

Some way that lets the scared child know you will look after her but that lets you stay around with elmo and go through with the wedding.

Sunshine and Shadows said...

I love your artwork. Congratulations on the upcoming wedding!

Telstaar said...

Oh I'm so so excited for you! I was thinking and praying for you the other day but I've only just checked blogs. Oooh this is great and your picture is amazing.

It's okay to be scared, but people with DID get married and have successful marriages, so you can do. Also ALL marriages can be difficult and when that comes hold on to the vows and get any help you need to keep going but you'll be okay.

So happy for you :)

Thinking of you xo

MultipleMe said...

Thanky ou all for your encouragement, and despite my fear I am very happy.

Evan - that is something I already do - sometimes we hide in bed or in an OMMRPG such as World of Warcraft. Thank you for the suggestion though - its appreciated.

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